It has taken me far to long to share this news with my blog universe. My PET scan was all clear, my blood markers are within normal range. My understanding is that I am cancer free. What a gift. I have been busy celebrating LIFE. I have known since December 16th, it is quite possibly the best Christmas present I have ever received.
Now I am transitioning into a new phase of being a cancer survivor. My medical team now monitors me. This area is vague and grey, kind of that in between. Pema Chodron a Buddhist nun and author claims this is the space in which inner peace is found. Lucky me cancer delivered me hear on a short nine month journey, I don't feel all that peaceful. Exhausted and elated maybe but not necessarily enlightened. In all seriousness this place I am in is a little unsettling. I have a blood test once a month to monitor my ovarian cancer. I will have a blood test quarterly to monitor my breast cancer. I will see my oncologist every 3 months providing all blood tests are normal. In 6 months I will have another PET scan to make sure all is still well. My oncologist said to watch my skin for any type of red fungus looking type outbreaks. Due to the type of cancer I have I will not have to take any oral medications to prevent a recurrence. I take this little tidbit as a blessing. The less pharmaceuticals that are pumped into my body the better. It is still kind of weird, my friends and I have spent so much time in the chemo recliners. Then it is over just like that, it is like the end of a relationship, no break up sex to commemorate the event, it is just finished.
I still have reconstruction procedures over the next few months. Next Friday I will have my implant exchange. That is right the silver lining is about to arrive. I will have new perky breast mounds put in on January 7th. I have adjusted to the expanders but am looking forward to my new soft breasts. Of course I will be nipple free, for a few more months. That procedure will be scheduled in a couple of months. Then of course I will have areola tattooed on some time after that. The journey continues......
Sometime during the last 8 months I read that chemotherapy adds 10 years to your age. The toll it takes on your body is pretty severe. My hair is returning I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my head. Hair on the rest of my body seems to be returning sporadically. I have quite a few pounds to shed as a result of all my steroid filled treatment. This journey is probably going to be longer then my cancer quest as the quest for good health is never ending.
A few weeks ago my friend Matt and I went on a little mountain bike ride. For all you locals it was only the Peavine trail. For my readers who don't know the area "a very mellow ride along an old rail road track with minimal change in grade". The ride was only 8 miles on a beautiful sunny day. The 4 miles to Prescott Valley went pretty smooth. Upon arriving at the Iron King trail head in Prescott Valley I turned around to see the slight grade we had just come down to realize I was completely out of my league. I was at the half way point, my saddle was already sore I was not quite sure how I was going to make it back. I have plenty of will just no muscle to speak of. My friend Matt was so patient as I huffed and puffed my way up this long slow grade. For those of you who think I am being mellow dramatic, I was pedaling so slow a jogger almost caught up to me. Rather then allow such an embarrassment I quickly sprinted to the next bend where I could rest without being lapped by the jogger. Recovering my health is going to be my real journey, tearing something down is so easy building something is so much harder.
Through out this all it still makes sense to drink water and breathe.......
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
PET scan anyone????
Since my last treatment (November 24th) I have felt stronger with each passing day. The last few weeks have been crazy busy.
I had a PET scan on December 10th. This was not one of my finer medical moments. I had a lot of anxiety surrounding this test. All the treatment and surgery comes down to these results. My human brain can't help but wonder, is the cancer gone? did the chemo work? am I really finished? In preparation for the test I eat no carbs the day prior. I swear this gives me some kind of sugar withdrawal headache the night before the test. I of course don't take any medicine for the headache, even though they say it is okay. I personally feel like the less variables in my system the better. There is of course no medical reason for me to come to this conclusion, I try to just hydrate the headache away.
The next day I am allowed only water prior to the test. So I go strolling in the office determined to be my optimistic self. I have the scan done at the new SimonMed facility in Prescott Valley. My appointment was scheduled at 9:00 I arrived right on time. Then preceded to wait for one hour in the lobby. This flagrant abuse of patient time is something I find very frustrating. I attempt to keep my irritation at bay but it is kind of hard.
Finally around 10:00 I get called back. I am feeling rather confident in my ability to handle these medical tests like a grown up. Dan the technician is quite nice he takes me back to a holding area. First he tests my blood sugar to make sure it is within range. I take the finger prick like a champ. Next Dan locates a nice plump vein in my left arm and inserts a small butterfly. He flushes the line with a little saline, I get that nasty taste in my mouth which I get every time I have a saline flush. This is all pretty routine up to this point. I notice Dan has a little thing on his finger and I make some comment like "are zip-tie rings the latest accessory in the medical field?" He proceeds to tell me it is a radiation badge, designed to make sure that he is not exposed to to much of it, since it is harmful and all. Dan then leaves the room only to return with a giant metal syringe full of radioactive glucose that he will be injecting directly in to my veins. Somehow this situation is not comforting to me. My body decides to react with a loud ringing in my ears, I then start sweating profusely, then my vision starts to go in and out. I let nice Dan know that he needs to recline the chair and I am about to faint. I think this little episode lasts about a minute. I manage to not pass out completely. This return to my old reaction to medical treatment has me wondering if my Dr. phobia has improved at all? I start to calm down and Dan removes the butterfly and wraps my arm with some tape.
