Drink Water and Breathe

kinks with the donate button

2012-03-08T20:20:00.002-08:00

Long ago I admitted to being a ludite, or I may have been called one by my brother. There was a kink with my original donate button, and it has since been worked out. If you tried to donate and were not successful, it was due to problems on my end. I do believe those problems have been worked out.

With love and compassion,

Drink water and breathe

Back to being me.....

2012-03-06T18:08:00.003-08:00

After nine of the longest days of my life I started to feel like myself. It is about damn time. Let me see where did I leave off....

Oh yeah day two of chemo, Jen is signed up to be my DD. I wake up exhausted...late night blogging, steroids, chemo, the emotion everything involved with day one left me feeling like my body was a war zone and it was not pretty. So I make my smoothie, get my supplements and we hit the road. After the completely crippling effects of day one I have no idea, how I got out of bed, and decided to return to Sedona for day 2. I just do, I can not explain it but I just go.

We show up a few minutes late......that's okay because I am not really in a hurry today. We explain to the Dr. my horrible day and night so she switches up the meds a bit. Then I proceed to doze off and on for the rest of the day. I read a few magazines. Jen heads out to get lunch. I nap a little. We eat lunch. We chat some more, I nap some more and before you know it day 2 is pretty much over.

The change up in drugs seems to work I am groggy as hell but I am not puking...three cheers for the pharmaceutical company.....rah rah rah. We decide coffee is in order for the ride home. So Jen and I head into Sedona, we come across a cute little coffee shop near the post office. We grab our lattes to go and stroll around. After chemo the simple, normal things feel priceless. So we wander into a hip little boutique and peruse the sale rack. They happen to be doing card tarot card readings in the back room so I sign up for one. When you are in the vortex it seems like the right thing to do. Sadly I have chemo brain and don't remember all the details. I believe I pulled 4 man of world cards (There apparently are only 4) one related to feelings and how I must allow myself to feel everything, another had to do with masks...I would be changing them often...I needed to always remember which one was the real me....one had to do with organization and accomplishing any task...another for some kind of transition....then the universe card...another big change...and for the life of me I don't remember the last card. I wish I had taken a picture of them.....It was kind of fun, it surely beats puking my brains out and I needed a little encouragement from the other side :)

So Jen and I head home, I think we go over the mountain. I am not even sure the drugs kind of just created a blank spot in my brain. We get home around 4:00, Steve drops the boys off sometime later. I really don't have much recollection of that night at all. I think Amy came down to help with the boys and we all pretty much turned in. I can't believe how vague this day is in my memory. Maybe it is like childbirth....if you don't remember the details it will hurt less when you revisit that space.

The 3 days following chemo I return to work. The Wednesday following I wake up slow and plod through my day....it is like my brain has been turned into soup and every simple thing requires all my concentration. I had no appetite and a splitting headache. Thursday was pretty much the same only in addition to the other side effects I also had puffy eyes, always a nice touch when you work with the public...no I have not been crying all day even though I look like I have been. Friday, I almost called in....but my weekend was around the corner....I made it through with a little nap on the booth. I could not shake the extreme fatigue, it was never ending. The boys were scheduled to be with there Dad for the weekend. So I rented a ton of movies to prepare myself for some extreme couch surfing. The headache is what really wears me down....fall asleep with one and wake up with one just sucks. That headache was accompanied by low level nausea...the kind that says you might need to puke. This combination prevents me from drinking my smoothie or taking my supplements (I manage about half of them). I just listen to my body and ride it out. I manage to squeeze in some gentle yoga on Saturday in hopes of centering my body and mind. It feels good but the headache persists. I spend the remainder of the day on the couch.

On Saturday (2/25) I was an emotional mess. The weepies returned I did not want to be sick, and home on the couch. Thankfully Kate popped over at the right time, I cried some more. Apparently it is more effective when you cry with someone, or at least that particular cry doesn't get stored inside but is set free. Somehow shared tears lighten the load a bit. So we run out for some more movies and a little Chipolte and it is back to the couch for ...ready....set....heal..........
Sadly it doesn't quite happen that way but a little company goes a long way. Amy pops in later to watch movies with me and I doze in and out of my films.

So I forgot to mention a totally amazing part of the longest week ever. My support system has been working overtime. Layla comes and refills my water bottles for me. Melanie and Leslie come to my house on Friday while I am at work and do all my laundry and clean my apartment. I come home Friday to a clean apartment, laundry done, healthy food in the refrigerator, and flowers on my table I am so blessed. The extra help allows me to come home and rest in complete peace, no mommy guilt of chores not being done.

The next amazing part of the longest week ever is a healing meditation that I organized for Sunday. I am working with a woman that practices Chinese medicine. I had a session with her early in the day, it is a combination of chi gong and acupuncture and some other things that I just don't have the language quite yet to explain. Then we had a group energy ceremony with some of my close friends, in a guided practice we gathered "chi" and showered it on me. All I can say at this point is that love and intention are very powerful things and by Sunday afternoon, I felt like I was on the mend. I went home after my session and really rested.

Monday and Tuesday I felt stronger and stronger. By Wednesday of last week I was ready to get out on my bike for the 1st time in 3 weeks. Oddly I felt just like me it was like a switch had been flipped and I was back to normal. I am tired in the evenings....I am a single mom....that is the norm.......We had our last weekend of YMCA Basketball for the boys. That of course means party at Peter Piper, which of course can wear down the heartiest of parents. Corbin has another cold/cough so we were at the doctor yet again. The good news is his cast has only a few more weeks. Life has a magical way of pressing on.

I managed to squeeze in a ride over the weekend as well. I am honored to have such an amazing riding community. For those that don't know my friend Tina, with the help of others has designed a ladies riding jersey, with all profits from the sales going to help my family during this time. If you come to P-town for the Whisky Off Road you will see a bunch of amazing women sporting these jerseys, or maybe you will just see them out on the trail. I am humbled daily by the immense out pouring of love that is showered on me and my family.

So I am focusing on honoring the healthy parts of my body, and healing the other parts.

I have chemo again on March 12th and 13th.......not quite the ski trip I had planned for spring break, but it will do.

I am filled with so much gratitude for all the people that are sharing this journey with me.

Drink water and breathe.....

Vulnerability...........

2012-02-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

What exactly does that mean and when do you arrive?
For some it the act of riding, not driving, that makes one vulnerable......
A needle into my brand new powerport makes me vulnerable........
Starting chemo for the second time makes me vulnerable......
Asking someone to hold my hand makes me vulnerable..........
Someone showing up to hold my hand makes me vulnerable.........
Receiving love and the gifts the universe showers down on me makes me vulnerable.......
Crying with my children makes me vulnerable........
Vomiting makes me vulnerable..........and doing it for hours on a car ride home well there are know words or tears available to quite explain that journey.
Needing someone to help with the boys makes me vulnerable.....
Coming home to dinner and filled prescriptions makes me vulnerable...
People showing up to be HERE for my family makes me vulnerable........
Being given the most amazing piece of furniture for my healing altar makes me vulnerable........

I could go on forever.......

Then there is this magic pill that I believe is called Zofran which eased the side effects of my chemo at about 6:45 approximately 2-5 minutes before the boys came home. The universe must know that I must be a little less vulnerable and raw with the boy........I am sure they can take it........but I am a mom. So I sit down and have some soup and try to piece together there super fun exhausting day with friends. Vulnerability has left me with this soft place in my heart that sees every moment as so precious. I am sad to see them go to their dad's, I am blessed that they can. All I want to do is hold them and explain that the future holds unlimited possibilities for each and every one of us. Somewhere in all this vulnerability resides peace and love.

Needless to say chemo started off smooth. I spontaneously cried as they accessed my port, not from the pain, but it is kind of like a port of entry. Not like losing your virginity, but a crossroad of probably more magnitude in so many ways. This is a beginning of a new phase of healing in my life. Cancer treatment is a small part, I am creating through my vast network of love and support........a mind, body, nutrition program to make possible my complete healing. Thankfully this is a long project and I look forward to each day being better then the last. That means that blogging may go on forever.

So back to the facts. I get super hydrated first. Giant bag of saline with a diuretic in it. The goal is hydrate and pee. Dani steps out and brings back a yummy lunch from the New Frontiers Deli. We eat and play cribbage to pass the time (score me 3; dani 1) Cisplatin my first chemo of 2012 likes to camp in the bladder and do more destruction then good to to ward off this side effect they encourage me to "drink tons and pee" (the first title of my blog:). I get a little "creeped" out by the chemo but roll with it pretty well. The second treatment is etoposide and it is drained and gone before I know it. Near the end I just start to get anxious and my sense of smell kicks into hyper drive. The thought of the heprin and saline flush makes me want to vomit.

The nurse kindly draws saline out of a big bag, this removes the preservatives that I can taste when they flush my port. The saline prevented me from having "another" incident at the oncologists office. My near fainting spell the week before along with my chatty nature is already putting me on the radar with my new office. Brenda the plebotomist who drew my blood last week was all to ready to pass me on to the nurse for my new labs once she heard I had a port. Puking in the office, well that is just a little to intimate for a first chemo date. So once I am unplugged we beat feet out of there. Now mind you it is 4:00 PM and we had been there since 8:45..........it was more then time to go. We grab a puke bag for the road, it is kind of like self-fulfilling prophecy at this point, some would call it foreshadowing, I took it as a bad omen. I had no idea what Dani and I were about to endure.

I am sure the fresh air will make me better. I sit on a bench while Dani pulls the car around. I breathe, slowly, deliberately and with purpose. We drive 2 miles down the road and I say "DANI YOU HAVE TO PULL OVER" and I precede to puke on HWY 189(could be wrong) between Sedona and Cottonwood, anyone who know Northern AZ realizes this is a busy road, it is not the autoban but it could be it's redneck cousin. So to the din of non-stop traffic I puke, Dani rolls the car forward in 10 foot intervals so I could have clean spots to puke. Somehow the medicine made my nose into a superhuman sniffer......I could smell the exhaust fumes, the bile in my stomach, the chemo on my tongue (totally crazy), the odor of the salads we had for lunch. Vomiting would be number 2 on my list of medical shit I just can't stand. Then I get flashy I am burning up then I have the chills. I get in the car we drive a few more miles and do it all over again. This side effect sprang out of nowhere and lasted until HWY 169 (Cherry Rd.) It was approximately 2 steady hours of this nausea and chills. I took a pill before I left the office, sadly I left it at the 1st puke station. Had I know then how much I needed it I might have gone through my own vomit to find it. So I go from exhausted with my eyes closed just focusing on my breathing, hot and cold intermittently to puking on the side of the road. The fucked up part about this whole situation is that I AM UNABLE TO DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT. I have to ride it out and see what is on the other side. Do you know what encourages you to vomit more? The thought of doing it all over again the next day. Well guess what that is where vulnerability came into play. I cried and puked on the side of some highway today, I was in no state to provide myself with what I needed. I did not have to, my body was doing exactly what it needed to be doing, my friend Dani Baker was doing what she needed to be doing to support my body and me well I was just along for the ride. Dr. Lindquist ordered me suppositories to help with nausea. After a ride like that I would stick many things up my ass if it meant I would stop puking!

