Giant Tears

I now have insomnia. My neck is stiff or I have a stiff neck. It feels sort of hot and angry kind of like me at this moment. This present attitude reflects my complete and total lack of presence but only for a short piece of time maybe longer if need be. I spoke with my surgeon and the biopsy results conclude that I have METASTATIC BREAST CANCER..... there are no words to describe the tears that are streaming down my face at this precise moment. They flow full of hot uncertainty, and they just flow. These are not little tears they feel like giant tears full of pain, hurt, sadness. They are also filled with so much love for my ordinary simple life. A life once again threatened by this awful disease. A long time ago someone told me that tears wash your soul. I always thought this meant pain and old hurts. I am 37 years old and I have cried my fair share of tears. Tonight they just feel different. The tears just well up in my eyes and then they roll hot and slow down the front of my face and the tears feel so big and so large it is as if a single tear reaches all the way from my eye to where it splashes on my chest. Then it seems like I could not possibly have enough liquid left in my ducts and in that exact second another burning hot tear rolls out ever so gently down my entire face to my chest. It is going to take quite a bit of these tears to wash away the sadness of my heavy heart. So here is hoping these tears stop, if only to allow me to get some more sleep tonight. I am pretty sure tears are not a treatment option if they were I would have this wrapped up in spades.

Tomorrow I put on my game face and meet with a couple of doc's and the cancer journey begins anew. I can't imagine it will be the same as the last time, things never stay the same. I am sure however they have not re-invented the needle since my last stint which means that it is still going to suck.

after a cry like today I need the hydration

drink water and breathe

2012 can we start over????

The New Year has been off to a somewhat crazy start.

I registered for my first mountain biking race. The Whiskey Off Road is twenty five miles (+/-) of grueling road and trail through our lovely Prescott National Forest. Kind of a big step for me as I only got back on my bike around April of last year. I am so thankful for the awesome ladies that I am fortunate enough to ride with. You all are an inspiration and just so much fun!! So here is to training for the race in our playground. We are so blessed to live and ride here.

WARNING THE REST OF THIS POST SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

The year has started off with a cancer scare as well. I found a couple of lymph nodes on my neck swollen. I had a CT scan a few weeks ago, it is so amazing the test confirmed that I had swollen lymph nodes in my neck. I visited my surgeon, Dr. Alan Bornstein and he felt my neck and aggreed that I have swollen lymph nodes. I have swollen lymph nodes and we need to figure out why. Dr. Bornstein is kind of a no nonsense surgeon. He says there is a very small possibility that it could be nothing. Nice to know he always leaves that gap for a small miracle. I believe and pray for miracles, but with 2 cancers under my belt I am kind of a realist. He is not sure what is going on but says, "You will probably JUST need some more chemo." To which I respond with an eye roll, "JUST some more chemo?" Dr. Bornstein profusely apologizes for his wording. For those who have been down the chemo road you may find humor in this little exchange. I have a sense of humor so am not really offended. Dr. B does not lack sensitivity he is just real. He sees medicine scientifically as a tool. He looks at disease by type, progression, and tools to treat it. He does this with minimal fluff, he is on schedule, warm and full of pertinent facts (according to him). He also leads me to feel like he gets me, as if that were relevant, I like to think my care is personalized :).

The only way to tell what I have going on is to have a biopsy. This means my return to the Spa at Thompson Peak for a little out-patient procedure. The procedure is going to be surgery light, a little general anesthesia to make sure I don't move, only 15 minutes or so in the OR. Before surgery it would be nice if I could sqeeze in a PET scan, just to make sure we have the COMPLETE picture. So in addition to working, chasing kids, biking, 2 unplanned Dr.'s appointments, and surgery I now have to work a PET scan into my already full dance card. Being over booked is not fun. There is also quite a bit of pressure associated with a PET scan. YOU WANT TO DO WELL ON THIS TEST. So I follow all the directions, no carbs the day before, no strenuous excercise (I packed in all my yoga and biking the day before). You also have to be super hydrated and you fast. Now mind you I prepared for this test on the Friday after I met with my doctor, they of course could not get the insurance approval in a day so it was tenatively scheduled for the following Monday. So this is my second prep for this test. Monday morning rolls around and I am fasting at least I can have water. The goal behind the radioactive isotopes that are suspended in glucose is that they go to your "hotspots" not your dehydrated organs. You also have to lay very still for an hour while the injection finds your "hotspots", they suggest limited muscle use during this time I guess they don't want your muscles using up this special glucose. So it is pretty much nap time in a dark cozy room, followed by a scan in a BRIGHT tube with your arms over your head for about a half hour. REMEMBER STAY CALM YOU WANT GOOD RESULTS, ANXIETY IS NOT YOUR FRIEND HERE. Needless to say I have not matured much in "the meshes well with medicine" part of my personality. So I was super proud of myself when I passed this test with only having suspicious growth in my lymph nodes. No "hotspots" detected in other parts of my body. What ever I have going on is contained to my lymph nodes, in my neck and clavical. FUCKING FABULOUS........just about sums it up.