Now the next phase of the testing begins I have to sit calmly in this little dark room. I am cozied up under a blanket with my shoes off. I am supposed to sit here for about 45 minutes. I am determined to be calmer then I have ever been. This is the most important test of my life and I certainly don't want to F it up by moving to many muscles. Luckily there is a flat screen TV in the room, a little mindless TV to distract the mind could be helpful in this situation. Unfortunately it is set to TLC and "A Baby Story" marathon is on. I do not have a remote control this is not good. Now I was a fan of this show during my pregnancies. There is a time in every woman's life where a show like this could connect you to the miracle of childbirth. I however did not feel that way on this particular day. I was sure watching one woman push during delivery was causing my own pelvic region to contract. I decided to ignore the show and manage to dose off for most of the next baby story. I awoke to a brilliant young woman who had managed to carry her second child to full term without even knowing that she was pregnant. Watching someone claim such a thing really does aggravate me on some kind of primitive level. How could I possibly relax with this kind of torture?
Finally Dan comes to get me and set me up in the tube for the scan itself. This is another part of the test where I get to be absolutely still again. Only to make it more fun this time I get to lie flat on my back. To make it interesting I get to hold my hands up over my head. Lucky for me my mastectomy and expanders made all my chest muscles super tight. I feel like a spring loaded mouse trap. With out complete concentration my arms could snap up at any moment. Dan proceeds to move the platform that I am on in and out of this machine. It looks like a large block with a cylinder in the middle. The room is a cool 50 - 60 degrees. Thankfully I have blankets over me, he does however forget to cover my bald head. Time to relax this will only take about 30 minutes or so. Great, my nose starts to itch just as the test begins. Now I am really starting to enjoy myself.
So I somewhat chant my way through the test drink water and breathe, drink water and breathe....you can do this..........
and it works I finish the test by about 12:30. There would be no results until I saw the Dr. the following week.
the rest of the story is coming soon.....
drink water and breathe..........
I had a PET scan on December 10th. This was not one of my finer medical moments. I had a lot of anxiety surrounding this test. All the treatment and surgery comes down to these results. My human brain can't help but wonder, is the cancer gone? did the chemo work? am I really finished? In preparation for the test I eat no carbs the day prior. I swear this gives me some kind of sugar withdrawal headache the night before the test. I of course don't take any medicine for the headache, even though they say it is okay. I personally feel like the less variables in my system the better. There is of course no medical reason for me to come to this conclusion, I try to just hydrate the headache away.
The next day I am allowed only water prior to the test. So I go strolling in the office determined to be my optimistic self. I have the scan done at the new SimonMed facility in Prescott Valley. My appointment was scheduled at 9:00 I arrived right on time. Then preceded to wait for one hour in the lobby. This flagrant abuse of patient time is something I find very frustrating. I attempt to keep my irritation at bay but it is kind of hard.
Finally around 10:00 I get called back. I am feeling rather confident in my ability to handle these medical tests like a grown up. Dan the technician is quite nice he takes me back to a holding area. First he tests my blood sugar to make sure it is within range. I take the finger prick like a champ. Next Dan locates a nice plump vein in my left arm and inserts a small butterfly. He flushes the line with a little saline, I get that nasty taste in my mouth which I get every time I have a saline flush. This is all pretty routine up to this point. I notice Dan has a little thing on his finger and I make some comment like "are zip-tie rings the latest accessory in the medical field?" He proceeds to tell me it is a radiation badge, designed to make sure that he is not exposed to to much of it, since it is harmful and all. Dan then leaves the room only to return with a giant metal syringe full of radioactive glucose that he will be injecting directly in to my veins. Somehow this situation is not comforting to me. My body decides to react with a loud ringing in my ears, I then start sweating profusely, then my vision starts to go in and out. I let nice Dan know that he needs to recline the chair and I am about to faint. I think this little episode lasts about a minute. I manage to not pass out completely. This return to my old reaction to medical treatment has me wondering if my Dr. phobia has improved at all? I start to calm down and Dan removes the butterfly and wraps my arm with some tape.
Now the next phase of the testing begins I have to sit calmly in this little dark room. I am cozied up under a blanket with my shoes off. I am supposed to sit here for about 45 minutes. I am determined to be calmer then I have ever been. This is the most important test of my life and I certainly don't want to F it up by moving to many muscles. Luckily there is a flat screen TV in the room, a little mindless TV to distract the mind could be helpful in this situation. Unfortunately it is set to TLC and "A Baby Story" marathon is on. I do not have a remote control this is not good. Now I was a fan of this show during my pregnancies. There is a time in every woman's life where a show like this could connect you to the miracle of childbirth. I however did not feel that way on this particular day. I was sure watching one woman push during delivery was causing my own pelvic region to contract. I decided to ignore the show and manage to dose off for most of the next baby story. I awoke to a brilliant young woman who had managed to carry her second child to full term without even knowing that she was pregnant. Watching someone claim such a thing really does aggravate me on some kind of primitive level. How could I possibly relax with this kind of torture?