I was thankful for the reprieve given to my body from the Zofron. I look forward to my next treatment tomorrow as it is another day closer to healing. I sort of feel back to normal with fatigue and a slight buzzing under the surface. The buzzing could be from the chemo or the royal jelly I am taking........ I may never know but it is always nice to have a mystery.

If you wonder why I am blogging late after a day like today, well I am sure it has to do with the steroid high that I am on.

Embrace your vulnerability......

Drink water and breathe

Life presses on

2012-02-15T21:17:00.001-08:00

How do I express the chaos? I wake up, feed the boys, make a smoothie, dress myself, dress the boys, drop them at school, drive to chino, work, leave, pick up boys, go to scheduled sports/or not, home, home work, dinner, shower, bed. What is missing from that rant? fun, exercise, meditation, yoga, reading, blogging, cleaning, dating, BIKING. Then of course there is that new category that must be addressed....the CANCER time...it supersedes other parts of the list because it is IMPORTANT. Then of course there is the other unexpected life stuff that is not on the list it kind of comes out of the blue.........something like Corbin breaking his arm at the skatepark.

That is correct Corbin in an attempt to master a "nose manual" on his scooter, managed to fall in such a way that he broke his radius and ulna. Now this is not my first child with broken bones as Mason fractured his wrist in August last year. Mason's break was a little more severe, but I was not "blogging" much then so the pseudo real time details are not available. So Sunday 2/12 I get a call from Steve saying I think Corbin broke his arm we are heading to the ER. Really??? I had spent all Friday afternoon at our lovely YRMC. Is it really necessary for me to spend a Sunday there on the same week? I show up and Corbin is in a wheel chair and he has worked himself up into a frenzy. Corbin loves Dr.'s and medical stuff just like I do. He has a pretty big knot on his arm and in quite a bit of pain. Mind you he broke it and Steve probably had him at the ER 20 minutes later...it might have been less. So poor Corbin is crying with Mason chiming in occasionally "I broke my are worse then that", apparently brothers don't let up when the injuries don't seem to be too severe. Corbin is so upset he won't let the nurse take his temperature orally. He can be a bit dramatic, so she puts it under his arm......totally breaking the rules, but it's not like he has the flu. Then he gets wheeled into the back and we wait. A tech comes from radiology and takes him back for an x-ray. He can barely move his arm for the x-ray, he whimpers through the entire thing. We are back in the room and we wait for the Dr. to read the results. It is broken, but it does not need to be "re-set". This means all they do is splint it up and refer you to an orthopedic specialist for a hard cast later in the week. Super fun way to spend a Sunday.

Great! at the time I get this news I figure what else do I need to do this week? Oh yeah schedule my first chemo, get a cast on Corbin, and the regular crap I do every day. The question is how much can you pile on a plate? How far do you bend the branch? How many needles break the camels back (that one may not make sense)? The answer is "IT WILL TAKE MORE THEN THIS".

I found out on Monday that Corbin's appointment would be Thursday. I was hoping (sort of) to start chemo on Thursday. Then I spoke with my oncologist and I asked her if it would be okay to start on Monday 2/20. I don't want to hurt my chemo odds by waiting to long, but really what is 4 more days at this point? I think it is 4 more smoothies and supplements to support my body and maybe I will be able to squeeze in a bike ride before the chemo show begins. I also need to have Corbin in a hard cast. So I breathe and let it all fall into place. Dr. Lindquist recommends a chemo that might need some extra approval Monday is going to be a good start. Kate is on board to take me for day 1 and Jen is on board for day 2 and slowly it is all coming into focus.

I will start chemo on Monday 2/20. My regiment will be a combination of etoposide and sysplatin given on day 1 and 2 of a 21 day cycle. In English that means I will be tapped in for approx 5 hours on Monday and Tuesday of the 1st week, with week 2 and 3 off. Then we will repeat the cycle 4 times. We will monitor how my cancer responds at that point and go from there. This regiment seems pretty manageable. I may need a neulasta shot on Wednesday's following treatment to boost my immune system but I will be able to have that administered in P.V.

So that IS IT after searching far and wide for the right Doc's and the drugs that I think are best for me this is where I have arrived. I don't know what the side effects will be. Probably much like my last treatment. Although all the natural herb and supplements will better support my body through this journey. I am sure I will know by next week.

Today is kind of a bitter sweet day, I received the confirmation for my Whiskey Off Road Race entry. I was able to squeeze in a quick hike at the Butte today but am not able to ride until my port heals up. I don't know if my body will be able to ride the race at the end of April..........I guess there is so much that is undetermined, and I can't get over how quickly things can change. Tomorrow I go for some kind of heart test to ensure that it has not been damaged by the prior chemotherapy. I guess that is important before I start treatment again.

I need to keep moving forward, loving, grateful, and blessed with so much goodness surrounding me and my family.

Drink water and breathe................

Sedona success!!!

2012-02-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

Life is always a whirlwind in my world. Cancer just throws more stuff into the mix, some really unpleasant and some really great. For all of us life continues to go on, until it doesn't. So I am a motivated metastatic cancer patient.

The good news is that I have decided on a doctor, Dr. Lindquist was the fit I was looking for she is caring, hopeful, and super smart. She understands the specific nature of MY disease. I met with her on Tuesday 2/7 for approximately half an hour. We talked of clinical trials, she wanted to contact her colleagues to present my case to see what they would suggest prior to a final recommendation. This makes sense to me. Gather as much information as possible, then make a choice. While waiting to here from all the who's who in the breast cancer world it is time to prepare for treatment. Dr. Lindquist orders a port, some heart test, and a TON of blood work.

So Gina, my oh so amazing driver for the day gets to watch me fill like 8 tubes of blood. I start of like a champ thinking this is going be just a few tubes. I talk and talk, and then I watch her keep reaching for tubes and I see how many she has left to go. Then my ears start to ring, my vision gets blurry I am cold and clammy. Brenda the plebotomist calls over a nurse, just in case I faint. The new onc office is kind of crowded, there are 2 women waiting to have their blood drawn watching my drama unfold. It feels like there are people everywhere nothing like making a GREAT first impression. I fill all the tubes, staying conscious the entire time, it takes FOREVER. When I finally return to a normal state, I make my way to Richard the scheduler and I am booked to have a port placed at the YRMC Cath lab in Prescott Friday 2/10. Gina and I leave the appointment much closer to a plan and I feel good about the progress.

Thankfully Jerome is strategically located between here and Sedona. We stop at this little restaurant called Quince for dinner. I had the best Ahi tacos, loaded with pomegranate, mango and jalapenos. Spending the day with Gina was just what the Dr. ordered, it takes a special person to walk by your side on a day like this and G well I just love you. Thanks for being there for me.

For two days I return to work, like a normal person.

Friday is procedure day. I wake up take the boys to school, come home, shower, do some laundry and again drink my saliva until noon. Jen is my chariot driver for phase one, she is also my go to for the boys. The hospital was kind enough to warn me ahead of time that they are often behind schedule. This confuses me, why not just schedule me later? This new cath/lab port placement fills me with a little anxiety. What is light sedation, is it like light beer? I go back for pre-op and wouldn't you know I have a super attractive male nurse. Great that will make me relax. Michael does all the pre-op questions, he thinks I am a nurse because I have got this dance down. Then I let him in on the fact that I don't like needles. A gal comes in and draws my blood for some routine tests. He wisely notices my distress and punts my IV placement to Anita the Needle Ninja. Anita strolls in and she is no nonsense. She has arrived on the scene to place an IV and she does it with absolute calm and authority in her voice. The authoritative tone is what froze me to the bed. Her physique reminded me of Olive Oyl from Popeye and she had this beret on and here lips were stained deep maroon. Anita was not a force to be reckoned with so I laid there prone no whimpering or whining. First a little local, then tube placement in vein, followed by tons of tape to keep tube in place....then the icy saline drip, IV accomplished. Why can't I get used to that? We are on our way. Now for the next part, what the hell are the drugs going to do to me? They decide it is in my best interest if I take a couple of Valiums prior to the procedure. Okay if you insist. Jen gets to visit with me after the IV until they wheel me back.

The joy about having a procedure in your home town is that you run into tons of people you know. Jamie wheels me back and we are all chatting about all kinds of stuff. I remember getting names of the other nurses Regan, Kimberly, Cheryl and of course Dr. McNaughty (McNotten), I named him naughty just so I could remember. So I am totally chatting it up with the nurses, and then there is this gap. Regan tells me I nodded off for about 5 minutes, I wake up to feel Dr. suturing my skin. I could feel the tugging, and I didn't care. I just laid there not to concerned . I think I may have gotten off the operating table and got back into the hospital bed on my own. Then they wheeled me back to post-op. Typing about it today it feels a little faint in my memory, but at the time I felt amazing clear headed. Quite possibly one of the craziest things I have ever experienced medically. My friend Anessa comes to pick me up, we stop and get me a burrito as I was starving. Again I feel totally FINE, and I can't get over it. I am able to walk, I am not really sore. This was way better then my 1st port placement, that was so awful I felt like I was hit by a baseball bat. My theory is that surgeons may be more gentle when you are not under general anesthesia.

I am so much closer to treatment.

There is soooo much more, alas it is way late.

Drink water and breathe

How many long days?????

2012-02-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

Due to the unpleasant and painfully honest nature of my posts I would like to share two extraordinary positive facts about my cancer experience today. I had a very knowledgeable doctor congratulate me on effectively eradicating ovarian cancer from my life. Apparently I am one lucky lady to have "caught" that cancer in time so as not to worry about a relapse. Thank you breast cancer I would never had found that mass on my ovaries if it wasn't for you! The next dose of positive new came in the form of a voice mail when I got home Dr. Boresh's office called and...my brain MRI was all clear.......no grey matter jokes here please as cancer is a very serious business. I am relieved why? In my ordinary mind it feels like less is better. I have all this pain in my neck the last thing I need is a tumor in my brain messing with my cognitive ability. So that is the good news portion of this blog please enjoy and read no further if you don't want to here some of the less then pleasant details.

It was yet ANOTHER day of TEARS. How is my body able to support all this damn crying? We left p-town around 7:30 ish. I needed to be in Tucson at 12:30. The 1st set of tears started rolling around 7:40 and have yet to really stop. That was AM and now it is LATE PM this is getting old. I am exhausted but don't know if I can sleep.

