Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Chemo log 16 - eve of my last treatment

I knew this day would come. I did not realize it would happen so fast. Tomorrow is my last carboplatin/taxol treatment. In 24 hours my chemo journey will come to an end.

For all that have been keeping up chronologically, the boys and I have recovered from our colds and such that began to plague our household around my last treatment. We all have a little lingering cough but that is nothing compared to how sick we all were. At any rate we are all pretty healthy and tomorrow I go for my final chemo treatment.

Many thanks to all of my supporters, the last month or so has been pretty tough. I appreciate all the cards, meals, movies, house cleaning and everything else. Without the help of so many these last few months would have been unbearable.

Part of me feels like in addition to helping with preparations for our family Thanksgiving (my mom is doing most of it) I should also be preparing for my last treatment. I am not sure how exactly, I am kind of in a state of disbelief. I am overjoyed that my body was able to handle the chemo as well as it has. But I am exhausted, chemo has been a long hard road, physically, emotionally even spiritually. The medicine is designed to kill all fast growing cells. I believe it kills them and so many more. Chemo strips you down, one hair at a time. Sometimes I feel that all that is left are my eyes and they are a portal into my soul. It too has been along on this trek and it to has been changed. It is hard to explain what it is like, loss does not quite encapsulate what I have been through. Chemo is a gift that gives by breaking down my body. It is kind of a paradox, this loss I am experiencing is truly a gain for the rest of my life. I guess that knowledge doesn't make the journey any more fun. Thankfully I am able to remind myself along the way that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I guess this leaves my preparations for my last chemotherapy much like all the others. I pack up my chemo bag, books, knitting, cribbage board, netbook, and blanket. I head there wrapped up in all the love and support that I have had along the way. I realize how lucky I am to be alive, to be receiving treatment, grateful that my body is tolerating them so well.

Oh yeah and I am completely fricking thrilled that this is my last one.

Drink water and breathe.....

1 comment:

  1. Your writing my dear has great power in it. This experience had many dimensions for you as a physical and spiritual person. I hope you keep writing as your expression has the ability to reach out and touch others - as I have been touched by your sharing. I have been so encouraged by how your friends and relatives have pitched in and helped - I see so many for whom this is not available - for whatever reasons. I sit here in California - grateful that God has blessed you with so much support. It restores my faith in people. I am a nurse as you may know and fight daily with the other reality - people who need help and can't get it. It is such a burden to bear. Keep well and never forget the low spots as they will give you strength in the future. Congratulations on hanging in there and enjoy your future. Please keep sharing it with us. Much love.