Finally Dan comes to get me and set me up in the tube for the scan itself. This is another part of the test where I get to be absolutely still again. Only to make it more fun this time I get to lie flat on my back. To make it interesting I get to hold my hands up over my head. Lucky for me my mastectomy and expanders made all my chest muscles super tight. I feel like a spring loaded mouse trap. With out complete concentration my arms could snap up at any moment. Dan proceeds to move the platform that I am on in and out of this machine. It looks like a large block with a cylinder in the middle. The room is a cool 50 - 60 degrees. Thankfully I have blankets over me, he does however forget to cover my bald head. Time to relax this will only take about 30 minutes or so. Great, my nose starts to itch just as the test begins. Now I am really starting to enjoy myself.
So I somewhat chant my way through the test drink water and breathe, drink water and breathe....you can do this..........
and it works I finish the test by about 12:30. There would be no results until I saw the Dr. the following week.
the rest of the story is coming soon.....
drink water and breathe..........
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Chemo log 17 - over at last
What a journey it has been.
My last chemo went off without a hitch. Liette and Matt spent the day with me. They brought lunch and we played cards, I lost every hand of cribbage. Someone forgot to tell them the girl with cancer is allowed to win. I am thinking about putting together a chemo companion rule book after this all said and done. My friend Dani also stopped by with a celebratory basket full of all kinds of goodies. It is so nice to feel all the love and support that I have.
After treatment I picked the boys up from their play date and headed home for an early evening. My Dad phoned a couple hours after I got home and told me that my grandma Heatherbelle had passed away earlier that morning. My family knew that it was coming, she was after all 96. Grandma Heatherbelle lead quite a full and blessed life. The love and kindness she showed to everyone is something I will always admire and keep close to my heart. She was also a great romantic and would write the sweetest poems about love. So in addition to celebrating my last treatment I am also celebrating the rich full life of my grandma and all the love she shared with the world. We will forever share November 24th as a special day.
It is great to know that I have completed treatment. I am however only celebrating ever so lightly. I am at an in between stage. I have a PET scan scheduled later this week. They will take images of my body while a radioactive glucose is pumped through my veins. This test will confirm that I am cancer-free. So I am holding off the big celebration for the final word. It is wonderful to have the month off from treatment and know that my body will feel better with each passing day. I remember how scared I was just to get the PET scan before. Now eight long months later I can kind of gauge just how far I have come. All the treatment I have had leads up to this one test. I am probably more scared then I have ever been. At this point in the journey I have effectively managed my fear of the test itself and most things medical. It is the results that have the power and I want closure on cancer, I want my images to show my port and expanders and nothing else. I of course have no control over this and it will be as it will be.
My heart was heavy with breast cancer worry as the media is flooded with the death of Elizabeth Edwards. What an amazing woman and mother. The loss her family has experienced just brings me to tears. I have tried to give very little power to the fact that this disease that I share with so many women is deadly. I am not in denial, I just think hope is vital to strength and healing. I feel intimately connected to the sadness of all women who have lost their battle with breast cancer. We all will have to face our own mortality.........cancer patients have been forced to face theirs sooner then most would like.
On a lighter note the holiday season at the Rouette household is in full swing. The boys and I hung outdoor lights yesterday. This is something I have always wanted to do and never done. The results are great, so gaze at our hilltop in the evening if you are in the area or hell just stop by for an eggnog our door is always open. We purchased our live-potted tree and plan on decorating it tomorrow it only stands about 3 feet tall, but is soooo cute . Mason is going to be in his first Christmas pageant this week, I don't think he will have a speaking part but we have been practicing the carols in the car everyday. Then of course there is Mason's birthday party this weekend. We will be celebrating the big 5 which is impossible to believe. All this is happening this week in addition to a PET scan, work and school. No wonder I keep telling myself.....
drink water and breathe...........
My last chemo went off without a hitch. Liette and Matt spent the day with me. They brought lunch and we played cards, I lost every hand of cribbage. Someone forgot to tell them the girl with cancer is allowed to win. I am thinking about putting together a chemo companion rule book after this all said and done. My friend Dani also stopped by with a celebratory basket full of all kinds of goodies. It is so nice to feel all the love and support that I have.
After treatment I picked the boys up from their play date and headed home for an early evening. My Dad phoned a couple hours after I got home and told me that my grandma Heatherbelle had passed away earlier that morning. My family knew that it was coming, she was after all 96. Grandma Heatherbelle lead quite a full and blessed life. The love and kindness she showed to everyone is something I will always admire and keep close to my heart. She was also a great romantic and would write the sweetest poems about love. So in addition to celebrating my last treatment I am also celebrating the rich full life of my grandma and all the love she shared with the world. We will forever share November 24th as a special day.