Triple Negative Breast Cancer is the bad one in the bunch and those are the cards that I was dealt. Dr. Livingston seemed to knowledgable about this disease, he also was very compassionate and thorough. He spent a little over an hour examining me and talking to me. There were some harder parts like progression of disease into other parts of my body that would cause more then a stiff neck. The benefits of no organ involvement at this time. We touched base on the chronic part of my condition and the reality of a lot of treatment in my future...I am personally unable to say forever as I need to BELIEVE THAT THIS DISEASE WILL GO INTO REMISSION. If my insurance approves I am a candidate for a clinical trial for a combination drug therapy. It would be Team Bavituximab/Taxol. I am familiar with Taxol as we had 6 dose dense cycles my first go around. The difference is this time it would be a smaller dose and weekly. They say this reduces side effects and cancer cells respond differently. I am not sure how I feel about using a drug that I have already been treated with. I asked the Dr. about this and his answer was that in theory when Bad Boy Bavituximab gets added to the play book it is suppose to cut off any new vessels that might feed the cancer cells it singles them off by a protein given off by these new bad vessels? Sounds crazy to me. It is also a trial these are all theories that they hope will make a difference in cancer care. If insurance approves I could be enrolled in the trial within a week 2 at the latest.

The largest difference I heard today from this Dr. and the two prior oncologists was that he recommended I do combination chemo therapy vs. single agent chemo. The AZ Oncology form I was given said essentially that there was no difference in life expectancies from either of these 2 treatment options. Single agent has less side effects then double, sounds like a winning proposition to me. Dr. Livingston said that information is correct if you lumped (no pun intended) all breast cancers together. However my illustrious triple negative status needs to have a more aggressive battle plan.

It comes down to what kind of care is going to work for my life and allow me to enjoy the things that matter most. The U of A definitely had organization and flow. I was handed a vibrating pager upon check-in. That's right folks just like the Olive Garden, that little bit of corporate charm is a reminder this is business. Lucky for these folks business is booming. There was a group of ladies beading as we walked in. I was shuttled from check-in, to registration, to the American Cancer Society, then walked to the pavilion where we would wait for my buzzer to go off then they would take me in to see the Dr. Very streamlined, very smooth, nice gardens, lots of information. I spent an hour or so with the Dr., another hour with the research nurse, and then about a half hour with a social worker that wanted to let me know she was there for anything I might need. Kate and I chatted with her about the importance of support from my community. I absolutely have to put my health above everything else this is hard for me. I am trying to plan how best to do this.

The downside about the U of A is that it is in Tucson. Trying to plan a weekly drive south for treatment seems rather daunting, I don't have an extra day to spare. It is however totally possible I have some great friends in Tucson along with family.

Tomorrow I made a change-up, I cancelled my Phoenix appointments for an opportunity to see Dr. Lindquist in Sedona this all happened on the drive down. She comes highly recommended so I look forward to hearing what treatment options she has in mind.

So I came home to find a gift from a dear friend hanging from my door. It is a seaheart the legend says "with a seaheart in hand the right path is always chosen" and in case that did not cover my needs it was infused with essential oils "surrender" and "believe". The universe never ceases to amaze me.

I am grateful for my many blessings and the joy of dear friends in my life.

I feel closer to peace then I have in weeks and I am ready to sleep.

Drink water and breathe

The long and short of it.....

2012-02-05T07:33:00.000-08:00

The crying spells have become intermittent. A few nights here, a car ride there, all day yesterday......with a few pauses for basketball and a bike ride with the boys, oh that would be a lie I even cried at basketball.....If there was a camera on me while doing laundry someone would assume that I was a depressed housewife sobbing over the endless pile. If I saw me I would call someone for help, I don't know who to call and I need to work through this and get my head on the other side. I need to let go of things that are serving me no purpose and well these tears have almost ran their course. The pity party can only be useful for so long.

I met with Dr. Zieve from the Pine Tree Clinic he specializes in comprehensive cancer care. He is an MD that practices natural medicine. Based on my reports and my financial limitations, traditional chemotherapy is the best choice with a comprehensive herbal support package to support my body while going through this process. I really like him and he seemed to understand my condition and recognized the failures of western medicine. He also recognizes the seriousness of my condition and the need to treat me. I have to find an oncologist that recognizes the need for me to have both camps represented in my next round of care.

My neck is still stiff and I am still searching for the right doctor. Dr. Vu my old oncologist was without answers and a plan. He also REFUSED to work with Dr. Zieve in anyway, "it is not proven", kind of failed logic when the "proven" plan has me walking the cancer road again. Thank you Kate for going with me I could do a whole post on this crazy visit.

I met with a Dr. Boresh in Scottsdale, a little more bedside then Dr. V but I am still not sure same drugs, same side effects, not a lot of hope. He did have the ability to communicate to me that care changes from adjuvant (original disease) to chronic care(metastatic disease). He kept talking about how long people are able to tolerate this chemo or that chemo. He mentioned Zolota as the best transition chemo (this totally sounds like the gateway drug to me). It is oral chemotherapy and the side effects are mild...mouth sores, and painful inflammation of your hands and feet. Sounds like a nice transition to me, no needles and IV's those come later, once your "in the program". Patients can tolerate this chemo for a year or more???? This is the part that confuses me, what no end date? Apparently I am naive in the cancer world, metastatic disease means = chronic disease and the care well it is chemo for life!!!!!!!!!! with a few breaks for holidays and vacations. How gracious of this disease to give me time off..........no wonder I can't stop crying this just sucks! So I sit in this plush rocker and I rock back and forth in this super nice Scottsdale office and I listen and I rock. There is no physical exam apparently my condition has become an oral history....just a story backed up by exams and reports......surreal does not do this justice. Thanks heavens for my friend Lara sitting with me asking questions as I rocked and processed. Dr. B says I need a bone scan and a brain MRI apparently a pet scan does not show brain tumors (fabulous) or bone mets (super). These additional test will give him the "COMPLETE" picture. We always like to know what we are dealing with. So don't get me wrong Dr. B is nice, seems to be good at what he does, has a nice office he offers the same menu choices as Dr. V, only his office is a couple of hours drive away. I want more in a Dr. maybe that is not realistic, but I want to "feel" like someone "believes" in fighting this disease with me.

There is so much more.....but mom duty calls.

Tomorrow I head to the U of A to meet with Dr. Livingston (not to be confused with the seagull variety:), he comes highly recommended with all the papers. Tuesday I head to Scottsdale to meet with Dr. B and Dr. Kato (perhaps he is the side kick to a superhero I could sure use one of those). I am confidant I will find the right Dr.

The timeline is roughly 4 weeks from surgery, with sooner being better then later... I better get moving.

Drink water and breathe.....oh yeah and my herbal smoothie too...

Giant Tears

2012-01-24T00:35:00.000-08:00

I now have insomnia. My neck is stiff or I have a stiff neck. It feels sort of hot and angry kind of like me at this moment. This present attitude reflects my complete and total lack of presence but only for a short piece of time maybe longer if need be. I spoke with my surgeon and the biopsy results conclude that I have METASTATIC BREAST CANCER..... there are no words to describe the tears that are streaming down my face at this precise moment. They flow full of hot uncertainty, and they just flow. These are not little tears they feel like giant tears full of pain, hurt, sadness. They are also filled with so much love for my ordinary simple life. A life once again threatened by this awful disease. A long time ago someone told me that tears wash your soul. I always thought this meant pain and old hurts. I am 37 years old and I have cried my fair share of tears. Tonight they just feel different. The tears just well up in my eyes and then they roll hot and slow down the front of my face and the tears feel so big and so large it is as if a single tear reaches all the way from my eye to where it splashes on my chest. Then it seems like I could not possibly have enough liquid left in my ducts and in that exact second another burning hot tear rolls out ever so gently down my entire face to my chest. It is going to take quite a bit of these tears to wash away the sadness of my heavy heart. So here is hoping these tears stop, if only to allow me to get some more sleep tonight. I am pretty sure tears are not a treatment option if they were I would have this wrapped up in spades.

Tomorrow I put on my game face and meet with a couple of doc's and the cancer journey begins anew. I can't imagine it will be the same as the last time, things never stay the same. I am sure however they have not re-invented the needle since my last stint which means that it is still going to suck.

after a cry like today I need the hydration

drink water and breathe

2012 can we start over????

2012-01-19T23:21:00.000-08:00

The New Year has been off to a somewhat crazy start.

I registered for my first mountain biking race. The Whiskey Off Road is twenty five miles (+/-) of grueling road and trail through our lovely Prescott National Forest. Kind of a big step for me as I only got back on my bike around April of last year. I am so thankful for the awesome ladies that I am fortunate enough to ride with. You all are an inspiration and just so much fun!! So here is to training for the race in our playground. We are so blessed to live and ride here.

WARNING THE REST OF THIS POST SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

The year has started off with a cancer scare as well. I found a couple of lymph nodes on my neck swollen. I had a CT scan a few weeks ago, it is so amazing the test confirmed that I had swollen lymph nodes in my neck. I visited my surgeon, Dr. Alan Bornstein and he felt my neck and aggreed that I have swollen lymph nodes. I have swollen lymph nodes and we need to figure out why. Dr. Bornstein is kind of a no nonsense surgeon. He says there is a very small possibility that it could be nothing. Nice to know he always leaves that gap for a small miracle. I believe and pray for miracles, but with 2 cancers under my belt I am kind of a realist. He is not sure what is going on but says, "You will probably JUST need some more chemo." To which I respond with an eye roll, "JUST some more chemo?" Dr. Bornstein profusely apologizes for his wording. For those who have been down the chemo road you may find humor in this little exchange. I have a sense of humor so am not really offended. Dr. B does not lack sensitivity he is just real. He sees medicine scientifically as a tool. He looks at disease by type, progression, and tools to treat it. He does this with minimal fluff, he is on schedule, warm and full of pertinent facts (according to him). He also leads me to feel like he gets me, as if that were relevant, I like to think my care is personalized :).

The only way to tell what I have going on is to have a biopsy. This means my return to the Spa at Thompson Peak for a little out-patient procedure. The procedure is going to be surgery light, a little general anesthesia to make sure I don't move, only 15 minutes or so in the OR. Before surgery it would be nice if I could sqeeze in a PET scan, just to make sure we have the COMPLETE picture. So in addition to working, chasing kids, biking, 2 unplanned Dr.'s appointments, and surgery I now have to work a PET scan into my already full dance card. Being over booked is not fun. There is also quite a bit of pressure associated with a PET scan. YOU WANT TO DO WELL ON THIS TEST. So I follow all the directions, no carbs the day before, no strenuous excercise (I packed in all my yoga and biking the day before). You also have to be super hydrated and you fast. Now mind you I prepared for this test on the Friday after I met with my doctor, they of course could not get the insurance approval in a day so it was tenatively scheduled for the following Monday. So this is my second prep for this test. Monday morning rolls around and I am fasting at least I can have water. The goal behind the radioactive isotopes that are suspended in glucose is that they go to your "hotspots" not your dehydrated organs. You also have to lay very still for an hour while the injection finds your "hotspots", they suggest limited muscle use during this time I guess they don't want your muscles using up this special glucose. So it is pretty much nap time in a dark cozy room, followed by a scan in a BRIGHT tube with your arms over your head for about a half hour. REMEMBER STAY CALM YOU WANT GOOD RESULTS, ANXIETY IS NOT YOUR FRIEND HERE. Needless to say I have not matured much in "the meshes well with medicine" part of my personality. So I was super proud of myself when I passed this test with only having suspicious growth in my lymph nodes. No "hotspots" detected in other parts of my body. What ever I have going on is contained to my lymph nodes, in my neck and clavical. FUCKING FABULOUS........just about sums it up.

