Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Giant Tears

I now have insomnia. My neck is stiff or I have a stiff neck. It feels sort of hot and angry kind of like me at this moment. This present attitude reflects my complete and total lack of presence but only for a short piece of time maybe longer if need be. I spoke with my surgeon and the biopsy results conclude that I have METASTATIC BREAST CANCER..... there are no words to describe the tears that are streaming down my face at this precise moment. They flow full of hot uncertainty, and they just flow. These are not little tears they feel like giant tears full of pain, hurt, sadness. They are also filled with so much love for my ordinary simple life. A life once again threatened by this awful disease. A long time ago someone told me that tears wash your soul. I always thought this meant pain and old hurts. I am 37 years old and I have cried my fair share of tears. Tonight they just feel different. The tears just well up in my eyes and then they roll hot and slow down the front of my face and the tears feel so big and so large it is as if a single tear reaches all the way from my eye to where it splashes on my chest. Then it seems like I could not possibly have enough liquid left in my ducts and in that exact second another burning hot tear rolls out ever so gently down my entire face to my chest. It is going to take quite a bit of these tears to wash away the sadness of my heavy heart. So here is hoping these tears stop, if only to allow me to get some more sleep tonight. I am pretty sure tears are not a treatment option if they were I would have this wrapped up in spades.

Tomorrow I put on my game face and meet with a couple of doc's and the cancer journey begins anew. I can't imagine it will be the same as the last time, things never stay the same. I am sure however they have not re-invented the needle since my last stint which means that it is still going to suck.

after a cry like today I need the hydration

drink water and breathe


  1. the multiverse sent me to be your neighbor for a reason! use me! use my Ema! We will all be there for each other. i miss taxiing boys to sports, it will be a pleasure:)

  2. I don't think there is anything one can say that will make it or you feel better. Me and my family are here for you, you are truly one of the kindest and loving person we know! We are praying for you everyday. Hang in there babe, you are strong individual, you can do this once again!! Love you.

  3. Sarah, I am so sad to read your news. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with You and your family!! You are beautiful inside and out and we love you!!

  4. Sarah, you don't know who I am, but I have been following your posts for the last 2 years since my own breast cancer diagnosis. I am saddened by your recent posts. I wanted to let you know about an organization called Immerman's Angels. They try and match you up as close as possible with an Angel Mentor. Someone your age, same family status and who beat the type cancer that you may be dealing with. There are no words to describe the support I received from my Angel Mentor. You can Google them to see what they are all about. I hope it may bring you some comfort. Keep strong...

  5. Sarah -

    You don't know me but I found your site through Michelle on the 3 Day website. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you positive energy from Phoenix :) Stay strong!

    Much love - Shelby

  6. Thank you everyone for the kind words and support.