Chemo log 16 - eve of my last treatment

I knew this day would come. I did not realize it would happen so fast. Tomorrow is my last carboplatin/taxol treatment. In 24 hours my chemo journey will come to an end.

For all that have been keeping up chronologically, the boys and I have recovered from our colds and such that began to plague our household around my last treatment. We all have a little lingering cough but that is nothing compared to how sick we all were. At any rate we are all pretty healthy and tomorrow I go for my final chemo treatment.

Many thanks to all of my supporters, the last month or so has been pretty tough. I appreciate all the cards, meals, movies, house cleaning and everything else. Without the help of so many these last few months would have been unbearable.

Part of me feels like in addition to helping with preparations for our family Thanksgiving (my mom is doing most of it) I should also be preparing for my last treatment. I am not sure how exactly, I am kind of in a state of disbelief. I am overjoyed that my body was able to handle the chemo as well as it has. But I am exhausted, chemo has been a long hard road, physically, emotionally even spiritually. The medicine is designed to kill all fast growing cells. I believe it kills them and so many more. Chemo strips you down, one hair at a time. Sometimes I feel that all that is left are my eyes and they are a portal into my soul. It too has been along on this trek and it to has been changed. It is hard to explain what it is like, loss does not quite encapsulate what I have been through. Chemo is a gift that gives by breaking down my body. It is kind of a paradox, this loss I am experiencing is truly a gain for the rest of my life. I guess that knowledge doesn't make the journey any more fun. Thankfully I am able to remind myself along the way that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I guess this leaves my preparations for my last chemotherapy much like all the others. I pack up my chemo bag, books, knitting, cribbage board, netbook, and blanket. I head there wrapped up in all the love and support that I have had along the way. I realize how lucky I am to be alive, to be receiving treatment, grateful that my body is tolerating them so well.

Oh yeah and I am completely fricking thrilled that this is my last one.

Drink water and breathe.....

Chemo log 15, REALLY sick

So much for my whiny post prior to this. Since then, I have been really sick. The sick I mentioned before was pseudo-sick, or sick because I am having chemo therapy and I ought to be sick. Maybe obligatory sick is the term I am looking for, I may have just made that up. At any rate since my last post I have been REALLY sick.

It started the week before Halloween. Wednesday, October 27th my son Corbin was in bed until 1:00 PM. This has not happened in his entire life. He was some kind of sick. Conveniently my family Dr. is closed on Wednesday. I swear since I became a mother my kids are only sick on Wednesdays or Weekends. So I wait to take Corbin to the Dr. on Thursday.

Since I so love going to the Doctor I went for my scheduled lab appointment with Dr. Vu. I would not have been able to go if not for Mary who came to the rescue. She came over and watched Corbin sleep for a few hours while I was at my appointment. Not to many are willing to watch your kids when they are so sick. I told Dr. Vu of the illness I had going at home and he said to wash my hands often and it should not be a problem. I believed Dr. Vu and was on my merry way.

Thursday, October 28th, Corbin is still really sick and I get him into the Dr. that afternoon. After examining him the NP decides he has strep. She offers me 2 options, door number one is antibiotics for 10 days or door number to is a shot. I opt for door number 2, he is so sick and it just gets them better that much faster, not to mention the stinky pink antibiotic for 10 days is no fun. Now the only person in the known universe that hates shots more than myself is my son Corbin. One time he was so terrified by a flu shot, he bit me. So why would I put my 1st born through this? Because I feel he was that sick. Drastic times call for drastic measures, so myself and 2 nurses pin him down to give him the injection in the butt. He is not pleased, but it is over in less then a minute and with the exception of the slight limp he is no worse for the wear. My family is now on the road to wellness.

I feel fine, Corbin is improving, Mason has shown signs of tiredness but we are not going to get sick. That of course only lasts until Saturday morning when Mason decides it is his turn to be sick, he spikes a fever and passes out for a few hours in the middle of the day. Are you kidding me? I still feel okay, and the boys go to their fathers house for the rest of the weekend. I will rest up, I do not want to get sick.