So on Wednesday, January 18th, 2012 I had an excisional biopsy at the Spa at Thompson Peak. My surgery was scheduled for 4:00 PM. I was allowed a light breakfast before 8:00 AM followed by an entire day of drinking my own saliva for sustinence, I did this once in a yoga class but that is another story. Doesn't that sound like fun? No water or food until after the procedure. We get to the hospital at 2:00 they check me in. I get taken to the OR around 3:00. Now the fun part starts... pre-op is quiet only a couple of patients...happy hour must not be big here. I of course take this to mean either I will get great care because there is not much going on OR everyone is rushing to get out of here and this is going to really suck. Why I am unable to look at a medical event without personally dramatizing the situation is completely beyond me....I assure you the only thing that may benefit from this is my writing.........living the reality just sucks. I of course make up in my mind that they are RUSHING to get out of here. Enter John the RN with the IV... I gently ask questions like have you done this before? I tell him I hate needles. I have a really hard time with IV's. I try to channel all the calm I can muster. He tells me, "I will feel a poke, don't move, cuss if I need too." So I visualize full plump veins and breathe. Okay the poke...no problem....don't move....got that....MOTHER FUCKER........THE PAIN. Followed by John asking Heather (the other RN) for a little help....my vein collapsed...... words like get the needle a little pressure did I say pain.......I could not even look. My ears are ringing sweat is pouring down my back I could really use a glass of water and the only way to a drink is getting a damn needle in my arm....just great. In order for the show to start I HAVE to get an IV. This is the worst part. Lucky for me we are going into surgery light.....we can use the little tiny IV for the next try......Why didn't we use it in the 1st place? I will never know...it is almost like I am being sent some cosmic message from the hospital universe....this will always be crazy for you....message received it is. So Heather gives it a go and manages with the baby IV. I meet the anesthesiologist, how do you do, I will take great care of you. Dr. Bornstein arrives makes a pen mark on my neck gives me the low down. Saw my pet scan yah, dah, yah, dah, yah, dah...follow up with your oncologist yah, dah, yah, dah, yah, dah. I will call you with the PATHOLOGY Friday or Monday. I wake up an hour later with a stiffer neck and some instructions for after care about when to shower and not, how to take pain pills, ect. ect. ect.

There are no easy ways to swallow the fact that I am headed down yet another road of medical uncertainty. I am frustrated and angry. I have no answers yet.

When I do
I will share them with you

Drink Water and Breathe

"Love Tears"

2012-01-03T22:18:00.000-08:00

I kind of needed to share a story about my son Mason. Tonight I was putting my sweet son to bed and we were just talking. Somehow the conversation got on to how he did not want to become a grown up. I re-assured him that he would grow into a fine man one day that was loving, strong, caring and kind. He would be surrounded by friends and family, maybe meet the girl of his dreams and get married. He said, "Mom will you be at my wedding?". I said, "Of course son I would not miss it for the world." Then my sweet son's eyes started to tear up. I asked him why he was crying and he said, " Mom they are just watering." I told Mason they were "love tears" not the kind you cry when you are horribly sad, angry or hurt but the kind of tears that flow when you think of perfect love. My sweet young son and I had an amazing moment where we just shared "love tears". I am so blessed to be a mother to my amazing boys and am grateful for each day that I spend with them.

So on a maintenance note. I had my one year check up with Dr. Vu in December. According to blood work and physical exams I am NED (no evidence of disease). This is fantastic news. It does not however negate the fact that CANCER is a GIANT MONKEY ON MY BACK. I think the worry ebbs and flows. This will be something I have to deal with forever. Before cancer the story of "love tears" would mean something different for me. I would have taken for granted my presence at my son's wedding. The thought of my own mortality now plays into my processing of future events. I realize that I need to live in the NOW. Not one of us has a guarantee for tomorrow. I try to face each day with gratitude.

Cancer is a wicked club. I don't know if I shared that my half-sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year. Her journey began shortly after I finished treatment. I believe I was still having reconstruction surgery when she was having her surgery to remove her cancer in April. We went under the knife within days of each other, in separate states. After my surgery I began to heal for the 1st time since my surgery in April 2010. No more chemo, no more operations for me. While my sister Arlene began her 1st cycle of chemotherapy. She was amazing through treatment and finished in October of last year. Arlene's doctor released her from care and allowed for her to return to Japan where her husband was stationed with the Navy. Last month my sister was having stomach pain and they think that her cancer has returned. She was flown back to the states today to meet with her oncologist. My heart breaks at the thought of her going through chemo again, I pray for her children, her husband, and our family. Cancer does not have any rhyme or reason. Arlene is not BRACA positive. I don't know if I am. I was never tested. I don't know if our cancer is genetically linked. In the end it doesn't even matter (I don't know how Linkin Park got in here). Cancer just sucks. Pray for my sister.

Take some time, count your blessings, shed some love tears,

drink water and breathe

Long hot summer

2011-08-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to sit down and play a little catch up. I have not known where to start. No news is good news in the blog front. The cancer update is good thus far. In June I had a six month check-up with my oncologist and all tests seem to be good so far. I have a nine month check-up in September.

My health seems to be improving steadily. I have been exercising more and more. It seems nearly impossible to lose the weight I put on during chemotherapy. Honestly I have not been able to get a handle on my eating, working in the restaurant and being surrounded by great food doesn't help much. I am sure my hysterectomy has some hormonal responsibility in the weight loss equation. I am not giving to much power to this situation as one cancer lesson that I have picked up on the way is to give myself a little grace. These things will come in time.

Cancer is still a monkey on my back. Though cancer free thus far I still find myself looking over my shoulder a bit. Every nerve spasm, cough, sore throat, pimple, any strange physical ailment sends my mind to the C zone. Usually for a second and I move on. I am pretty sure I am having some wicked hot flashes, or I have ZERO tolerance for the heat. I have given up wearing eye make-up for the summer, mascara running down my face is not a pretty sight. Then of course there is the chemo-brain. Sometimes I find it hard to put my thought in order. I have a lot to say I just can't find the words. It is really frustrating to remember someones name 2 hours after you spoke with them. I am thankful the information is there, just having a hard time accessing it on demand.

Next month I will enter into the final stage of reconstruction. I will have my nipples tattooed. That is right flesh colored tattooing for my nipple and areola. This will be my 1st time being inked....they say once you get one it becomes sort of an addiction. If you would like to reserve some space on my virgin canvas please impress me now :)

I have found a new love this summer. This love has been a integral part of my healing, and self discovery. This love has connected me to numerous new wonderful people. My new relationship has deepened my connection to old friends and to this magical place I call home. This love is not a person it is my Haro mountain bike. I do however now expect all this and more from my next romantic encounter as well. Mountain biking has been so much fun I am certain I don't have the ability to put it into words. It has been so much hard work, I have taken some crazy falls. Every time I get off my bike after a ride I am blissed out over what I have accomplished. Biking forces you to be present. I am privileged to have some amazing lady riders in my life who encourage me along the way. The pure joy of riding through the forest on a single trek simply stated makes you feel like a kid again. The wind rushing through your hair, the speed, the camaraderie, the challenge. In the beginning I would walk a lot. I am getting stronger and my skills are improving. My body is SLOWLY recovering from all that it has been through, my soul and spirit are on the fast track :) My bike has already taken me to some amazing places, mentally and physically I look forward to all the places we will go.

Insomnia is frustrating but sometimes can lead to some midnight blogging which feels good, and reminds me to drink water and breathe................

Love to Your Mother

2011-05-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

They are an extraordinary breed. We can all celebrate this day by giving a big thank you to our mom's. The pains of labor are only known by her, the amount of work it takes to bring a human being into this world is enough of a reason to say thank you . Then try to keep that little being alive when the only way they can communicate is crying or the ever effective screaming. For those uninitiated this is a "TALL"order, and there are no take backs. Slowly Mom figures out the ins and outs of what it means to be you. You grow, she grows becoming a personal library of what it means to be your mom. Adaptation and survival are two words not listed in "What to expect when you are expecting". There is no "REAL" guide book, Mom is left to sort out the details on her own. Just when Mom figures out what it takes to keep you happy and grooving in life, it is time to start letting go. This process seems to last a life time. Motherhood is a game of ebb and flow, that takes place on the field of unconditional love. The good thing about this is there is not a score card in love. Motherhood is a road riddled with potholes, smooth downhills, long climbs, pretty much everything life has to offer can be reflected in this one relationship. Complicated? You bet! Only a mother can make sense out this.

I would like to give a special shout out to all the mother's that I have raised my children with. My own journey of motherhood brought into my life a long list of amazing women who I am proud to call friends. Together we celebrate the joys and pains of motherhood. We do it with grace (sometimes), love, humility, frustration (often), laughter, and style (always):)) Thank you to all these special women who have helped me become the mom I am today.

Of course this is a special weekend that I will be spending with my boys, Corbin and Mason. I have learned so much just being their Mom. I was showered with special crafts made by them in school. Tomorrow I will go on a Mother's Day bike ride to celebrate my own momness.

Today the boys and I will be going out to my Mom's house to give her a special Mother's day gift. We will be stacking her firewood, 3 cords I believe. Only my Mom would strategically order firewood in conjunction with Mother's Day. Sadly only my brother would understand how unique and calculated our own mother is. The good news is stacking firewood is cheaper then flowers unless of course you count the blisters.

So whether it is firewood,or flowers take some time to give it up to your Mother and all the other Mom's you know. They are special, unique and deserving of all the love in the world.

Drink water and breathe......here's to all the momma's.

FRANKEN-NIPPLES

2011-04-04T20:38:00.001-07:00

I would post a picture, but I am still adjusting to them myself. On April Fool's Day I went in for the last of my scheduled out-patient surgeries. I had truly debated on the need for nipples. Had I been 90% happy with the results of the reconstruction up until this point I might have skipped the nips all together. Dr. Berardi being the perfectionist that he is wanted to revise one incision and do a little FAT grafting, which of course would involve some liposuction. I figured the revisions were necessary to get my bust line in to tip-top shape so I opted to have the nipples done while I was under.

The week prior to surgery is busy as usual. Non-stop work, kids, school, and life nothing out of the ordinary. My friend Jen is my surgery chaperon, she has gotten quite good at it. It seems as if "California Girls" by Katy Perry is our boob run theme song. I don't know why, I am not thrilled with this as a theme song but it is ALWAYS playing when we do our little Scottsdale trips. We leave P-town around 6:00 AM in order to check in by 8:00. Surgery is scheduled for 10:00 AM. Just past Sunset Point there is a semi-trailer hauling cattle turned over on it's side. We don't see any cattle but the guardrail and posts are decimated. A single lane of traffic was open at this point so we cruised on down the mountain.