It is great to know that I have completed treatment. I am however only celebrating ever so lightly. I am at an in between stage. I have a PET scan scheduled later this week. They will take images of my body while a radioactive glucose is pumped through my veins. This test will confirm that I am cancer-free. So I am holding off the big celebration for the final word. It is wonderful to have the month off from treatment and know that my body will feel better with each passing day. I remember how scared I was just to get the PET scan before. Now eight long months later I can kind of gauge just how far I have come. All the treatment I have had leads up to this one test. I am probably more scared then I have ever been. At this point in the journey I have effectively managed my fear of the test itself and most things medical. It is the results that have the power and I want closure on cancer, I want my images to show my port and expanders and nothing else. I of course have no control over this and it will be as it will be.
My heart was heavy with breast cancer worry as the media is flooded with the death of Elizabeth Edwards. What an amazing woman and mother. The loss her family has experienced just brings me to tears. I have tried to give very little power to the fact that this disease that I share with so many women is deadly. I am not in denial, I just think hope is vital to strength and healing. I feel intimately connected to the sadness of all women who have lost their battle with breast cancer. We all will have to face our own mortality.........cancer patients have been forced to face theirs sooner then most would like.
On a lighter note the holiday season at the Rouette household is in full swing. The boys and I hung outdoor lights yesterday. This is something I have always wanted to do and never done. The results are great, so gaze at our hilltop in the evening if you are in the area or hell just stop by for an eggnog our door is always open. We purchased our live-potted tree and plan on decorating it tomorrow it only stands about 3 feet tall, but is soooo cute . Mason is going to be in his first Christmas pageant this week, I don't think he will have a speaking part but we have been practicing the carols in the car everyday. Then of course there is Mason's birthday party this weekend. We will be celebrating the big 5 which is impossible to believe. All this is happening this week in addition to a PET scan, work and school. No wonder I keep telling myself.....
drink water and breathe...........
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Chemo log 16 - eve of my last treatment
I knew this day would come. I did not realize it would happen so fast. Tomorrow is my last carboplatin/taxol treatment. In 24 hours my chemo journey will come to an end.
For all that have been keeping up chronologically, the boys and I have recovered from our colds and such that began to plague our household around my last treatment. We all have a little lingering cough but that is nothing compared to how sick we all were. At any rate we are all pretty healthy and tomorrow I go for my final chemo treatment.
Many thanks to all of my supporters, the last month or so has been pretty tough. I appreciate all the cards, meals, movies, house cleaning and everything else. Without the help of so many these last few months would have been unbearable.
Part of me feels like in addition to helping with preparations for our family Thanksgiving (my mom is doing most of it) I should also be preparing for my last treatment. I am not sure how exactly, I am kind of in a state of disbelief. I am overjoyed that my body was able to handle the chemo as well as it has. But I am exhausted, chemo has been a long hard road, physically, emotionally even spiritually. The medicine is designed to kill all fast growing cells. I believe it kills them and so many more. Chemo strips you down, one hair at a time. Sometimes I feel that all that is left are my eyes and they are a portal into my soul. It too has been along on this trek and it to has been changed. It is hard to explain what it is like, loss does not quite encapsulate what I have been through. Chemo is a gift that gives by breaking down my body. It is kind of a paradox, this loss I am experiencing is truly a gain for the rest of my life. I guess that knowledge doesn't make the journey any more fun. Thankfully I am able to remind myself along the way that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
I guess this leaves my preparations for my last chemotherapy much like all the others. I pack up my chemo bag, books, knitting, cribbage board, netbook, and blanket. I head there wrapped up in all the love and support that I have had along the way. I realize how lucky I am to be alive, to be receiving treatment, grateful that my body is tolerating them so well.
Oh yeah and I am completely fricking thrilled that this is my last one.
Drink water and breathe.....
For all that have been keeping up chronologically, the boys and I have recovered from our colds and such that began to plague our household around my last treatment. We all have a little lingering cough but that is nothing compared to how sick we all were. At any rate we are all pretty healthy and tomorrow I go for my final chemo treatment.
Many thanks to all of my supporters, the last month or so has been pretty tough. I appreciate all the cards, meals, movies, house cleaning and everything else. Without the help of so many these last few months would have been unbearable.
Part of me feels like in addition to helping with preparations for our family Thanksgiving (my mom is doing most of it) I should also be preparing for my last treatment. I am not sure how exactly, I am kind of in a state of disbelief. I am overjoyed that my body was able to handle the chemo as well as it has. But I am exhausted, chemo has been a long hard road, physically, emotionally even spiritually. The medicine is designed to kill all fast growing cells. I believe it kills them and so many more. Chemo strips you down, one hair at a time. Sometimes I feel that all that is left are my eyes and they are a portal into my soul. It too has been along on this trek and it to has been changed. It is hard to explain what it is like, loss does not quite encapsulate what I have been through. Chemo is a gift that gives by breaking down my body. It is kind of a paradox, this loss I am experiencing is truly a gain for the rest of my life. I guess that knowledge doesn't make the journey any more fun. Thankfully I am able to remind myself along the way that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
I guess this leaves my preparations for my last chemotherapy much like all the others. I pack up my chemo bag, books, knitting, cribbage board, netbook, and blanket. I head there wrapped up in all the love and support that I have had along the way. I realize how lucky I am to be alive, to be receiving treatment, grateful that my body is tolerating them so well.
Oh yeah and I am completely fricking thrilled that this is my last one.