So on Wednesday, January 18th, 2012 I had an excisional biopsy at the Spa at Thompson Peak. My surgery was scheduled for 4:00 PM. I was allowed a light breakfast before 8:00 AM followed by an entire day of drinking my own saliva for sustinence, I did this once in a yoga class but that is another story. Doesn't that sound like fun? No water or food until after the procedure. We get to the hospital at 2:00 they check me in. I get taken to the OR around 3:00. Now the fun part starts... pre-op is quiet only a couple of patients...happy hour must not be big here. I of course take this to mean either I will get great care because there is not much going on OR everyone is rushing to get out of here and this is going to really suck. Why I am unable to look at a medical event without personally dramatizing the situation is completely beyond me....I assure you the only thing that may benefit from this is my writing.........living the reality just sucks. I of course make up in my mind that they are RUSHING to get out of here. Enter John the RN with the IV... I gently ask questions like have you done this before? I tell him I hate needles. I have a really hard time with IV's. I try to channel all the calm I can muster. He tells me, "I will feel a poke, don't move, cuss if I need too." So I visualize full plump veins and breathe. Okay the poke...no problem....don't move....got that....MOTHER FUCKER........THE PAIN. Followed by John asking Heather (the other RN) for a little help....my vein collapsed...... words like get the needle a little pressure did I say pain.......I could not even look. My ears are ringing sweat is pouring down my back I could really use a glass of water and the only way to a drink is getting a damn needle in my arm....just great. In order for the show to start I HAVE to get an IV. This is the worst part. Lucky for me we are going into surgery light.....we can use the little tiny IV for the next try......Why didn't we use it in the 1st place? I will never know...it is almost like I am being sent some cosmic message from the hospital universe....this will always be crazy for you....message received it is. So Heather gives it a go and manages with the baby IV. I meet the anesthesiologist, how do you do, I will take great care of you. Dr. Bornstein arrives makes a pen mark on my neck gives me the low down. Saw my pet scan yah, dah, yah, dah, yah, dah...follow up with your oncologist yah, dah, yah, dah, yah, dah. I will call you with the PATHOLOGY Friday or Monday. I wake up an hour later with a stiffer neck and some instructions for after care about when to shower and not, how to take pain pills, ect. ect. ect.

There are no easy ways to swallow the fact that I am headed down yet another road of medical uncertainty. I am frustrated and angry. I have no answers yet.

When I do
I will share them with you

Drink Water and Breathe

"Love Tears"

I kind of needed to share a story about my son Mason. Tonight I was putting my sweet son to bed and we were just talking. Somehow the conversation got on to how he did not want to become a grown up. I re-assured him that he would grow into a fine man one day that was loving, strong, caring and kind. He would be surrounded by friends and family, maybe meet the girl of his dreams and get married. He said, "Mom will you be at my wedding?". I said, "Of course son I would not miss it for the world." Then my sweet son's eyes started to tear up. I asked him why he was crying and he said, " Mom they are just watering." I told Mason they were "love tears" not the kind you cry when you are horribly sad, angry or hurt but the kind of tears that flow when you think of perfect love. My sweet young son and I had an amazing moment where we just shared "love tears". I am so blessed to be a mother to my amazing boys and am grateful for each day that I spend with them.

So on a maintenance note. I had my one year check up with Dr. Vu in December. According to blood work and physical exams I am NED (no evidence of disease). This is fantastic news. It does not however negate the fact that CANCER is a GIANT MONKEY ON MY BACK. I think the worry ebbs and flows. This will be something I have to deal with forever. Before cancer the story of "love tears" would mean something different for me. I would have taken for granted my presence at my son's wedding. The thought of my own mortality now plays into my processing of future events. I realize that I need to live in the NOW. Not one of us has a guarantee for tomorrow. I try to face each day with gratitude.