I arrive early and they take me in to pre-op quickly. Sandy is my pre-op nurse, this is the 2nd time she has administered my IV. Sandy makes my veins disappear, they just don't like her. So she numbs me and tries to find a vein on my wrist, to no avail it retreats. As you all know I have a short window for these things and she was about 30 seconds past my personal threshold.

Sandy kind of talks like a granny from the south, I think she said "Shucks I will have to try 'nother..." I was about ready to come screaming out of that pre-op room. Just as she pulls out the failed attempt that is still stuck in my arm, she manages to somehow pull off a cap to the saline bag and sprays saline all over me, my pillow and the hospital bed. Now at this point my fight or flight response is saying "get the F out of here". Nurse Sandy gets me dry linens and we try again. I am sure she is going to screw it up again, but I breathe through the next jabbing and miraculously she finds a vein. Did I mention I couldn't drink water, nothing after mid-night on surgery days. I have been waiting for my saline hydration since I got up that morning. Finally I am connected and she has the drip on high which turns my arm into an icicle.....but I am hydrating. Now Sandy will finally go away, I want to wait in peace. Please go get Jen. The IV is the worse part, now Jen and I just wait for my cocktail. The wait is a little long. Jen is cracking jokes about being a fat donor for my procedure. My pre-op neighbor thinks it is funny and pulls back the curtain to tell us ALL about her procedure. She volunteers to be a fat donor too. No matter where we go we are always making friends. Dr. Berardi doesn't show up until 10:20, he quick whips out his marker and goes to work on my body. In about 2 and 1/2 minutes he decides where my new nips are going to be along with where he is going to graft my fat. Dr. Thuley(anesthesiologist) comes in and quick puts 2 syringes of something into my drip and it is lights out, I think I said goodbye to Jen. After surgery I am much better then the last time. I don't puke until I see Jen and they move me out of the hospital bed to the recliner. The good news is I only puke once. I am very groggy though and have an ace bandage over my shoulder and an abdomen brace of some kind. My lip hurts like I bit it, what exactly happened to me in there? The nurses quickly pour me into my car and Jen runs me up the mountain. I sleep to the top of Black Canyon City. Traffic on the southbound lane of I-17 is backed up from Sunset Point to Cordes Junction. Apparently they closed the highway shortly after we went through in the morning for 8 hours. So I guess my timing is getting better. I try to sleep off the surgery most of the weekend. I don't even sneak a peak at my new nipples. There is so much gauze, tape, foam donuts and ace wrap. I am afraid I might harm my new appendages. So for once I take the Dr.'s advice and sponge bath only until I saw him today. The fat grafting seems successful the indentation from my mastectomy has been filled up. Dr. Berardi slowly takes off my ace bandage. Underneath are these foam donuts taped over my new nipples. Dr. B not so gently takes off the tape and reveals my thimble sized nipples with black suture strings sticking out everywhere, TOTALLY FRANKENSTEIN!!!! Placement is good, I knew that they would be big and then shrink down. I was totally fine with the exam until Dr. B had to poke one of them with a needle to make sure it had proper blood flow. Then my ears start to ring and I have to lay back before I pass out. I may never out grow my phobia of needles. Hopefully I will be spending less time around them. So the down low on the whole surgery is that due to the liposuction it was a little more invasive then the prior surgeries. I will have to keep my chest wrapped, without smashing my new nipples. I will also need to wear abdomen support to prevent any swelling from the liposuction. He didn't even take enough belly fat to notice and it is oh so tender. Again I am on the road to healing.... Drink water and breathe.......

Where have I been???

2011-03-08T19:26:00.000-08:00

Hooray I have hair !

Okay I have not posted since January 31st what in the world has been going on with me?

That is a very good question. February ended up being a rather long month, even though it is the shortest month of the year.

The boys and I spent the ENTIRE 2nd week of February home sick. That is right no school, no work, we all just sat around the apartment trying to get well. Whatever strand of virus that we had just seemed to cling on forever.

I followed that week with a couple of days in divorce court. My days of being a married woman are numbered. Those couple of days were the most costly financially and emotionally, of my life. Watching Steve sit on the stand and lie made me crazy. I have a legal pad full of scribbles, it was like I was fighting with my demons and scratching them out on a note pad. The low-lights of my 27 month union are aired before a wonderful woman judge. Who will ultimately judge what my stake in our life was after hearing both of our "stories". This forum is not my cup of tea. I like to refer myself as a "forgetful optimist". I have had so many BAD stories with Steve if I held on to all of them I could possible lose myself in something akin to a black hole. Now don't think for a moment that I am so evolved that I couldn't tell you 100 rotten stories about Steve. I could it is just not good for me my big job is to let those go. Needless to say I felt everything in court was kind of ridiculous. His vicious attorney was questioning me about my surgeries and treatment? How much time did I actually spend at Dr.s appointments? Why I made so little money last year and why didn't I apply for a full time job at someplace like Jack in the Box. Somehow this has to do with Steve's defense. I think I finally realized he will never have one. The whole time I am trying to figure out how and why our country has divorce set up like this. How does a system that is suppose to arrive at justice revolve around such cruelty and lack of humanity? It beats the hell out of me. The worse part about all of this is at the end of the day and all the testimony the judge rules that both parties will submit closing arguments by March 11th and she will decide shortly after that. For those of you as confused as I was that means I was told I had to wait another month for her to rule on our case.

Is this a cruel joke? NO! Another lesson in life to hurry up and wait.

My favorite divorce quote is "Divorce is like getting hit by a bus, every day for two years" Elizabeth Gilbert.

Steve was served on March 31, 2009. It has almost been 2 years exactly, I have said before that I have uncanny timing :) That means my daily impacts are coming to an end.

The good news is that I am almost there. I believe the next chapter of my life has amazing things in store for me and I am excited to close the pages on these last few years. Though I gained a lot of wisdom, the journey has been long.

So on the cancer front I have been having monthly blood tests. I will have my 3 month check-up with Dr. Vu next week. I am scheduled for NIPPLE RECONSTRUCTION ( I wish knew how to add sound effects to my blog as this would be an appropriate spot) April 1st. Another outpatient procedure with general anesthesia. I almost opted for NO nipples. That way I wouldn't have to worry about them poking out and such. I also had such a horrible time waking up at the last surgery. However, there is some touch up work that I think is necessary for the long term look of my implants. While I am having that done I might as well have the nipples done to. Dr. Berardi is also going to be moving some fat to fill in my mastectomy indention. Another fun filled day in Scottsdale.

The first week of March found the boys and I sick AGAIN! This is getting to be ridiculous, only this time it is strep throat. Kind of good because it can be treated with antibiotics, kind of bad because it sucks to be sick so much in just a couple of months. It does however feel good to be sick like everyone else, instead of sick with cancer.

Next week is spring break and I am starting to feel that spring tingle in the air. Growth and change are blowing on the wind. I look forward to this new season and hope that it is full of love, healing, health and promise for everyone.

Drink water and breathe.............

Recovering nicely and the next big thing......

2011-01-31T20:42:00.000-08:00

There just doesn't seem to be time enough to blog. I am recovering nicely from my implant exchange and with each passing day I feel stronger and stronger. My new breasts are looking better every day. I feel more like me with each passing day.

I am so thankful for the return of my strength. Instead of spending weekends on my couch I am able to get out and live a little. The boys and I have been hiking. I have had time to catch up with friends, someplace other then the chemo chair. Life has been pretty busy and ordinary. The laundry piles just aren't quite as high as they have been. It is about time I start addressing the things that I have put on the back burner.

The universe has a funny way of timing things and my divorce happens to be one of those details that has been on my "to do list". Just as I finish the majority of my cancer treatment, I get to follow it up with divorce court. Not exactly the chaser I was hoping for. Yes that's right for those of you who did not know I am still not divorced and am on my way to trial. My wonderful soon to be ex-husband has decided anything we acquired together is all his. So on February 14th (I am not making this up) we get to go to trial where a judge will decide on all the things we can't agree on (everything). To be honest I am thrilled that this time has finally come. I am so ready to close the chapter on that part of my life as well. What a way to celebrate Valentine's day! For the first time my head and my heart seem ready to face this. My separation from Steve were the darkest days of my life. I was a broken battered woman. I recovered, healed and just as I was coming out of that fog I was diagnosed with cancer. Timing is everything, mine is extraordinary. In some ways the pain of separation gave me the strength to cope with cancer, honestly cancer might have seemed easier to understand. It isn't discriminating, it doesn't lie to you, you don't have expectations. Cancer has taught me patience and acceptance like nothing else. So I look forward to my trial with a calm head and heart. I am amazed at how I have grown in the last year. These two HUGE events have taught me to love and nurture myself. Now that I think about it, it is a pretty great gift to have on Valentine's Day.

So I reckon it is going to get a little heavy in the next few weeks. I am blessed and surrounded by love. I will of course need to drink water and breathe....

Implant exchange

2011-01-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

Just when I think I've gotten used to all these procedures one throws me for a curve. A million thank yous to my dear friend Jen for taking me to my latest surgery.

We left for Phoenix around 5:00 PM on Thursday. Surgery was scheduled for 7:30 AM which means arriving at 5:30 AM for paperwork and pre-op. This is not like the airport, when a hospital says 2 hours early I take them seriously and do just that. So isn't Jen a peach for getting up in the wee hours of the morning to hang out in the waiting room with me, then in pre-op, then sit around and wait for me to get out of surgery.

While they are prepping me for surgery there is a little confusion. The OR is booked for 2.5 hours, but the procedure is listed as nipple reconstruction. AAAARRRGGH that is for future blog posts, I need an implant exchange and port removal. It was such a pain to coordinate this trip and I was soooo ready to have all those things out of me. The nurse waits to put my IV in while she checks to make sure my implants are in stock. Are you kidding me????? Thankfully they have them and the surgery is a go. I guess they don't run out of the DD. I have never been so thankful to get an IV. My pre-op nurse is a 7 year breast cancer survivor, she referred to me as her sister in pink, such a small statement filled with so much understanding. I of course take this as a good sign. My anesthesiologist happens to be young and gorgeous another good omen. Everything is coming together nicely. I say goodbye to Jen.

The next thing I know I am semi-conscious surrounded by scrubs and vomiting. I am more looped then I have ever been. Surgery is over people are talking to me and I am vomiting. Every now and then an alarm goes off and from a distance someone says "Sarah take some deep breaths". I pass out again. Apparently I do this for awhile because Jen didn't get called back until 1.5 hours after she talked to Dr. Berardi. It usually only takes about 45 minutes to come to normally. I finally get moved to the 2nd stage of post-op and someone dresses me. Jen arrives at this point and I take some more time to clear my head. They wheel me out in this weird recliner wheel chair, which kind of looks like a chemo chair. I decide I have to go to the bathroom before we depart, so I get wheeled back in. I pee and then proceed to vomit some more. Now I am really having fun, I hate being sick to my stomach. So Jen and I park it in the recovery room until I feel I can try again. Another 10 minutes goes by and we try again. This time I make it to the car, I am armed with a damp washcloth, puke pan, crackers, and gingerale for the ride home. Can you imagine the fun Jen is having at this point?