My immune system fights admirably until about Monday afternoon, when a head cold starts to settle in. Tuesday afternoon I had a nose bleed that I swear was a tumor in my sinuses that had ruptured. I am about ready to call the Dr. when the bleeding finally stops (I am talking 5 minutes or so). I think the blood loss weakened my immune system to the point of me officially getting sick that evening. No fever just lots of drainage, coughing and generally feeling crummy. Wednesday it gets worse but I am still not totally laid up. At this point I call the chemo office and they say come in as scheduled the Dr. will decide.

Thursday, November 4th, I felt pretty crappy, dropped the boys off at school and headed for the chemo office. I had mixed feeling about treatment. I did not want to postpone treatment, if I am going to be sick I might as well be double sick right? But, I didn't want to be incapacitated and end up in the hospital. I guess the Dr. knows whats best. I will leave it in his capable hands. Dr. Vu looks in my throat and says it is probably viral. We proceed with treatment and he sends me home with a Z-pack in case I get worse over the weekend.

Treatment is extra sad for me this time. I was sick, so I must have been a little more tender then usual. It seemed crowded lots of VERY thin people, clinging to hope. New people recently diagnosed with cancer, "that feel great". I was very cold during this treatment and it is the one time I forgot to bring my own blanket. I end up sleeping until Jen arrives with lunch. I never sleep while there either. Kind of strange all around, the chemo brain, the cold, the sadness it all kind of left me in a fog.

Dinner was provided by my friend Salli that evening so after picking up the boys I only need to head home and put my feet up. Salli you could not have picked a better day, I was exhausted beyond belief by the time I got home that afternoon. I turned in around 8:00 PM with the boys, and I fell asleep instantly. Only to be awake from about 1:00 to 4:00 AM on my steroid high. My body just keeps responding to all this medicine that is running through my veins and these sleepless nights have been consistent at least. I wake up Friday still believing that I am not going to get REALLY sick and I head to work.

By this point I am kind of in shock that I have completed 9 out of 10 chemo treatments. I can't believe that I am already here. This cancer journey has been so fast I don't even know where the last 7 months have gone. This realization gives me a little buzz that I ride throughout my day.
Hooray the end is in sight!!!!!!!

By Friday night I finally succumb to this illness that I have been dancing with for the better part of a week. I proceed to get sick, my head hurts, my throat hurts, I am coughing, my bones hurt I have it all going on. I spend another entire Saturday on the couch. The number of times I have done this in the last year is just maddening. This particular Saturday is the worst one yet all the tea, juice, water and rest doesn't seem to be enough I am just miserable. I blow through a couple of boxes of Kleenex. I put off taking the antibiotic the Dr. prescribed, I am waiting for my mucus to turn a particular shade of green, I don't think chartreuse is really a green do you? This must be viral, it can't last much longer, how much snot can I produce anyway. I am a cancer patient doesn't that count for something?

Sunday morning I wake up and decide that I need soup. I have been sick enough it was time to get off the couch. So I take myself to the grocery store where I load up on tea, juice, and Kleenex. I proceed to make a giant pot of soup. Half way through this process I realize I don't really feel well enough to be doing this but who stops in the middle of a pot of soup. That evening this illness comes back with such a vengeance, I finally take the antibiotics. I don't care at this point I will take anything that will make me feel one iota better. Funny the bone pain has not been quite as severe as the last couple times, or maybe this rotten cold is just a distraction?

In between coughing fits and blowing my nose....drink water and breathe................

Chemo log 14 Sick, Lame and Lazy.......

My last treatment was October 14th and my lack of blogging comes from a completely full schedule, with some pretty crummy days thrown in.



Treatment 8 of 10 was during the week of fall break which made for less scheduling conflicts with the boys. Wouldn't you know the one day I can relax at the chemo lounge and not have to rush anywhere to pick up kids is the one day they are actually ahead of schedule??? WTF... kind of felt like one of those zen life lessons about having more time when you are not busy rushing. So due to fall break a new friend was added to my chemo dance card, my friend Dani brought lunch and came to spend the afternoon with me. Unlike all the other friends Dani has recently begun her own cancer journey so she can relate a little more to what I am experiencing. Like so many things in life no two paths are the same, cancer treatment is even more varied from case to case and Dr. to Dr. Dani and I passed the afternoon playing cribbage, which I don't know if I have mentioned to anyone is the best card game of all time. I have only played this game with a small handful of players (4 total and 1 is deceased) so it is a joy to find someone new to play with. She even introduced me to a new game called Kings Cribbage which was like a cross between Scrabble and Cribbage, totally fun. My treatment was finished early, I was not ready to stop playing.