Cancer is a wicked club. I don't know if I shared that my half-sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year. Her journey began shortly after I finished treatment. I believe I was still having reconstruction surgery when she was having her surgery to remove her cancer in April. We went under the knife within days of each other, in separate states. After my surgery I began to heal for the 1st time since my surgery in April 2010. No more chemo, no more operations for me. While my sister Arlene began her 1st cycle of chemotherapy. She was amazing through treatment and finished in October of last year. Arlene's doctor released her from care and allowed for her to return to Japan where her husband was stationed with the Navy. Last month my sister was having stomach pain and they think that her cancer has returned. She was flown back to the states today to meet with her oncologist. My heart breaks at the thought of her going through chemo again, I pray for her children, her husband, and our family. Cancer does not have any rhyme or reason. Arlene is not BRACA positive. I don't know if I am. I was never tested. I don't know if our cancer is genetically linked. In the end it doesn't even matter (I don't know how Linkin Park got in here). Cancer just sucks. Pray for my sister.

Take some time, count your blessings, shed some love tears,

drink water and breathe

Long hot summer

I have been meaning to sit down and play a little catch up. I have not known where to start. No news is good news in the blog front. The cancer update is good thus far. In June I had a six month check-up with my oncologist and all tests seem to be good so far. I have a nine month check-up in September.

My health seems to be improving steadily. I have been exercising more and more. It seems nearly impossible to lose the weight I put on during chemotherapy. Honestly I have not been able to get a handle on my eating, working in the restaurant and being surrounded by great food doesn't help much. I am sure my hysterectomy has some hormonal responsibility in the weight loss equation. I am not giving to much power to this situation as one cancer lesson that I have picked up on the way is to give myself a little grace. These things will come in time.

Cancer is still a monkey on my back. Though cancer free thus far I still find myself looking over my shoulder a bit. Every nerve spasm, cough, sore throat, pimple, any strange physical ailment sends my mind to the C zone. Usually for a second and I move on. I am pretty sure I am having some wicked hot flashes, or I have ZERO tolerance for the heat. I have given up wearing eye make-up for the summer, mascara running down my face is not a pretty sight. Then of course there is the chemo-brain. Sometimes I find it hard to put my thought in order. I have a lot to say I just can't find the words. It is really frustrating to remember someones name 2 hours after you spoke with them. I am thankful the information is there, just having a hard time accessing it on demand.

Next month I will enter into the final stage of reconstruction. I will have my nipples tattooed. That is right flesh colored tattooing for my nipple and areola. This will be my 1st time being inked....they say once you get one it becomes sort of an addiction. If you would like to reserve some space on my virgin canvas please impress me now :)

I have found a new love this summer. This love has been a integral part of my healing, and self discovery. This love has connected me to numerous new wonderful people. My new relationship has deepened my connection to old friends and to this magical place I call home. This love is not a person it is my Haro mountain bike. I do however now expect all this and more from my next romantic encounter as well. Mountain biking has been so much fun I am certain I don't have the ability to put it into words. It has been so much hard work, I have taken some crazy falls. Every time I get off my bike after a ride I am blissed out over what I have accomplished. Biking forces you to be present. I am privileged to have some amazing lady riders in my life who encourage me along the way. The pure joy of riding through the forest on a single trek simply stated makes you feel like a kid again. The wind rushing through your hair, the speed, the camaraderie, the challenge. In the beginning I would walk a lot. I am getting stronger and my skills are improving. My body is SLOWLY recovering from all that it has been through, my soul and spirit are on the fast track :) My bike has already taken me to some amazing places, mentally and physically I look forward to all the places we will go.

Insomnia is frustrating but sometimes can lead to some midnight blogging which feels good, and reminds me to drink water and breathe................

Love to Your Mother

They are an extraordinary breed. We can all celebrate this day by giving a big thank you to our mom's. The pains of labor are only known by her, the amount of work it takes to bring a human being into this world is enough of a reason to say thank you . Then try to keep that little being alive when the only way they can communicate is crying or the ever effective screaming. For those uninitiated this is a "TALL"order, and there are no take backs. Slowly Mom figures out the ins and outs of what it means to be you. You grow, she grows becoming a personal library of what it means to be your mom. Adaptation and survival are two words not listed in "What to expect when you are expecting". There is no "REAL" guide book, Mom is left to sort out the details on her own. Just when Mom figures out what it takes to keep you happy and grooving in life, it is time to start letting go. This process seems to last a life time. Motherhood is a game of ebb and flow, that takes place on the field of unconditional love. The good thing about this is there is not a score card in love. Motherhood is a road riddled with potholes, smooth downhills, long climbs, pretty much everything life has to offer can be reflected in this one relationship. Complicated? You bet! Only a mother can make sense out this.