I drift in and out of consciousness the whole way home. This is why they say don't make any major decisions after anesthesia. I felt like a raving lunatic, out cold one minute, then talking about random stuff the next. The ride home was not memorable, coincidentally neither was the entire day.

Of course I am semi-alert by the time we get back to Prescott which I think is sometime after 2:00. I curl up on the couch, at some point on the ride home I arranged to have Dani come over and "watch" me. I even had the sense to have her pick-up Resident Evil : Afterlife, science fiction usually speeds up my recoveries. I sleep waiting for Dani to arrive. I of course am not sure of what my post-op care should be. I know what prescriptions I should be taking, but am I allowed to shower? How soon can I peek at my new boobies? I call the Dr.'s office and I am told to stay bandaged up until Monday, only sponge baths until then. Sure if you say so.....

So we watch Resident Evil, which is LAME beyond my wildest expectations. So horrible that I am adamantly refusing to watch the next one they so obviously are going to create some day. The Vicodin does not even dull the pain of a weak story line coupled with knock-off special effects. This was by far one of my larger movie disappointments. Just bad.............

I of course wake up on Saturday feeling a little curious about my implants. Kate stops by for a visit. Then my mom. I lay around while they help with the chores. I am ever so thankful for all the help that I get. They all leave and I finally decide I need to take a look at my new chest. If I had been thinking clearly I would have done it with Kate or my Mom here. Wrapping 15 feet of ace bandage around my chest with the pain from the surgery was kind of tough. So my new boobs are soft, they kind of looked flat and smooshed???? I really wanted small and perky...maybe Dr. Berardi didn't understand me. I am kind of like oh well, you get what you get.

Thankfully my friend Dina gives me a call. She had an implant exchange in November. She wanted to explain to me that hers kind of looked flat and left her wondering what was the point. She said after the bandages were removed and they "dropped" into place they would look much better. I thanked her for her wisdom and waited to here what Dr. B would say on Monday.

The kids come home from their Dad's Sunday morning. We run to the grocery store. The boys are very helpful because they want to go to Walgreens and spend their allowances directly after shopping. We go home, unload the groceries, and make lunch. The boys decide they want to meet a friend at the YMCA pool for a swim. It sounded like a good idea to me. I could knit, they could get some exercise. Being at the pool filled me with anxiety. The cleanliness of that place always has me wondering. I felt particularly exposed due to my recent surgery. I was fighting off air born MERSA germs with my knitting needles. I kept telling myself what a dummy I was for taking one of my bandages off and exposing my skin to this hot humid germ filled air. Clearly the drugs were still clouding my judgement. About an hour or so later we depart nothing like the Y pool to make you appreciate fresh air.

So Monday afternoon I have a follow-up with Dr. Berardi. Kate drives me down and we make an afternoon of it. Hanging out with all of my girlfriends is a perk of the cancer trail. When I see Dr. B he seems pleased with surgery. I am like but......Then it is like I don't have a brain at all. I had a million questions to ask him some how I am totally thrown off subject. He then starts showing me how I am supposed to massage my new implants. This massaging will help shape the muscle pocket they are in. This part is painful and I am writhing in the exam chair. Why is it I finally have a hot guy touching my "breasts" and I am wanting him to stop. Needless to say I do feel super self conscious around my hot doc. I just hope and pray I don't say something really obnoxious when I am put under for surgery. So I am sent home with orders to massage firmly 3 times a day. Then I see him in 2 weeks to see my progress. I thought for sure this part would be easy, but like everything else on this journey it is always a process.

I returned to work today and I am doing light duty. No lifting some light chopping I am still trying to shake off a little surgery fog, sometimes it all seems like a dream.

Drink water and breathe....................

My 5 o'clock shadow..........

2011-01-03T20:13:00.000-08:00

No this is not the recent lunar eclipse this is my new hair that is growing back.

If you look closely you can see my eyelashes returning!

Even my eyebrows are starting to return. Unfortunately I will have to start plucking and shaping them soon. There are some perks to being hairless :)

I will spare you all the images of the rest of the hair that is growing on my body. The great news is I feel better and stronger each day. I do experience numbness and tingling in my hands and feet. The arm that had all the lymph nodes removed is just different, lots of odd sensations not really painful just weird.

This Friday I am scheduled to have my implant exchange. I am so excited to get these rock hard expanders out of my chest and get some nice new squishy, perky, bouncy did I say perky? breast implants.

Life is moving forward toward recovery and healing. This past year has been so hard, yet so full of blessings. I am hoping the year ahead will be a little smoother then the last. In the year ahead I am focusing on the good things and appreciating every single one to it's fullest. The "not so good" things I will accept as such. I also feel like we need to pass on all the blessing that we have. Which leads me to a Christmas gift I received this year from a dear friend whom I share a lot with but do not know so well. My friend dropped off a gift at the restaurant. I did not have time to open it so I moved it out of the way. I guessed by it's shape that it was a candle, after lifting it I decided it was the heaviest candle I have ever held. I opened it a few hours later and it was a medium sized glass container full of change and a few bills as well. I thought to myself "that is the most peculiar way that I have received a monetary gift in all my life". I was in no way not appreciative because in these times every little bit helps. I did however think it was a little odd. My friend calls me the next day to give me an explanation of the jar of change. She says it is a "pay it forward jar", someone gave it to her last year at the holidays. She spent what was in the jar and proceeded to fill it the rest of the year with her change. My friend passed it on to me this year. Now through out the year I will throw change in this jar each time thinking of my dear friend and this simple gift knowing that next Christmas someone special will come into my life that I can pass this jar on to. Now the reason that I am blogging about this little story is that I think maybe we should all start little jars at the start of this New Year. It seems like a little goodness can go along way and the world could use some more of it.

Of course my New Year's Resolution is to drink water and breathe.......

All clear!

2010-12-28T03:07:00.000-08:00

It has taken me far to long to share this news with my blog universe. My PET scan was all clear, my blood markers are within normal range. My understanding is that I am cancer free. What a gift. I have been busy celebrating LIFE. I have known since December 16th, it is quite possibly the best Christmas present I have ever received.

Now I am transitioning into a new phase of being a cancer survivor. My medical team now monitors me. This area is vague and grey, kind of that in between. Pema Chodron a Buddhist nun and author claims this is the space in which inner peace is found. Lucky me cancer delivered me hear on a short nine month journey, I don't feel all that peaceful. Exhausted and elated maybe but not necessarily enlightened. In all seriousness this place I am in is a little unsettling. I have a blood test once a month to monitor my ovarian cancer. I will have a blood test quarterly to monitor my breast cancer. I will see my oncologist every 3 months providing all blood tests are normal. In 6 months I will have another PET scan to make sure all is still well. My oncologist said to watch my skin for any type of red fungus looking type outbreaks. Due to the type of cancer I have I will not have to take any oral medications to prevent a recurrence. I take this little tidbit as a blessing. The less pharmaceuticals that are pumped into my body the better. It is still kind of weird, my friends and I have spent so much time in the chemo recliners. Then it is over just like that, it is like the end of a relationship, no break up sex to commemorate the event, it is just finished.

I still have reconstruction procedures over the next few months. Next Friday I will have my implant exchange. That is right the silver lining is about to arrive. I will have new perky breast mounds put in on January 7th. I have adjusted to the expanders but am looking forward to my new soft breasts. Of course I will be nipple free, for a few more months. That procedure will be scheduled in a couple of months. Then of course I will have areola tattooed on some time after that. The journey continues......

Sometime during the last 8 months I read that chemotherapy adds 10 years to your age. The toll it takes on your body is pretty severe. My hair is returning I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my head. Hair on the rest of my body seems to be returning sporadically. I have quite a few pounds to shed as a result of all my steroid filled treatment. This journey is probably going to be longer then my cancer quest as the quest for good health is never ending.

A few weeks ago my friend Matt and I went on a little mountain bike ride. For all you locals it was only the Peavine trail. For my readers who don't know the area "a very mellow ride along an old rail road track with minimal change in grade". The ride was only 8 miles on a beautiful sunny day. The 4 miles to Prescott Valley went pretty smooth. Upon arriving at the Iron King trail head in Prescott Valley I turned around to see the slight grade we had just come down to realize I was completely out of my league. I was at the half way point, my saddle was already sore I was not quite sure how I was going to make it back. I have plenty of will just no muscle to speak of. My friend Matt was so patient as I huffed and puffed my way up this long slow grade. For those of you who think I am being mellow dramatic, I was pedaling so slow a jogger almost caught up to me. Rather then allow such an embarrassment I quickly sprinted to the next bend where I could rest without being lapped by the jogger. Recovering my health is going to be my real journey, tearing something down is so easy building something is so much harder.

Through out this all it still makes sense to drink water and breathe.......

PET scan anyone????

2010-12-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

Since my last treatment (November 24th) I have felt stronger with each passing day. The last few weeks have been crazy busy.

I had a PET scan on December 10th. This was not one of my finer medical moments. I had a lot of anxiety surrounding this test. All the treatment and surgery comes down to these results. My human brain can't help but wonder, is the cancer gone? did the chemo work? am I really finished? In preparation for the test I eat no carbs the day prior. I swear this gives me some kind of sugar withdrawal headache the night before the test. I of course don't take any medicine for the headache, even though they say it is okay. I personally feel like the less variables in my system the better. There is of course no medical reason for me to come to this conclusion, I try to just hydrate the headache away.

The next day I am allowed only water prior to the test. So I go strolling in the office determined to be my optimistic self. I have the scan done at the new SimonMed facility in Prescott Valley. My appointment was scheduled at 9:00 I arrived right on time. Then preceded to wait for one hour in the lobby. This flagrant abuse of patient time is something I find very frustrating. I attempt to keep my irritation at bay but it is kind of hard.

Finally around 10:00 I get called back. I am feeling rather confident in my ability to handle these medical tests like a grown up. Dan the technician is quite nice he takes me back to a holding area. First he tests my blood sugar to make sure it is within range. I take the finger prick like a champ. Next Dan locates a nice plump vein in my left arm and inserts a small butterfly. He flushes the line with a little saline, I get that nasty taste in my mouth which I get every time I have a saline flush. This is all pretty routine up to this point. I notice Dan has a little thing on his finger and I make some comment like "are zip-tie rings the latest accessory in the medical field?" He proceeds to tell me it is a radiation badge, designed to make sure that he is not exposed to to much of it, since it is harmful and all. Dan then leaves the room only to return with a giant metal syringe full of radioactive glucose that he will be injecting directly in to my veins. Somehow this situation is not comforting to me. My body decides to react with a loud ringing in my ears, I then start sweating profusely, then my vision starts to go in and out. I let nice Dan know that he needs to recline the chair and I am about to faint. I think this little episode lasts about a minute. I manage to not pass out completely. This return to my old reaction to medical treatment has me wondering if my Dr. phobia has improved at all? I start to calm down and Dan removes the butterfly and wraps my arm with some tape.