The treatment went well no real side effects during. I was very tired from the Benedryl drip and nearly took a nap. Dani and I passed the time quickly with the games and we were on our way before I knew it. I felt so good afterwards I talked Dani into stopping for gelato on the way home.



We stopped at this little Bistro/Coffeehouse/Pizzeria over in Prescott Lakes. Can I just say my gelato and cappuccino were absolutely perfect. After our little treat we walked to the beauty school next door to book some beauty on a budget. We planned facials for Saturday and headed for home. It was a pretty fun day all things considered.



I got home and just settled in. I did my usual post chemo shower and prepared for a quiet evening. I was tired but could not sleep, probably a combination of steroids and cappuccino. I finally fell asleep around 10:30 that evening. Only to awaken around 1:00 AM to a horrible case of heart burn, which eventually lead to me puking 3 or 4 times. This would be the sick and lame part of my story. I had not experienced nausea or vomiting since my last A/C treatment. My simple mind felt I was past that part of this journey. The good news is I was able to eventually drift back off to sleep after the puking. The next day I woke up feeling pretty good and went to work.



That particular Friday was pretty busy at the restaurant. Good because we are making money and it keeps my mind off the possibility of being sick. Bad because it take a lot of concentration on my part to multitask these day. Not to mention I occasionally get whiny and think I need to be "resting" This would be the lame and lazy part of my post. The truth is the day seemed pretty manageable, I felt tired but hell what single mom isn't?



I proceeded to come home from that Friday shift around 4:00 PM. I did not leave my couch or bed until 6:00 PM on Sunday. I was completely wiped out, I heated meals out of the freezer. I slipped in and out of consciousness for 2 full days. How did I feel you wonder? Awful does not quite describe the pain that I was in. There were times that standing would cause me the most horrible bone pain, at times I was even shaky. Some moments I wanted to cry from the pain, my mind is fine and no other real symptoms so I find this "bone" pain rather irritating. It hurts so bad I can't seem to Jedi it away. Vicodin did help to take the edge off, but it was still there lingering in the back ground. Totally lame, I was so miserable I even cancelled my beauty school facial. Spending an entire weekend doing "absolutely" nothing makes me crazy. I couldn't even muster up the focus to blog.

Fortunately "this to will pass" and I rallied enough strength to go out to dinner Sunday night with a friend. For me it is always that step in the forward direction that gets me out of my cave and makes me feel like I am healing. I need to stay busy and engaged in life around me. I am only willing to give cancer so much power over my life and 2 days is my current limit, even that I give begrudgingly.

Monday it is back to work as usual, only just a tad slower, there is a certain cumulative effect of the chemo and I am thankful I have only 2 treatments to go.

Thanks for following along.....

Drink water and breathe.........

Chemo log 13 Live from Arizona Oncology

Live from Arizona Oncology, this place is heavy. So am I for that matter, all the steroids seem to be working. I am packing on lots of lean hard fat. The staff here is very nice, and seems quite knowledgeable. The other patients are friendly and I chat to pass some time. Small talk seems strange when everyone you are talking to is so very deep in the trenches of fighting this horrible disease. So I am feeling a little strange. The chemo makes me a little light headed, I don’t have the concentration. I am here talking to patients that are on a similar path to me, yet I am missing something.

So what is it that seems to be weighing me down? Hard to decide exactly which point is getting under my skin. Kate delivered lunch to me today. Yummy sandwich from Pangaea, followed by even better carrot cake muffinsJ I am tired but I cannot sleep. I doze a bit and then am wide awake. Time is on my mind, time to accomplish things, time to rest, time to have fun, time, time, time. I spend a lot of time in one place during treatment. I don’t have the concentration to read too much, I dose off. I whip out the net-book and my patience is at an all time low for technology. A net book is a perfect metaphor for my foggy brain. It operates sloooowly from lack of use. I think about my schedule often. Where the boys are supposed to be, where am I supposed to be?