I would like to give a special shout out to all the mother's that I have raised my children with. My own journey of motherhood brought into my life a long list of amazing women who I am proud to call friends. Together we celebrate the joys and pains of motherhood. We do it with grace (sometimes), love, humility, frustration (often), laughter, and style (always):)) Thank you to all these special women who have helped me become the mom I am today.

Of course this is a special weekend that I will be spending with my boys, Corbin and Mason. I have learned so much just being their Mom. I was showered with special crafts made by them in school. Tomorrow I will go on a Mother's Day bike ride to celebrate my own momness.

Today the boys and I will be going out to my Mom's house to give her a special Mother's day gift. We will be stacking her firewood, 3 cords I believe. Only my Mom would strategically order firewood in conjunction with Mother's Day. Sadly only my brother would understand how unique and calculated our own mother is. The good news is stacking firewood is cheaper then flowers unless of course you count the blisters.

So whether it is firewood,or flowers take some time to give it up to your Mother and all the other Mom's you know. They are special, unique and deserving of all the love in the world.

Drink water and breathe......here's to all the momma's.

FRANKEN-NIPPLES

I would post a picture, but I am still adjusting to them myself. On April Fool's Day I went in for the last of my scheduled out-patient surgeries. I had truly debated on the need for nipples. Had I been 90% happy with the results of the reconstruction up until this point I might have skipped the nips all together. Dr. Berardi being the perfectionist that he is wanted to revise one incision and do a little FAT grafting, which of course would involve some liposuction. I figured the revisions were necessary to get my bust line in to tip-top shape so I opted to have the nipples done while I was under.

The week prior to surgery is busy as usual. Non-stop work, kids, school, and life nothing out of the ordinary. My friend Jen is my surgery chaperon, she has gotten quite good at it. It seems as if "California Girls" by Katy Perry is our boob run theme song. I don't know why, I am not thrilled with this as a theme song but it is ALWAYS playing when we do our little Scottsdale trips. We leave P-town around 6:00 AM in order to check in by 8:00. Surgery is scheduled for 10:00 AM. Just past Sunset Point there is a semi-trailer hauling cattle turned over on it's side. We don't see any cattle but the guardrail and posts are decimated. A single lane of traffic was open at this point so we cruised on down the mountain.

I arrive early and they take me in to pre-op quickly. Sandy is my pre-op nurse, this is the 2nd time she has administered my IV. Sandy makes my veins disappear, they just don't like her. So she numbs me and tries to find a vein on my wrist, to no avail it retreats. As you all know I have a short window for these things and she was about 30 seconds past my personal threshold.

Sandy kind of talks like a granny from the south, I think she said "Shucks I will have to try 'nother..." I was about ready to come screaming out of that pre-op room. Just as she pulls out the failed attempt that is still stuck in my arm, she manages to somehow pull off a cap to the saline bag and sprays saline all over me, my pillow and the hospital bed. Now at this point my fight or flight response is saying "get the F out of here". Nurse Sandy gets me dry linens and we try again. I am sure she is going to screw it up again, but I breathe through the next jabbing and miraculously she finds a vein. Did I mention I couldn't drink water, nothing after mid-night on surgery days. I have been waiting for my saline hydration since I got up that morning. Finally I am connected and she has the drip on high which turns my arm into an icicle.....but I am hydrating. Now Sandy will finally go away, I want to wait in peace. Please go get Jen. The IV is the worse part, now Jen and I just wait for my cocktail. The wait is a little long. Jen is cracking jokes about being a fat donor for my procedure. My pre-op neighbor thinks it is funny and pulls back the curtain to tell us ALL about her procedure. She volunteers to be a fat donor too. No matter where we go we are always making friends. Dr. Berardi doesn't show up until 10:20, he quick whips out his marker and goes to work on my body. In about 2 and 1/2 minutes he decides where my new nips are going to be along with where he is going to graft my fat. Dr. Thuley(anesthesiologist) comes in and quick puts 2 syringes of something into my drip and it is lights out, I think I said goodbye to Jen. After surgery I am much better then the last time. I don't puke until I see Jen and they move me out of the hospital bed to the recliner. The good news is I only puke once. I am very groggy though and have an ace bandage over my shoulder and an abdomen brace of some kind. My lip hurts like I bit it, what exactly happened to me in there? The nurses quickly pour me into my car and Jen runs me up the mountain. I sleep to the top of Black Canyon City. Traffic on the southbound lane of I-17 is backed up from Sunset Point to Cordes Junction. Apparently they closed the highway shortly after we went through in the morning for 8 hours. So I guess my timing is getting better. I try to sleep off the surgery most of the weekend. I don't even sneak a peak at my new nipples. There is so much gauze, tape, foam donuts and ace wrap. I am afraid I might harm my new appendages. So for once I take the Dr.'s advice and sponge bath only until I saw him today. The fat grafting seems successful the indentation from my mastectomy has been filled up. Dr. Berardi slowly takes off my ace bandage. Underneath are these foam donuts taped over my new nipples. Dr. B not so gently takes off the tape and reveals my thimble sized nipples with black suture strings sticking out everywhere, TOTALLY FRANKENSTEIN!!!! Placement is good, I knew that they would be big and then shrink down. I was totally fine with the exam until Dr. B had to poke one of them with a needle to make sure it had proper blood flow. Then my ears start to ring and I have to lay back before I pass out. I may never out grow my phobia of needles. Hopefully I will be spending less time around them. So the down low on the whole surgery is that due to the liposuction it was a little more invasive then the prior surgeries. I will have to keep my chest wrapped, without smashing my new nipples. I will also need to wear abdomen support to prevent any swelling from the liposuction. He didn't even take enough belly fat to notice and it is oh so tender. Again I am on the road to healing.... Drink water and breathe.......