Now the next phase of the testing begins I have to sit calmly in this little dark room. I am cozied up under a blanket with my shoes off. I am supposed to sit here for about 45 minutes. I am determined to be calmer then I have ever been. This is the most important test of my life and I certainly don't want to F it up by moving to many muscles. Luckily there is a flat screen TV in the room, a little mindless TV to distract the mind could be helpful in this situation. Unfortunately it is set to TLC and "A Baby Story" marathon is on. I do not have a remote control this is not good. Now I was a fan of this show during my pregnancies. There is a time in every woman's life where a show like this could connect you to the miracle of childbirth. I however did not feel that way on this particular day. I was sure watching one woman push during delivery was causing my own pelvic region to contract. I decided to ignore the show and manage to dose off for most of the next baby story. I awoke to a brilliant young woman who had managed to carry her second child to full term without even knowing that she was pregnant. Watching someone claim such a thing really does aggravate me on some kind of primitive level. How could I possibly relax with this kind of torture?

Finally Dan comes to get me and set me up in the tube for the scan itself. This is another part of the test where I get to be absolutely still again. Only to make it more fun this time I get to lie flat on my back. To make it interesting I get to hold my hands up over my head. Lucky for me my mastectomy and expanders made all my chest muscles super tight. I feel like a spring loaded mouse trap. With out complete concentration my arms could snap up at any moment. Dan proceeds to move the platform that I am on in and out of this machine. It looks like a large block with a cylinder in the middle. The room is a cool 50 - 60 degrees. Thankfully I have blankets over me, he does however forget to cover my bald head. Time to relax this will only take about 30 minutes or so. Great, my nose starts to itch just as the test begins. Now I am really starting to enjoy myself.

So I somewhat chant my way through the test drink water and breathe, drink water and breathe....you can do this..........

and it works I finish the test by about 12:30. There would be no results until I saw the Dr. the following week.

the rest of the story is coming soon.....

drink water and breathe..........

Chemo log 17 - over at last

2010-12-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

What a journey it has been.

My last chemo went off without a hitch. Liette and Matt spent the day with me. They brought lunch and we played cards, I lost every hand of cribbage. Someone forgot to tell them the girl with cancer is allowed to win. I am thinking about putting together a chemo companion rule book after this all said and done. My friend Dani also stopped by with a celebratory basket full of all kinds of goodies. It is so nice to feel all the love and support that I have.

After treatment I picked the boys up from their play date and headed home for an early evening. My Dad phoned a couple hours after I got home and told me that my grandma Heatherbelle had passed away earlier that morning. My family knew that it was coming, she was after all 96. Grandma Heatherbelle lead quite a full and blessed life. The love and kindness she showed to everyone is something I will always admire and keep close to my heart. She was also a great romantic and would write the sweetest poems about love. So in addition to celebrating my last treatment I am also celebrating the rich full life of my grandma and all the love she shared with the world. We will forever share November 24th as a special day.

It is great to know that I have completed treatment. I am however only celebrating ever so lightly. I am at an in between stage. I have a PET scan scheduled later this week. They will take images of my body while a radioactive glucose is pumped through my veins. This test will confirm that I am cancer-free. So I am holding off the big celebration for the final word. It is wonderful to have the month off from treatment and know that my body will feel better with each passing day. I remember how scared I was just to get the PET scan before. Now eight long months later I can kind of gauge just how far I have come. All the treatment I have had leads up to this one test. I am probably more scared then I have ever been. At this point in the journey I have effectively managed my fear of the test itself and most things medical. It is the results that have the power and I want closure on cancer, I want my images to show my port and expanders and nothing else. I of course have no control over this and it will be as it will be.

My heart was heavy with breast cancer worry as the media is flooded with the death of Elizabeth Edwards. What an amazing woman and mother. The loss her family has experienced just brings me to tears. I have tried to give very little power to the fact that this disease that I share with so many women is deadly. I am not in denial, I just think hope is vital to strength and healing. I feel intimately connected to the sadness of all women who have lost their battle with breast cancer. We all will have to face our own mortality.........cancer patients have been forced to face theirs sooner then most would like.

On a lighter note the holiday season at the Rouette household is in full swing. The boys and I hung outdoor lights yesterday. This is something I have always wanted to do and never done. The results are great, so gaze at our hilltop in the evening if you are in the area or hell just stop by for an eggnog our door is always open. We purchased our live-potted tree and plan on decorating it tomorrow it only stands about 3 feet tall, but is soooo cute . Mason is going to be in his first Christmas pageant this week, I don't think he will have a speaking part but we have been practicing the carols in the car everyday. Then of course there is Mason's birthday party this weekend. We will be celebrating the big 5 which is impossible to believe. All this is happening this week in addition to a PET scan, work and school. No wonder I keep telling myself.....

drink water and breathe...........

Chemo log 16 - eve of my last treatment

2010-11-23T17:09:00.000-08:00

I knew this day would come. I did not realize it would happen so fast. Tomorrow is my last carboplatin/taxol treatment. In 24 hours my chemo journey will come to an end.

For all that have been keeping up chronologically, the boys and I have recovered from our colds and such that began to plague our household around my last treatment. We all have a little lingering cough but that is nothing compared to how sick we all were. At any rate we are all pretty healthy and tomorrow I go for my final chemo treatment.

Many thanks to all of my supporters, the last month or so has been pretty tough. I appreciate all the cards, meals, movies, house cleaning and everything else. Without the help of so many these last few months would have been unbearable.

Part of me feels like in addition to helping with preparations for our family Thanksgiving (my mom is doing most of it) I should also be preparing for my last treatment. I am not sure how exactly, I am kind of in a state of disbelief. I am overjoyed that my body was able to handle the chemo as well as it has. But I am exhausted, chemo has been a long hard road, physically, emotionally even spiritually. The medicine is designed to kill all fast growing cells. I believe it kills them and so many more. Chemo strips you down, one hair at a time. Sometimes I feel that all that is left are my eyes and they are a portal into my soul. It too has been along on this trek and it to has been changed. It is hard to explain what it is like, loss does not quite encapsulate what I have been through. Chemo is a gift that gives by breaking down my body. It is kind of a paradox, this loss I am experiencing is truly a gain for the rest of my life. I guess that knowledge doesn't make the journey any more fun. Thankfully I am able to remind myself along the way that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I guess this leaves my preparations for my last chemotherapy much like all the others. I pack up my chemo bag, books, knitting, cribbage board, netbook, and blanket. I head there wrapped up in all the love and support that I have had along the way. I realize how lucky I am to be alive, to be receiving treatment, grateful that my body is tolerating them so well.

Oh yeah and I am completely fricking thrilled that this is my last one.

Drink water and breathe.....

Chemo log 15, REALLY sick

2010-11-13T18:25:00.000-08:00

So much for my whiny post prior to this. Since then, I have been really sick. The sick I mentioned before was pseudo-sick, or sick because I am having chemo therapy and I ought to be sick. Maybe obligatory sick is the term I am looking for, I may have just made that up. At any rate since my last post I have been REALLY sick.

It started the week before Halloween. Wednesday, October 27th my son Corbin was in bed until 1:00 PM. This has not happened in his entire life. He was some kind of sick. Conveniently my family Dr. is closed on Wednesday. I swear since I became a mother my kids are only sick on Wednesdays or Weekends. So I wait to take Corbin to the Dr. on Thursday.

Since I so love going to the Doctor I went for my scheduled lab appointment with Dr. Vu. I would not have been able to go if not for Mary who came to the rescue. She came over and watched Corbin sleep for a few hours while I was at my appointment. Not to many are willing to watch your kids when they are so sick. I told Dr. Vu of the illness I had going at home and he said to wash my hands often and it should not be a problem. I believed Dr. Vu and was on my merry way.

Thursday, October 28th, Corbin is still really sick and I get him into the Dr. that afternoon. After examining him the NP decides he has strep. She offers me 2 options, door number one is antibiotics for 10 days or door number to is a shot. I opt for door number 2, he is so sick and it just gets them better that much faster, not to mention the stinky pink antibiotic for 10 days is no fun. Now the only person in the known universe that hates shots more than myself is my son Corbin. One time he was so terrified by a flu shot, he bit me. So why would I put my 1st born through this? Because I feel he was that sick. Drastic times call for drastic measures, so myself and 2 nurses pin him down to give him the injection in the butt. He is not pleased, but it is over in less then a minute and with the exception of the slight limp he is no worse for the wear. My family is now on the road to wellness.

I feel fine, Corbin is improving, Mason has shown signs of tiredness but we are not going to get sick. That of course only lasts until Saturday morning when Mason decides it is his turn to be sick, he spikes a fever and passes out for a few hours in the middle of the day. Are you kidding me? I still feel okay, and the boys go to their fathers house for the rest of the weekend. I will rest up, I do not want to get sick.

My immune system fights admirably until about Monday afternoon, when a head cold starts to settle in. Tuesday afternoon I had a nose bleed that I swear was a tumor in my sinuses that had ruptured. I am about ready to call the Dr. when the bleeding finally stops (I am talking 5 minutes or so). I think the blood loss weakened my immune system to the point of me officially getting sick that evening. No fever just lots of drainage, coughing and generally feeling crummy. Wednesday it gets worse but I am still not totally laid up. At this point I call the chemo office and they say come in as scheduled the Dr. will decide.

Thursday, November 4th, I felt pretty crappy, dropped the boys off at school and headed for the chemo office. I had mixed feeling about treatment. I did not want to postpone treatment, if I am going to be sick I might as well be double sick right? But, I didn't want to be incapacitated and end up in the hospital. I guess the Dr. knows whats best. I will leave it in his capable hands. Dr. Vu looks in my throat and says it is probably viral. We proceed with treatment and he sends me home with a Z-pack in case I get worse over the weekend.

Treatment is extra sad for me this time. I was sick, so I must have been a little more tender then usual. It seemed crowded lots of VERY thin people, clinging to hope. New people recently diagnosed with cancer, "that feel great". I was very cold during this treatment and it is the one time I forgot to bring my own blanket. I end up sleeping until Jen arrives with lunch. I never sleep while there either. Kind of strange all around, the chemo brain, the cold, the sadness it all kind of left me in a fog.

Dinner was provided by my friend Salli that evening so after picking up the boys I only need to head home and put my feet up. Salli you could not have picked a better day, I was exhausted beyond belief by the time I got home that afternoon. I turned in around 8:00 PM with the boys, and I fell asleep instantly. Only to be awake from about 1:00 to 4:00 AM on my steroid high. My body just keeps responding to all this medicine that is running through my veins and these sleepless nights have been consistent at least. I wake up Friday still believing that I am not going to get REALLY sick and I head to work.

By this point I am kind of in shock that I have completed 9 out of 10 chemo treatments. I can't believe that I am already here. This cancer journey has been so fast I don't even know where the last 7 months have gone. This realization gives me a little buzz that I ride throughout my day.
Hooray the end is in sight!!!!!!!