Always the “why” follows me, I am not sure why I can’t get a handle on juggling life and cancer. I always try to return to the present moment, this is the only place I have in common with everyone else. While I am here I “drink water and breathe”, I am not here often enough. Chemo has taken me out of my body and put me somewhere in the periphery of my own existence. Reading that sentence sounds incredibly strange but I think that sums it up.

This post is almost “live from chemo”, they don’t have wireless there so I am home finishing it up. So far I feel a bit flashy, but the fog in my head seems to be clearing.

The greatest news of all is that I have completed 7 treatments I have only 3 more to go!!!!! I am thinking of raffling off my last 3 spots so if any one is interested, and wants to get in on the action just let me know.

Goodnight to all….. drink water and breathe

Chemo log 12 one hair at a time

Yes I have 6 treatments under my belt with 4 more remaining. My last dose of carbo/taxol put me on the downhill slide of my scheduled chemo treatments. The last treatment was on September 2nd. The treatment was kind of uneventful. I drove myself and Jen came out with sandwiches around noon and hung out for awhile.

With out my posse captivating me, I spent the better part of the morning chatting with other patients. Really kind of touching to connect with others that have this disease. Kind of tough, the longer I do the cancer dance the more I see how many lives are affected by this horrible disease. It feels like an epidemic. I can't read the newspaper, watch TV, or just talk to someone with out the Big C word (I mean cancer:) coming up.

I have a friend close to me who was diagnosed with breast cancer in August, she is 38. She underwent a bi-lateral mastectomy on September 10th. The only thing that comes to my mind is WTF!!!!! She is surrounded by love, and is doing very well after surgery. It feels like a dream to me that we are both facing this disease at the same time in our lives. Chemotherapy will start for her towards the end of the month. It seems like a life time ago when I was at this point in my cancer fight.

On the soccer field on Saturday I met the mother of a friend and she is a breast cancer survivor. She has recently finished 3 years worth of treatments and reconstruction. I wanted to rejoice for this woman. I was so happy that she was at this point in her battle and doing so well.

In the oncologists office, I run into a friend and she is with another woman that is at the beginning of her cancer treatment. We talk about Dr. Vu, port placement and general office gossip. I don't even know what kind of cancer she has. I know that she has been very sick and will start treatment soon.

Another friend had her final breast implants put in this last weekend (hip,hip, hooray). This however is not the end of treatment for her as her breast cancer is metastatic. She is starting a new journey into the world of 2nd opinions to see if there are better treatment options for her and her family.

There is another mother at my son's pre-school who is a breast cancer survivor also. I haven't spoke with her at length. I know that she has completed some treatment, surgery and reconstruction. Her hair is pretty short and things seem very recent for her.

I guess cancer is wearing me down. I feel like it is stripping me down one hair at a time. Loosing my eyebrows is starting to change my face. Losing my eyelashes is allowing dirt and dust to get in my eyes. Losing my nose hairs (not so bad visually) is allowing me to inhale all sorts of irritants. The weekend after treatment I had pretty severe bone pain. This pain was not attributed to the nuelasta shot as I did not receive it this last time. I am stiff and tired most of the time. All my ranting reminds me of a quote I read in a Pema Chodron book "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us." This is not the 1st time in my life that this quote has brought me peace. There is so much learning and loving that comes hand in hand with this disease. Though I am surrounded by love the majority of this journey is a solitary one.

Thank you for being here with me, drink water and breathe...............

Chemo log 11 my first dose of carbo/ taxol

The week of August 9th was packed full of events. Corbin started 1st grade, Mason started his new pre-school and I started my next round of chemo with my very 1st dose of carboplaten and taxol. It is completely appropriate that the first week of school have all this chaos. Life is busy and I am thankful for every moment. Here are my two beautiful boys on their 1st day of school.


Part of me loves to get back to the routine. I love to see the boys learning and growing. School is that place where my boys start building their own lives and I am enjoying watching their minds just take it all in. I however am not a fan of the morning rush to get us all to our destinations in a timely manner. I probably say "quick, quick" a million times every morning. My schedule is pretty tight from the moment I leave the house until we return around 3:00. The good news is it leaves us plenty of time in the afternoons and evenings for homework, dinner and even a little fun.