Drink water and breathe.....
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Chemo log 15, REALLY sick
So much for my whiny post prior to this. Since then, I have been really sick. The sick I mentioned before was pseudo-sick, or sick because I am having chemo therapy and I ought to be sick. Maybe obligatory sick is the term I am looking for, I may have just made that up. At any rate since my last post I have been REALLY sick.
It started the week before Halloween. Wednesday, October 27th my son Corbin was in bed until 1:00 PM. This has not happened in his entire life. He was some kind of sick. Conveniently my family Dr. is closed on Wednesday. I swear since I became a mother my kids are only sick on Wednesdays or Weekends. So I wait to take Corbin to the Dr. on Thursday.
Since I so love going to the Doctor I went for my scheduled lab appointment with Dr. Vu. I would not have been able to go if not for Mary who came to the rescue. She came over and watched Corbin sleep for a few hours while I was at my appointment. Not to many are willing to watch your kids when they are so sick. I told Dr. Vu of the illness I had going at home and he said to wash my hands often and it should not be a problem. I believed Dr. Vu and was on my merry way.
Thursday, October 28th, Corbin is still really sick and I get him into the Dr. that afternoon. After examining him the NP decides he has strep. She offers me 2 options, door number one is antibiotics for 10 days or door number to is a shot. I opt for door number 2, he is so sick and it just gets them better that much faster, not to mention the stinky pink antibiotic for 10 days is no fun. Now the only person in the known universe that hates shots more than myself is my son Corbin. One time he was so terrified by a flu shot, he bit me. So why would I put my 1st born through this? Because I feel he was that sick. Drastic times call for drastic measures, so myself and 2 nurses pin him down to give him the injection in the butt. He is not pleased, but it is over in less then a minute and with the exception of the slight limp he is no worse for the wear. My family is now on the road to wellness.
I feel fine, Corbin is improving, Mason has shown signs of tiredness but we are not going to get sick. That of course only lasts until Saturday morning when Mason decides it is his turn to be sick, he spikes a fever and passes out for a few hours in the middle of the day. Are you kidding me? I still feel okay, and the boys go to their fathers house for the rest of the weekend. I will rest up, I do not want to get sick.
My immune system fights admirably until about Monday afternoon, when a head cold starts to settle in. Tuesday afternoon I had a nose bleed that I swear was a tumor in my sinuses that had ruptured. I am about ready to call the Dr. when the bleeding finally stops (I am talking 5 minutes or so). I think the blood loss weakened my immune system to the point of me officially getting sick that evening. No fever just lots of drainage, coughing and generally feeling crummy. Wednesday it gets worse but I am still not totally laid up. At this point I call the chemo office and they say come in as scheduled the Dr. will decide.
Thursday, November 4th, I felt pretty crappy, dropped the boys off at school and headed for the chemo office. I had mixed feeling about treatment. I did not want to postpone treatment, if I am going to be sick I might as well be double sick right? But, I didn't want to be incapacitated and end up in the hospital. I guess the Dr. knows whats best. I will leave it in his capable hands. Dr. Vu looks in my throat and says it is probably viral. We proceed with treatment and he sends me home with a Z-pack in case I get worse over the weekend.
Treatment is extra sad for me this time. I was sick, so I must have been a little more tender then usual. It seemed crowded lots of VERY thin people, clinging to hope. New people recently diagnosed with cancer, "that feel great". I was very cold during this treatment and it is the one time I forgot to bring my own blanket. I end up sleeping until Jen arrives with lunch. I never sleep while there either. Kind of strange all around, the chemo brain, the cold, the sadness it all kind of left me in a fog.
Dinner was provided by my friend Salli that evening so after picking up the boys I only need to head home and put my feet up. Salli you could not have picked a better day, I was exhausted beyond belief by the time I got home that afternoon. I turned in around 8:00 PM with the boys, and I fell asleep instantly. Only to be awake from about 1:00 to 4:00 AM on my steroid high. My body just keeps responding to all this medicine that is running through my veins and these sleepless nights have been consistent at least. I wake up Friday still believing that I am not going to get REALLY sick and I head to work.
By this point I am kind of in shock that I have completed 9 out of 10 chemo treatments. I can't believe that I am already here. This cancer journey has been so fast I don't even know where the last 7 months have gone. This realization gives me a little buzz that I ride throughout my day.
Hooray the end is in sight!!!!!!!
By Friday night I finally succumb to this illness that I have been dancing with for the better part of a week. I proceed to get sick, my head hurts, my throat hurts, I am coughing, my bones hurt I have it all going on. I spend another entire Saturday on the couch. The number of times I have done this in the last year is just maddening. This particular Saturday is the worst one yet all the tea, juice, water and rest doesn't seem to be enough I am just miserable. I blow through a couple of boxes of Kleenex. I put off taking the antibiotic the Dr. prescribed, I am waiting for my mucus to turn a particular shade of green, I don't think chartreuse is really a green do you? This must be viral, it can't last much longer, how much snot can I produce anyway. I am a cancer patient doesn't that count for something?