Where have I been???

Hooray I have hair !

Okay I have not posted since January 31st what in the world has been going on with me?

That is a very good question. February ended up being a rather long month, even though it is the shortest month of the year.

The boys and I spent the ENTIRE 2nd week of February home sick. That is right no school, no work, we all just sat around the apartment trying to get well. Whatever strand of virus that we had just seemed to cling on forever.

I followed that week with a couple of days in divorce court. My days of being a married woman are numbered. Those couple of days were the most costly financially and emotionally, of my life. Watching Steve sit on the stand and lie made me crazy. I have a legal pad full of scribbles, it was like I was fighting with my demons and scratching them out on a note pad. The low-lights of my 27 month union are aired before a wonderful woman judge. Who will ultimately judge what my stake in our life was after hearing both of our "stories". This forum is not my cup of tea. I like to refer myself as a "forgetful optimist". I have had so many BAD stories with Steve if I held on to all of them I could possible lose myself in something akin to a black hole. Now don't think for a moment that I am so evolved that I couldn't tell you 100 rotten stories about Steve. I could it is just not good for me my big job is to let those go. Needless to say I felt everything in court was kind of ridiculous. His vicious attorney was questioning me about my surgeries and treatment? How much time did I actually spend at Dr.s appointments? Why I made so little money last year and why didn't I apply for a full time job at someplace like Jack in the Box. Somehow this has to do with Steve's defense. I think I finally realized he will never have one. The whole time I am trying to figure out how and why our country has divorce set up like this. How does a system that is suppose to arrive at justice revolve around such cruelty and lack of humanity? It beats the hell out of me. The worse part about all of this is at the end of the day and all the testimony the judge rules that both parties will submit closing arguments by March 11th and she will decide shortly after that. For those of you as confused as I was that means I was told I had to wait another month for her to rule on our case.



Is this a cruel joke? NO! Another lesson in life to hurry up and wait.



My favorite divorce quote is "Divorce is like getting hit by a bus, every day for two years" Elizabeth Gilbert.



Steve was served on March 31, 2009. It has almost been 2 years exactly, I have said before that I have uncanny timing :) That means my daily impacts are coming to an end.



The good news is that I am almost there. I believe the next chapter of my life has amazing things in store for me and I am excited to close the pages on these last few years. Though I gained a lot of wisdom, the journey has been long.

So on the cancer front I have been having monthly blood tests. I will have my 3 month check-up with Dr. Vu next week. I am scheduled for NIPPLE RECONSTRUCTION ( I wish knew how to add sound effects to my blog as this would be an appropriate spot) April 1st. Another outpatient procedure with general anesthesia. I almost opted for NO nipples. That way I wouldn't have to worry about them poking out and such. I also had such a horrible time waking up at the last surgery. However, there is some touch up work that I think is necessary for the long term look of my implants. While I am having that done I might as well have the nipples done to. Dr. Berardi is also going to be moving some fat to fill in my mastectomy indention. Another fun filled day in Scottsdale.



The first week of March found the boys and I sick AGAIN! This is getting to be ridiculous, only this time it is strep throat. Kind of good because it can be treated with antibiotics, kind of bad because it sucks to be sick so much in just a couple of months. It does however feel good to be sick like everyone else, instead of sick with cancer.

Next week is spring break and I am starting to feel that spring tingle in the air. Growth and change are blowing on the wind. I look forward to this new season and hope that it is full of love, healing, health and promise for everyone.



Drink water and breathe.............