The long and short of it.....

The crying spells have become intermittent. A few nights here, a car ride there, all day yesterday......with a few pauses for basketball and a bike ride with the boys, oh that would be a lie I even cried at basketball.....If there was a camera on me while doing laundry someone would assume that I was a depressed housewife sobbing over the endless pile. If I saw me I would call someone for help, I don't know who to call and I need to work through this and get my head on the other side. I need to let go of things that are serving me no purpose and well these tears have almost ran their course. The pity party can only be useful for so long.

I met with Dr. Zieve from the Pine Tree Clinic he specializes in comprehensive cancer care. He is an MD that practices natural medicine. Based on my reports and my financial limitations, traditional chemotherapy is the best choice with a comprehensive herbal support package to support my body while going through this process. I really like him and he seemed to understand my condition and recognized the failures of western medicine. He also recognizes the seriousness of my condition and the need to treat me. I have to find an oncologist that recognizes the need for me to have both camps represented in my next round of care.

My neck is still stiff and I am still searching for the right doctor. Dr. Vu my old oncologist was without answers and a plan. He also REFUSED to work with Dr. Zieve in anyway, "it is not proven", kind of failed logic when the "proven" plan has me walking the cancer road again. Thank you Kate for going with me I could do a whole post on this crazy visit.

I met with a Dr. Boresh in Scottsdale, a little more bedside then Dr. V but I am still not sure same drugs, same side effects, not a lot of hope. He did have the ability to communicate to me that care changes from adjuvant (original disease) to chronic care(metastatic disease). He kept talking about how long people are able to tolerate this chemo or that chemo. He mentioned Zolota as the best transition chemo (this totally sounds like the gateway drug to me). It is oral chemotherapy and the side effects are mild...mouth sores, and painful inflammation of your hands and feet. Sounds like a nice transition to me, no needles and IV's those come later, once your "in the program". Patients can tolerate this chemo for a year or more???? This is the part that confuses me, what no end date? Apparently I am naive in the cancer world, metastatic disease means = chronic disease and the care well it is chemo for life!!!!!!!!!! with a few breaks for holidays and vacations. How gracious of this disease to give me time off..........no wonder I can't stop crying this just sucks! So I sit in this plush rocker and I rock back and forth in this super nice Scottsdale office and I listen and I rock. There is no physical exam apparently my condition has become an oral history....just a story backed up by exams and reports......surreal does not do this justice. Thanks heavens for my friend Lara sitting with me asking questions as I rocked and processed. Dr. B says I need a bone scan and a brain MRI apparently a pet scan does not show brain tumors (fabulous) or bone mets (super). These additional test will give him the "COMPLETE" picture. We always like to know what we are dealing with. So don't get me wrong Dr. B is nice, seems to be good at what he does, has a nice office he offers the same menu choices as Dr. V, only his office is a couple of hours drive away. I want more in a Dr. maybe that is not realistic, but I want to "feel" like someone "believes" in fighting this disease with me.

There is so much more.....but mom duty calls.

Tomorrow I head to the U of A to meet with Dr. Livingston (not to be confused with the seagull variety:), he comes highly recommended with all the papers. Tuesday I head to Scottsdale to meet with Dr. B and Dr. Kato (perhaps he is the side kick to a superhero I could sure use one of those). I am confidant I will find the right Dr.

The timeline is roughly 4 weeks from surgery, with sooner being better then later... I better get moving.

Drink water and breathe.....oh yeah and my herbal smoothie too...