My first dose of carbo/taxol was on 9/12. My dear friend Jen went along for all the chemo fun. This new regime was suppose to take 4 hours. I factored for 5 hours just in case something came up. We arrive a little before nine and I am the only one in the whole place for awhile. I let the nurses know that I am on a tight schedule and would they plug me in as quickly as possible. I don't start treatment until 9:30.....I don't have much wiggle room. I remind them again that I really need to be on my way by 2:15 at the latest. It is not only me, but Jen has to be home to get her kids off the bus and we only have one car. I tell myself to breathe as I get hooked up to the pre-meds.



I think I start off with a giant dose of Benadryl. This could either wind me up or make me drowsy. The purpose of this drug is to lower the chances of my body having an allergic reaction to the chemical that the taxol is suspended in. I really love the sound of that, so during the drip drip drip of the Benadryl I start wondering if my body is going to have some freak reaction to the next IV. Nothing like feeling the anxiety build, this 5 hour tour is off to a great start.



The pre-meds go off with out a hitch. Now I get to see if I am going to have a reaction, they start the drip off sloooow, and I mean slow. Seriously Jen and I are watching and there is a good 20 seconds between drips. I of course call a nurse to make sure it is working properly, she reports yes, they speed it up in stages to make sure you don't have a reaction. I am a practical person, and this little bit makes no sense to me. This was like slowly taking my IV up to cruising speed for fear of a reaction. It apparently takes 2 hours for the drip to be advanced to its maximum rate. Great, I am not going to be finished until around 3:15. Time to call in reinforcements to pick-up the boys, and get Jen back to town. Thankfully Kate had a free hour to drive to PV and pick up Jen. They in turn helped with the boys and aunt Dan-Dan stepped in to help too. I love how the chaos just works out and I am so blessed to have the help of some really wonderful people.



Physically the treatment seems fine. I get my nuelasta shot on the way out the door, this is suppose to boost my white blood cells after treatment. I head home around 3:30 my kids are there waiting for me and I am worn out. I never know if it is the chemicals or the emotional toll that is so exhausting. I put something easy together for dinner and I turn in early with the boys. However, this treatment gave me insomnia, though I am completely tuckered out I can not sleep. My mind is zooming with all the toxins in my blood and sleep eludes me until about 2:00 AM.



I rise and shine the next morning and get the kids to school and myself to work. I don't feel that horrible, just dead tired from no sleep and there is a little chemo-fog in my brain. I make it through the day without any serious side effects. Towards late afternoon I start to slow down, by evening I am ready to collapse and the bone pain sets in. That's right my bones hurt, and joints too. This could be a side effect of the chemo or the neulasta. I spend the entire weekend on aleve and advil. The anti-inflammatories barely manages the pain, every step I took was very tender. At least I wasn't throwing up too, so I do have that going for me.



By the following Monday the pain had subsided. My energy levels seemed to be returning quickly. I start to feel pretty good. I have been walking in the evenings with the boys and the exercise helps clear my head. I am at this point with my physical body where I don't know how to read the signs very well. My joints hurt and I wake up stiff everyday. I am not sure if it is from the added activity, or the medicine. Like so many question I probably will never know.



Another side effect of the new chemo is that I am starting to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. The fallout is slow but definitely happening. These two features are way more important then the hair on your scalp. It will be interesting to see what my face is like without them. I can always draw on eyebrows, but I have never been really good at this with my eyebrows as guides. The results could be a little scary. In the end all the hair will come back. I am grateful everyday that my body is coping with all the medicine as well as it is.

Tomorrow I am off to Scottsdale to see Dr. Berardi for the final check on my expanders. We are thankfully up to size and I will not have to be making all these trips to Phoenix every week. I will have to live with these uncomfortable expanders until probably sometime in December when my permanent implants will be put in. Hooray for new boobs, I never thought that Santa would be putting those in my stocking. Jen is going to the Valley with me tomorrow so I will have some company, and we get to go out for a nice lunch.

Thursday 9/2 I am scheduled to receive my 2nd dose of carbo/taxol. It seems like this ride just doesn't slow down. One minute I am at the Dr. for a lump and the next minute I am here, halfway through treatment for cancer. Wild, at this hour it feels kind of like a dream, I have travelled into the unknown for the better part of this year and I am still on that train going full speed. I guess that doesn't make me so different from anyone else. We all move forward into the unknown, all we can do is enjoy today.