Sunday morning I wake up and decide that I need soup. I have been sick enough it was time to get off the couch. So I take myself to the grocery store where I load up on tea, juice, and Kleenex. I proceed to make a giant pot of soup. Half way through this process I realize I don't really feel well enough to be doing this but who stops in the middle of a pot of soup. That evening this illness comes back with such a vengeance, I finally take the antibiotics. I don't care at this point I will take anything that will make me feel one iota better. Funny the bone pain has not been quite as severe as the last couple times, or maybe this rotten cold is just a distraction?
In between coughing fits and blowing my nose....drink water and breathe................
It started the week before Halloween. Wednesday, October 27th my son Corbin was in bed until 1:00 PM. This has not happened in his entire life. He was some kind of sick. Conveniently my family Dr. is closed on Wednesday. I swear since I became a mother my kids are only sick on Wednesdays or Weekends. So I wait to take Corbin to the Dr. on Thursday.
Since I so love going to the Doctor I went for my scheduled lab appointment with Dr. Vu. I would not have been able to go if not for Mary who came to the rescue. She came over and watched Corbin sleep for a few hours while I was at my appointment. Not to many are willing to watch your kids when they are so sick. I told Dr. Vu of the illness I had going at home and he said to wash my hands often and it should not be a problem. I believed Dr. Vu and was on my merry way.
Thursday, October 28th, Corbin is still really sick and I get him into the Dr. that afternoon. After examining him the NP decides he has strep. She offers me 2 options, door number one is antibiotics for 10 days or door number to is a shot. I opt for door number 2, he is so sick and it just gets them better that much faster, not to mention the stinky pink antibiotic for 10 days is no fun. Now the only person in the known universe that hates shots more than myself is my son Corbin. One time he was so terrified by a flu shot, he bit me. So why would I put my 1st born through this? Because I feel he was that sick. Drastic times call for drastic measures, so myself and 2 nurses pin him down to give him the injection in the butt. He is not pleased, but it is over in less then a minute and with the exception of the slight limp he is no worse for the wear. My family is now on the road to wellness.
I feel fine, Corbin is improving, Mason has shown signs of tiredness but we are not going to get sick. That of course only lasts until Saturday morning when Mason decides it is his turn to be sick, he spikes a fever and passes out for a few hours in the middle of the day. Are you kidding me? I still feel okay, and the boys go to their fathers house for the rest of the weekend. I will rest up, I do not want to get sick.
My immune system fights admirably until about Monday afternoon, when a head cold starts to settle in. Tuesday afternoon I had a nose bleed that I swear was a tumor in my sinuses that had ruptured. I am about ready to call the Dr. when the bleeding finally stops (I am talking 5 minutes or so). I think the blood loss weakened my immune system to the point of me officially getting sick that evening. No fever just lots of drainage, coughing and generally feeling crummy. Wednesday it gets worse but I am still not totally laid up. At this point I call the chemo office and they say come in as scheduled the Dr. will decide.
Thursday, November 4th, I felt pretty crappy, dropped the boys off at school and headed for the chemo office. I had mixed feeling about treatment. I did not want to postpone treatment, if I am going to be sick I might as well be double sick right? But, I didn't want to be incapacitated and end up in the hospital. I guess the Dr. knows whats best. I will leave it in his capable hands. Dr. Vu looks in my throat and says it is probably viral. We proceed with treatment and he sends me home with a Z-pack in case I get worse over the weekend.
Treatment is extra sad for me this time. I was sick, so I must have been a little more tender then usual. It seemed crowded lots of VERY thin people, clinging to hope. New people recently diagnosed with cancer, "that feel great". I was very cold during this treatment and it is the one time I forgot to bring my own blanket. I end up sleeping until Jen arrives with lunch. I never sleep while there either. Kind of strange all around, the chemo brain, the cold, the sadness it all kind of left me in a fog.
Dinner was provided by my friend Salli that evening so after picking up the boys I only need to head home and put my feet up. Salli you could not have picked a better day, I was exhausted beyond belief by the time I got home that afternoon. I turned in around 8:00 PM with the boys, and I fell asleep instantly. Only to be awake from about 1:00 to 4:00 AM on my steroid high. My body just keeps responding to all this medicine that is running through my veins and these sleepless nights have been consistent at least. I wake up Friday still believing that I am not going to get REALLY sick and I head to work.
By this point I am kind of in shock that I have completed 9 out of 10 chemo treatments. I can't believe that I am already here. This cancer journey has been so fast I don't even know where the last 7 months have gone. This realization gives me a little buzz that I ride throughout my day.
Hooray the end is in sight!!!!!!!
By Friday night I finally succumb to this illness that I have been dancing with for the better part of a week. I proceed to get sick, my head hurts, my throat hurts, I am coughing, my bones hurt I have it all going on. I spend another entire Saturday on the couch. The number of times I have done this in the last year is just maddening. This particular Saturday is the worst one yet all the tea, juice, water and rest doesn't seem to be enough I am just miserable. I blow through a couple of boxes of Kleenex. I put off taking the antibiotic the Dr. prescribed, I am waiting for my mucus to turn a particular shade of green, I don't think chartreuse is really a green do you? This must be viral, it can't last much longer, how much snot can I produce anyway. I am a cancer patient doesn't that count for something?
