Saturday, May 8, 2010

I fear Doctors.....

I am a woman who has never really liked doctors. Until I started having children I never saw one regularly. I think this stems from my childhood, I distinctly remember getting some kind of a shot when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. It must have been some kind of antibiotic, I was really sick and that feeling of leaving the doctors office feverish, dizzy and recently having some kind of injection in my butt. This memory or some dramatized version is one I have taken with me to every doctor visit since then. Mind you during the child bearing years I had to suck it up. Pregnancy requires a fair amount of medical tests with a bit of a hospital stay too. Then of course the boys have been to the doctor and needed immunizations and what not (yes that is equally as hard for me). I really felt like over the years my skin had thickened up quite a bit, I use to faint when I got my finger pricked (early 20's). I was able to stay conscious during blood draws and shots for the kids (early 30's). I was pretty much only effected in my head I could function with mild discomfort from sights and smells in any medical office. There were a few dizzy spells, but I could usually sit down and breathe through them. I did almost faint at my mammogram in May of last year. I needed some cold water and oxygen before they could go to the left breast. I attribute this response to it the being the 1st time having a test like this and it was done at the hospital. I don't think I would have had the same reaction at Prescott Medical Imaging nor have I had this response to mammograms since. For anyone that has not had a mammogram be clear, the test is NOT painful, this is just a psychological phenomena that I have created for myself since childhood.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer. All things medical have been catapulted into a nightmare realm that I could not have even fathomed. I have had more tests, injections, blood draws, IV's, SURGERIES, and pills. It has been less then 2 months and I have had to suck up general anesthesia twice and I am going to be put under again on May 12th. For an MRI, they put you in a tube with loud sounds bouncing off your body. Then half way through your 20 minute test, the technichian stops and injects gallenium into the butterfly she put on your hand when she first put you in the tube. Remember don't move, cough, lay very still and whatever you do don't freak out about lying in this noisy tube on your stomach with some crazy chemical being sent into your veins, could quite possibly be the longest 20 minutes of my life....I did however live through it.

The good news is I have grown as a person. With my various companions at my side I have endured the hospitalization and out-patient procedure in stride. I only whimpered like a child for injections into my flesh, the needles were oh-so tiny but that feeling of medicine seeping into the tissue was too much. I of course grimaced at every IV flush, the saline made my mouth taste like spray paint the instant each flush began. That is why I needed help with my drains at first (THANK YOU PAT I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU). Then of course my visit to Dr. Berardi for the JP tube removal was a source of discomfort, suture removal apparently not one of my strong suits either. We haven't even begun the injections into my inflatable implants I am certain that will be loads of fun. The good news is with the reconstruction process of my breasts the majority of the nerves have been damaged, that means I don't REALLY feel the needles. I do however feel pressure on the implants and that is enough for my brain to work itself up into a frenzy, and oh yeah Dr. Berardi is one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen, that makes me a little nervous and anxious too.

With my history of medical anxiety in mind and all that I have dealt with the last couple months I am actually quite pleased with the calm I have maintained so far through out this journey. Every step of the way I am reminded life is full of building blocks or experiences that prepare us for the next.

Apparently this is all in preparation for my chemotherapy, which is the next phase of this journey.

Drink water and breathe...........


  1. Dear Sarah,
    I just discovered your blog this week. What a remarkably strong and communicative person you are. Thank you ever so much for sharing your journey with us. It's therapeutic for you and us.
    It has been incredibly quiet at the Express. Your absence is sorely noted.
    Now I understand your interest in Reiki. Know that you are receiving it now. If I can be of any service please call. 636-8659 It would be an honor to be of assistance.

  2. Sis, I joined the medical field because I didn't understand it, there really wasn't a fear factor but I did have a distrust of doctors. Much of that goes all the way back to Jimmy and to this day, still affects me in some ways. Medical is a spooky field, there's a reason why they call it practicing because sometimes, we really don't know what's going on and we just hope what we do fixes the problem. I'm glad that you're getting over your fear of medical folk and at the same time understand the fears. Love you.

  3. P.S. Happy Mother's Day sis in some strange chance that I don't talk to you tomorrow.