I am thankfully up to the present.



Drink water and breathe.....

The pressure grows....to get current

I am full of good intentions. I want to maintain my blog, I want to keep it somewhat current, I want to share so much.....alas I am limited on time. So I am going to summarize a bit............

San Diego was an amazing trip. The boys absolutely loved Legoland, I think the small fortune spent was worth the experience for all of us. My family needed the break, summer in Prescott had been long and hot. This fight with cancer had taken it's toll on all of us and we needed to just step out and have some fun. No therapy is more healing then an ocean breeze and roller coasters. I wonder why I don't escape there more often? The drive is pretty easy and the city offers so many different things to do.

Our return to Prescott was very hectic. We came home on a Saturday (7/31), my left breast mound had deflated considerably by this time. I realized it was a SITUATION so I called the doctor as soon as we got home. I needed to know what options I was facing because of the leak. My optimistic brain was thinking maybe he could just wave my CHI flattening iron over the mound to seal the leak until I was ready for my permanent implants. No way, no quick fix for me I was going to have to have the implant removed and replaced during an outpatient procedure. All I can think is are you kidding me (with maybe a few expletives thrown in). I of course need to see him first thing Monday morning so that he can confirm it is leaking. So I drive to Phoenix with the boys, they really wanted to get back in the car so soon after San Diego. Dr. Berardi of course confirms the leak and schedules outpatient surgery for the next day, efficiency is an irritating blessing.

I rush back to Prescott because I need to meet the director at Mason's new pre-school that afternoon. School is starting the following week and there are last minute details to attend to. Then we rush over to Aunt Dan-Dan's new apartment and try to help out with the move in any way we can. This means I get to hang all the clothes in the closet, no heavy lifting for me (cancer does have some perks). The boys mean while play underfoot of all the guys lifting furniture up the never ending stairs to her new apartment. We are a very handy family so if anyone needs help moving do be sure to call. After about an hour of aggravating the happy movers to the brink I head home to wrap my head around yet another out-patient procedure.

I am so blessed to have good friends. On less then 24 hours notice I get my friend Shelly to watch the boys for the day. She is truly an angel as this required me dropping the boys off at 6:45 AM, all you mothers out there know the power behind this gift. My friend Chris offers to drive me down and bring me back, also on a days notice. I tell my mom that I have to extend my vacation a bit and she gets everyone to cover my shifts at the restaurant and I am good to go.

Initially when I found out I was going to have to go through this I was pretty pissed off. Like I really needed one more bump in the road. Then that feeling of acceptance that I have been cultivating came over me. I was 3 weeks out from my last A/C chemo, and I was feeling stronger then I have since my original surgery. If I was going to have to go in for surgery it might as well have been then. I had the week off to recover and deal with any last minute school details, really not such a bad turn of events.

Surgery went off without a hitch. I was out for a couple of hours and woke up to my breast mound being almost back to its normal size. I had a giant ace bandage wrapped around my bust and midsection. When I say giant it must be 20 ft. long by 6 inches wide. Now this detail kind of freaks me out. I can barely bandage myself with this thing while standing. The mental image I get of nurses wrapping this around my naked body all limp from anesthesia is almost more then I can handle. Medicine is a very complex field and the details just make me shiver....

I vomit once in the car ride home, to much gingerale doesn't go well with anesthesia, add the 115 degree weather outside and I didn't have a chance. I think I sleep to Cordes Junction, and by the time I get home I am starting to feel okay. I am a little sore, nothing a few vicodin won't fix. Shelly brings the boys home another saving grace. Let the healing begin.....again.....

I was scheduled to start my next round of chemo drugs on Thursday 8/5 (two days after surgery). That Thursday morning I arrive at the oncologists office, tired but kind of prepared to receive treatment. He informs me that he is going to postpone treatment for another week. This is one of those bits of news that I love/hate. I love that I feel so good and get another week off. I hate that it means yet one more week until I am finished with putting these chemicals into my body. Whatever, there is nothing I can do about it.

What is it I am suppose to say oh yeah....drink water and breathe.....