Vulnerability...........

What exactly does that mean and when do you arrive?
For some it the act of riding, not driving, that makes one vulnerable......
A needle into my brand new powerport makes me vulnerable........
Starting chemo for the second time makes me vulnerable......
Asking someone to hold my hand makes me vulnerable..........
Someone showing up to hold my hand makes me vulnerable.........
Receiving love and the gifts the universe showers down on me makes me vulnerable.......
Crying with my children makes me vulnerable........
Vomiting makes me vulnerable..........and doing it for hours on a car ride home well there are know words or tears available to quite explain that journey.
Needing someone to help with the boys makes me vulnerable.....
Coming home to dinner and filled prescriptions makes me vulnerable...
People showing up to be HERE for my family makes me vulnerable........
Being given the most amazing piece of furniture for my healing altar makes me vulnerable........

I could go on forever.......



Then there is this magic pill that I believe is called Zofran which eased the side effects of my chemo at about 6:45 approximately 2-5 minutes before the boys came home. The universe must know that I must be a little less vulnerable and raw with the boy........I am sure they can take it........but I am a mom. So I sit down and have some soup and try to piece together there super fun exhausting day with friends. Vulnerability has left me with this soft place in my heart that sees every moment as so precious. I am sad to see them go to their dad's, I am blessed that they can. All I want to do is hold them and explain that the future holds unlimited possibilities for each and every one of us. Somewhere in all this vulnerability resides peace and love.



Needless to say chemo started off smooth. I spontaneously cried as they accessed my port, not from the pain, but it is kind of like a port of entry. Not like losing your virginity, but a crossroad of probably more magnitude in so many ways. This is a beginning of a new phase of healing in my life. Cancer treatment is a small part, I am creating through my vast network of love and support........a mind, body, nutrition program to make possible my complete healing. Thankfully this is a long project and I look forward to each day being better then the last. That means that blogging may go on forever.



So back to the facts. I get super hydrated first. Giant bag of saline with a diuretic in it. The goal is hydrate and pee. Dani steps out and brings back a yummy lunch from the New Frontiers Deli. We eat and play cribbage to pass the time (score me 3; dani 1) Cisplatin my first chemo of 2012 likes to camp in the bladder and do more destruction then good to to ward off this side effect they encourage me to "drink tons and pee" (the first title of my blog:). I get a little "creeped" out by the chemo but roll with it pretty well. The second treatment is etoposide and it is drained and gone before I know it. Near the end I just start to get anxious and my sense of smell kicks into hyper drive. The thought of the heprin and saline flush makes me want to vomit.


The nurse kindly draws saline out of a big bag, this removes the preservatives that I can taste when they flush my port. The saline prevented me from having "another" incident at the oncologists office. My near fainting spell the week before along with my chatty nature is already putting me on the radar with my new office. Brenda the plebotomist who drew my blood last week was all to ready to pass me on to the nurse for my new labs once she heard I had a port. Puking in the office, well that is just a little to intimate for a first chemo date. So once I am unplugged we beat feet out of there. Now mind you it is 4:00 PM and we had been there since 8:45..........it was more then time to go. We grab a puke bag for the road, it is kind of like self-fulfilling prophecy at this point, some would call it foreshadowing, I took it as a bad omen. I had no idea what Dani and I were about to endure.



I am sure the fresh air will make me better. I sit on a bench while Dani pulls the car around. I breathe, slowly, deliberately and with purpose. We drive 2 miles down the road and I say "DANI YOU HAVE TO PULL OVER" and I precede to puke on HWY 189(could be wrong) between Sedona and Cottonwood, anyone who know Northern AZ realizes this is a busy road, it is not the autoban but it could be it's redneck cousin. So to the din of non-stop traffic I puke, Dani rolls the car forward in 10 foot intervals so I could have clean spots to puke. Somehow the medicine made my nose into a superhuman sniffer......I could smell the exhaust fumes, the bile in my stomach, the chemo on my tongue (totally crazy), the odor of the salads we had for lunch. Vomiting would be number 2 on my list of medical shit I just can't stand. Then I get flashy I am burning up then I have the chills. I get in the car we drive a few more miles and do it all over again. This side effect sprang out of nowhere and lasted until HWY 169 (Cherry Rd.) It was approximately 2 steady hours of this nausea and chills. I took a pill before I left the office, sadly I left it at the 1st puke station. Had I know then how much I needed it I might have gone through my own vomit to find it. So I go from exhausted with my eyes closed just focusing on my breathing, hot and cold intermittently to puking on the side of the road. The fucked up part about this whole situation is that I AM UNABLE TO DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT. I have to ride it out and see what is on the other side. Do you know what encourages you to vomit more? The thought of doing it all over again the next day. Well guess what that is where vulnerability came into play. I cried and puked on the side of some highway today, I was in no state to provide myself with what I needed. I did not have to, my body was doing exactly what it needed to be doing, my friend Dani Baker was doing what she needed to be doing to support my body and me well I was just along for the ride. Dr. Lindquist ordered me suppositories to help with nausea. After a ride like that I would stick many things up my ass if it meant I would stop puking!



I was thankful for the reprieve given to my body from the Zofron. I look forward to my next treatment tomorrow as it is another day closer to healing. I sort of feel back to normal with fatigue and a slight buzzing under the surface. The buzzing could be from the chemo or the royal jelly I am taking........ I may never know but it is always nice to have a mystery.

If you wonder why I am blogging late after a day like today, well I am sure it has to do with the steroid high that I am on.

Embrace your vulnerability......

Drink water and breathe