Sunday morning I wake up and decide that I need soup. I have been sick enough it was time to get off the couch. So I take myself to the grocery store where I load up on tea, juice, and Kleenex. I proceed to make a giant pot of soup. Half way through this process I realize I don't really feel well enough to be doing this but who stops in the middle of a pot of soup. That evening this illness comes back with such a vengeance, I finally take the antibiotics. I don't care at this point I will take anything that will make me feel one iota better. Funny the bone pain has not been quite as severe as the last couple times, or maybe this rotten cold is just a distraction?
In between coughing fits and blowing my nose....drink water and breathe................
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Chemo log 14 Sick, Lame and Lazy.......
My last treatment was October 14th and my lack of blogging comes from a completely full schedule, with some pretty crummy days thrown in.
Treatment 8 of 10 was during the week of fall break which made for less scheduling conflicts with the boys. Wouldn't you know the one day I can relax at the chemo lounge and not have to rush anywhere to pick up kids is the one day they are actually ahead of schedule??? WTF... kind of felt like one of those zen life lessons about having more time when you are not busy rushing. So due to fall break a new friend was added to my chemo dance card, my friend Dani brought lunch and came to spend the afternoon with me. Unlike all the other friends Dani has recently begun her own cancer journey so she can relate a little more to what I am experiencing. Like so many things in life no two paths are the same, cancer treatment is even more varied from case to case and Dr. to Dr. Dani and I passed the afternoon playing cribbage, which I don't know if I have mentioned to anyone is the best card game of all time. I have only played this game with a small handful of players (4 total and 1 is deceased) so it is a joy to find someone new to play with. She even introduced me to a new game called Kings Cribbage which was like a cross between Scrabble and Cribbage, totally fun. My treatment was finished early, I was not ready to stop playing.
The treatment went well no real side effects during. I was very tired from the Benedryl drip and nearly took a nap. Dani and I passed the time quickly with the games and we were on our way before I knew it. I felt so good afterwards I talked Dani into stopping for gelato on the way home.
We stopped at this little Bistro/Coffeehouse/Pizzeria over in Prescott Lakes. Can I just say my gelato and cappuccino were absolutely perfect. After our little treat we walked to the beauty school next door to book some beauty on a budget. We planned facials for Saturday and headed for home. It was a pretty fun day all things considered.
I got home and just settled in. I did my usual post chemo shower and prepared for a quiet evening. I was tired but could not sleep, probably a combination of steroids and cappuccino. I finally fell asleep around 10:30 that evening. Only to awaken around 1:00 AM to a horrible case of heart burn, which eventually lead to me puking 3 or 4 times. This would be the sick and lame part of my story. I had not experienced nausea or vomiting since my last A/C treatment. My simple mind felt I was past that part of this journey. The good news is I was able to eventually drift back off to sleep after the puking. The next day I woke up feeling pretty good and went to work.
That particular Friday was pretty busy at the restaurant. Good because we are making money and it keeps my mind off the possibility of being sick. Bad because it take a lot of concentration on my part to multitask these day. Not to mention I occasionally get whiny and think I need to be "resting" This would be the lame and lazy part of my post. The truth is the day seemed pretty manageable, I felt tired but hell what single mom isn't?
I proceeded to come home from that Friday shift around 4:00 PM. I did not leave my couch or bed until 6:00 PM on Sunday. I was completely wiped out, I heated meals out of the freezer. I slipped in and out of consciousness for 2 full days. How did I feel you wonder? Awful does not quite describe the pain that I was in. There were times that standing would cause me the most horrible bone pain, at times I was even shaky. Some moments I wanted to cry from the pain, my mind is fine and no other real symptoms so I find this "bone" pain rather irritating. It hurts so bad I can't seem to Jedi it away. Vicodin did help to take the edge off, but it was still there lingering in the back ground. Totally lame, I was so miserable I even cancelled my beauty school facial. Spending an entire weekend doing "absolutely" nothing makes me crazy. I couldn't even muster up the focus to blog.
Fortunately "this to will pass" and I rallied enough strength to go out to dinner Sunday night with a friend. For me it is always that step in the forward direction that gets me out of my cave and makes me feel like I am healing. I need to stay busy and engaged in life around me. I am only willing to give cancer so much power over my life and 2 days is my current limit, even that I give begrudgingly.
Monday it is back to work as usual, only just a tad slower, there is a certain cumulative effect of the chemo and I am thankful I have only 2 treatments to go.
Thanks for following along.....
Drink water and breathe.........
Treatment 8 of 10 was during the week of fall break which made for less scheduling conflicts with the boys. Wouldn't you know the one day I can relax at the chemo lounge and not have to rush anywhere to pick up kids is the one day they are actually ahead of schedule??? WTF... kind of felt like one of those zen life lessons about having more time when you are not busy rushing. So due to fall break a new friend was added to my chemo dance card, my friend Dani brought lunch and came to spend the afternoon with me. Unlike all the other friends Dani has recently begun her own cancer journey so she can relate a little more to what I am experiencing. Like so many things in life no two paths are the same, cancer treatment is even more varied from case to case and Dr. to Dr. Dani and I passed the afternoon playing cribbage, which I don't know if I have mentioned to anyone is the best card game of all time. I have only played this game with a small handful of players (4 total and 1 is deceased) so it is a joy to find someone new to play with. She even introduced me to a new game called Kings Cribbage which was like a cross between Scrabble and Cribbage, totally fun. My treatment was finished early, I was not ready to stop playing.
