Live from Arizona Oncology, this place is heavy. So am I for that matter, all the steroids seem to be working. I am packing on lots of lean hard fat. The staff here is very nice, and seems quite knowledgeable. The other patients are friendly and I chat to pass some time. Small talk seems strange when everyone you are talking to is so very deep in the trenches of fighting this horrible disease. So I am feeling a little strange. The chemo makes me a little light headed, I don’t have the concentration. I am here talking to patients that are on a similar path to me, yet I am missing something.
So what is it that seems to be weighing me down? Hard to decide exactly which point is getting under my skin. Kate delivered lunch to me today. Yummy sandwich from Pangaea, followed by even better carrot cake muffinsJ I am tired but I cannot sleep. I doze a bit and then am wide awake. Time is on my mind, time to accomplish things, time to rest, time to have fun, time, time, time. I spend a lot of time in one place during treatment. I don’t have the concentration to read too much, I dose off. I whip out the net-book and my patience is at an all time low for technology. A net book is a perfect metaphor for my foggy brain. It operates sloooowly from lack of use. I think about my schedule often. Where the boys are supposed to be, where am I supposed to be?
Always the “why” follows me, I am not sure why I can’t get a handle on juggling life and cancer. I always try to return to the present moment, this is the only place I have in common with everyone else. While I am here I “drink water and breathe”, I am not here often enough. Chemo has taken me out of my body and put me somewhere in the periphery of my own existence. Reading that sentence sounds incredibly strange but I think that sums it up.
This post is almost “live from chemo”, they don’t have wireless there so I am home finishing it up. So far I feel a bit flashy, but the fog in my head seems to be clearing.
The greatest news of all is that I have completed 7 treatments I have only 3 more to go!!!!! I am thinking of raffling off my last 3 spots so if any one is interested, and wants to get in on the action just let me know.
Goodnight to all….. drink water and breathe