The treatment went well no real side effects during. I was very tired from the Benedryl drip and nearly took a nap. Dani and I passed the time quickly with the games and we were on our way before I knew it. I felt so good afterwards I talked Dani into stopping for gelato on the way home.
We stopped at this little Bistro/Coffeehouse/Pizzeria over in Prescott Lakes. Can I just say my gelato and cappuccino were absolutely perfect. After our little treat we walked to the beauty school next door to book some beauty on a budget. We planned facials for Saturday and headed for home. It was a pretty fun day all things considered.
I got home and just settled in. I did my usual post chemo shower and prepared for a quiet evening. I was tired but could not sleep, probably a combination of steroids and cappuccino. I finally fell asleep around 10:30 that evening. Only to awaken around 1:00 AM to a horrible case of heart burn, which eventually lead to me puking 3 or 4 times. This would be the sick and lame part of my story. I had not experienced nausea or vomiting since my last A/C treatment. My simple mind felt I was past that part of this journey. The good news is I was able to eventually drift back off to sleep after the puking. The next day I woke up feeling pretty good and went to work.
That particular Friday was pretty busy at the restaurant. Good because we are making money and it keeps my mind off the possibility of being sick. Bad because it take a lot of concentration on my part to multitask these day. Not to mention I occasionally get whiny and think I need to be "resting" This would be the lame and lazy part of my post. The truth is the day seemed pretty manageable, I felt tired but hell what single mom isn't?
I proceeded to come home from that Friday shift around 4:00 PM. I did not leave my couch or bed until 6:00 PM on Sunday. I was completely wiped out, I heated meals out of the freezer. I slipped in and out of consciousness for 2 full days. How did I feel you wonder? Awful does not quite describe the pain that I was in. There were times that standing would cause me the most horrible bone pain, at times I was even shaky. Some moments I wanted to cry from the pain, my mind is fine and no other real symptoms so I find this "bone" pain rather irritating. It hurts so bad I can't seem to Jedi it away. Vicodin did help to take the edge off, but it was still there lingering in the back ground. Totally lame, I was so miserable I even cancelled my beauty school facial. Spending an entire weekend doing "absolutely" nothing makes me crazy. I couldn't even muster up the focus to blog.
Fortunately "this to will pass" and I rallied enough strength to go out to dinner Sunday night with a friend. For me it is always that step in the forward direction that gets me out of my cave and makes me feel like I am healing. I need to stay busy and engaged in life around me. I am only willing to give cancer so much power over my life and 2 days is my current limit, even that I give begrudgingly.
Monday it is back to work as usual, only just a tad slower, there is a certain cumulative effect of the chemo and I am thankful I have only 2 treatments to go.
Thanks for following along.....
Drink water and breathe.........
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Chemo log 13 Live from Arizona Oncology
Live from Arizona Oncology, this place is heavy. So am I for that matter, all the steroids seem to be working. I am packing on lots of lean hard fat. The staff here is very nice, and seems quite knowledgeable. The other patients are friendly and I chat to pass some time. Small talk seems strange when everyone you are talking to is so very deep in the trenches of fighting this horrible disease. So I am feeling a little strange. The chemo makes me a little light headed, I don’t have the concentration. I am here talking to patients that are on a similar path to me, yet I am missing something.
So what is it that seems to be weighing me down? Hard to decide exactly which point is getting under my skin. Kate delivered lunch to me today. Yummy sandwich from Pangaea, followed by even better carrot cake muffinsJ I am tired but I cannot sleep. I doze a bit and then am wide awake. Time is on my mind, time to accomplish things, time to rest, time to have fun, time, time, time. I spend a lot of time in one place during treatment. I don’t have the concentration to read too much, I dose off. I whip out the net-book and my patience is at an all time low for technology. A net book is a perfect metaphor for my foggy brain. It operates sloooowly from lack of use. I think about my schedule often. Where the boys are supposed to be, where am I supposed to be?
Always the “why” follows me, I am not sure why I can’t get a handle on juggling life and cancer. I always try to return to the present moment, this is the only place I have in common with everyone else. While I am here I “drink water and breathe”, I am not here often enough. Chemo has taken me out of my body and put me somewhere in the periphery of my own existence. Reading that sentence sounds incredibly strange but I think that sums it up.
This post is almost “live from chemo”, they don’t have wireless there so I am home finishing it up. So far I feel a bit flashy, but the fog in my head seems to be clearing.
The greatest news of all is that I have completed 7 treatments I have only 3 more to go!!!!! I am thinking of raffling off my last 3 spots so if any one is interested, and wants to get in on the action just let me know.
Goodnight to all….. drink water and breathe
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)