By Friday night I finally succumb to this illness that I have been dancing with for the better part of a week. I proceed to get sick, my head hurts, my throat hurts, I am coughing, my bones hurt I have it all going on. I spend another entire Saturday on the couch. The number of times I have done this in the last year is just maddening. This particular Saturday is the worst one yet all the tea, juice, water and rest doesn't seem to be enough I am just miserable. I blow through a couple of boxes of Kleenex. I put off taking the antibiotic the Dr. prescribed, I am waiting for my mucus to turn a particular shade of green, I don't think chartreuse is really a green do you? This must be viral, it can't last much longer, how much snot can I produce anyway. I am a cancer patient doesn't that count for something?

Sunday morning I wake up and decide that I need soup. I have been sick enough it was time to get off the couch. So I take myself to the grocery store where I load up on tea, juice, and Kleenex. I proceed to make a giant pot of soup. Half way through this process I realize I don't really feel well enough to be doing this but who stops in the middle of a pot of soup. That evening this illness comes back with such a vengeance, I finally take the antibiotics. I don't care at this point I will take anything that will make me feel one iota better. Funny the bone pain has not been quite as severe as the last couple times, or maybe this rotten cold is just a distraction?

In between coughing fits and blowing my nose....drink water and breathe................

Chemo log 14 Sick, Lame and Lazy.......

2010-10-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

My last treatment was October 14th and my lack of blogging comes from a completely full schedule, with some pretty crummy days thrown in.

Treatment 8 of 10 was during the week of fall break which made for less scheduling conflicts with the boys. Wouldn't you know the one day I can relax at the chemo lounge and not have to rush anywhere to pick up kids is the one day they are actually ahead of schedule??? WTF... kind of felt like one of those zen life lessons about having more time when you are not busy rushing. So due to fall break a new friend was added to my chemo dance card, my friend Dani brought lunch and came to spend the afternoon with me. Unlike all the other friends Dani has recently begun her own cancer journey so she can relate a little more to what I am experiencing. Like so many things in life no two paths are the same, cancer treatment is even more varied from case to case and Dr. to Dr. Dani and I passed the afternoon playing cribbage, which I don't know if I have mentioned to anyone is the best card game of all time. I have only played this game with a small handful of players (4 total and 1 is deceased) so it is a joy to find someone new to play with. She even introduced me to a new game called Kings Cribbage which was like a cross between Scrabble and Cribbage, totally fun. My treatment was finished early, I was not ready to stop playing.

The treatment went well no real side effects during. I was very tired from the Benedryl drip and nearly took a nap. Dani and I passed the time quickly with the games and we were on our way before I knew it. I felt so good afterwards I talked Dani into stopping for gelato on the way home.

We stopped at this little Bistro/Coffeehouse/Pizzeria over in Prescott Lakes. Can I just say my gelato and cappuccino were absolutely perfect. After our little treat we walked to the beauty school next door to book some beauty on a budget. We planned facials for Saturday and headed for home. It was a pretty fun day all things considered.

I got home and just settled in. I did my usual post chemo shower and prepared for a quiet evening. I was tired but could not sleep, probably a combination of steroids and cappuccino. I finally fell asleep around 10:30 that evening. Only to awaken around 1:00 AM to a horrible case of heart burn, which eventually lead to me puking 3 or 4 times. This would be the sick and lame part of my story. I had not experienced nausea or vomiting since my last A/C treatment. My simple mind felt I was past that part of this journey. The good news is I was able to eventually drift back off to sleep after the puking. The next day I woke up feeling pretty good and went to work.

That particular Friday was pretty busy at the restaurant. Good because we are making money and it keeps my mind off the possibility of being sick. Bad because it take a lot of concentration on my part to multitask these day. Not to mention I occasionally get whiny and think I need to be "resting" This would be the lame and lazy part of my post. The truth is the day seemed pretty manageable, I felt tired but hell what single mom isn't?

I proceeded to come home from that Friday shift around 4:00 PM. I did not leave my couch or bed until 6:00 PM on Sunday. I was completely wiped out, I heated meals out of the freezer. I slipped in and out of consciousness for 2 full days. How did I feel you wonder? Awful does not quite describe the pain that I was in. There were times that standing would cause me the most horrible bone pain, at times I was even shaky. Some moments I wanted to cry from the pain, my mind is fine and no other real symptoms so I find this "bone" pain rather irritating. It hurts so bad I can't seem to Jedi it away. Vicodin did help to take the edge off, but it was still there lingering in the back ground. Totally lame, I was so miserable I even cancelled my beauty school facial. Spending an entire weekend doing "absolutely" nothing makes me crazy. I couldn't even muster up the focus to blog.

Fortunately "this to will pass" and I rallied enough strength to go out to dinner Sunday night with a friend. For me it is always that step in the forward direction that gets me out of my cave and makes me feel like I am healing. I need to stay busy and engaged in life around me. I am only willing to give cancer so much power over my life and 2 days is my current limit, even that I give begrudgingly.

Monday it is back to work as usual, only just a tad slower, there is a certain cumulative effect of the chemo and I am thankful I have only 2 treatments to go.

Thanks for following along.....

Drink water and breathe.........

Chemo log 13 Live from Arizona Oncology

2010-09-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Live from Arizona Oncology, this place is heavy. So am I for that matter, all the steroids seem to be working. I am packing on lots of lean hard fat. The staff here is very nice, and seems quite knowledgeable. The other patients are friendly and I chat to pass some time. Small talk seems strange when everyone you are talking to is so very deep in the trenches of fighting this horrible disease. So I am feeling a little strange. The chemo makes me a little light headed, I don’t have the concentration. I am here talking to patients that are on a similar path to me, yet I am missing something.

So what is it that seems to be weighing me down? Hard to decide exactly which point is getting under my skin. Kate delivered lunch to me today. Yummy sandwich from Pangaea, followed by even better carrot cake muffinsJ I am tired but I cannot sleep. I doze a bit and then am wide awake. Time is on my mind, time to accomplish things, time to rest, time to have fun, time, time, time. I spend a lot of time in one place during treatment. I don’t have the concentration to read too much, I dose off. I whip out the net-book and my patience is at an all time low for technology. A net book is a perfect metaphor for my foggy brain. It operates sloooowly from lack of use. I think about my schedule often. Where the boys are supposed to be, where am I supposed to be?

Always the “why” follows me, I am not sure why I can’t get a handle on juggling life and cancer. I always try to return to the present moment, this is the only place I have in common with everyone else. While I am here I “drink water and breathe”, I am not here often enough. Chemo has taken me out of my body and put me somewhere in the periphery of my own existence. Reading that sentence sounds incredibly strange but I think that sums it up.

This post is almost “live from chemo”, they don’t have wireless there so I am home finishing it up. So far I feel a bit flashy, but the fog in my head seems to be clearing.

The greatest news of all is that I have completed 7 treatments I have only 3 more to go!!!!! I am thinking of raffling off my last 3 spots so if any one is interested, and wants to get in on the action just let me know.

Goodnight to all….. drink water and breathe

Chemo log 12 one hair at a time

2010-09-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

Yes I have 6 treatments under my belt with 4 more remaining. My last dose of carbo/taxol put me on the downhill slide of my scheduled chemo treatments. The last treatment was on September 2nd. The treatment was kind of uneventful. I drove myself and Jen came out with sandwiches around noon and hung out for awhile.

With out my posse captivating me, I spent the better part of the morning chatting with other patients. Really kind of touching to connect with others that have this disease. Kind of tough, the longer I do the cancer dance the more I see how many lives are affected by this horrible disease. It feels like an epidemic. I can't read the newspaper, watch TV, or just talk to someone with out the Big C word (I mean cancer:) coming up.

I have a friend close to me who was diagnosed with breast cancer in August, she is 38. She underwent a bi-lateral mastectomy on September 10th. The only thing that comes to my mind is WTF!!!!! She is surrounded by love, and is doing very well after surgery. It feels like a dream to me that we are both facing this disease at the same time in our lives. Chemotherapy will start for her towards the end of the month. It seems like a life time ago when I was at this point in my cancer fight.

On the soccer field on Saturday I met the mother of a friend and she is a breast cancer survivor. She has recently finished 3 years worth of treatments and reconstruction. I wanted to rejoice for this woman. I was so happy that she was at this point in her battle and doing so well.

In the oncologists office, I run into a friend and she is with another woman that is at the beginning of her cancer treatment. We talk about Dr. Vu, port placement and general office gossip. I don't even know what kind of cancer she has. I know that she has been very sick and will start treatment soon.

Another friend had her final breast implants put in this last weekend (hip,hip, hooray). This however is not the end of treatment for her as her breast cancer is metastatic. She is starting a new journey into the world of 2nd opinions to see if there are better treatment options for her and her family.

There is another mother at my son's pre-school who is a breast cancer survivor also. I haven't spoke with her at length. I know that she has completed some treatment, surgery and reconstruction. Her hair is pretty short and things seem very recent for her.

I guess cancer is wearing me down. I feel like it is stripping me down one hair at a time. Loosing my eyebrows is starting to change my face. Losing my eyelashes is allowing dirt and dust to get in my eyes. Losing my nose hairs (not so bad visually) is allowing me to inhale all sorts of irritants. The weekend after treatment I had pretty severe bone pain. This pain was not attributed to the nuelasta shot as I did not receive it this last time. I am stiff and tired most of the time. All my ranting reminds me of a quote I read in a Pema Chodron book "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us." This is not the 1st time in my life that this quote has brought me peace. There is so much learning and loving that comes hand in hand with this disease. Though I am surrounded by love the majority of this journey is a solitary one.

Thank you for being here with me, drink water and breathe...............

Chemo log 11 my first dose of carbo/ taxol

2010-08-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

The week of August 9th was packed full of events. Corbin started 1st grade, Mason started his new pre-school and I started my next round of chemo with my very 1st dose of carboplaten and taxol. It is completely appropriate that the first week of school have all this chaos. Life is busy and I am thankful for every moment. Here are my two beautiful boys on their 1st day of school.

Part of me loves to get back to the routine. I love to see the boys learning and growing. School is that place where my boys start building their own lives and I am enjoying watching their minds just take it all in. I however am not a fan of the morning rush to get us all to our destinations in a timely manner. I probably say "quick, quick" a million times every morning. My schedule is pretty tight from the moment I leave the house until we return around 3:00. The good news is it leaves us plenty of time in the afternoons and evenings for homework, dinner and even a little fun.

My first dose of carbo/taxol was on 9/12. My dear friend Jen went along for all the chemo fun. This new regime was suppose to take 4 hours. I factored for 5 hours just in case something came up. We arrive a little before nine and I am the only one in the whole place for awhile. I let the nurses know that I am on a tight schedule and would they plug me in as quickly as possible. I don't start treatment until 9:30.....I don't have much wiggle room. I remind them again that I really need to be on my way by 2:15 at the latest. It is not only me, but Jen has to be home to get her kids off the bus and we only have one car. I tell myself to breathe as I get hooked up to the pre-meds.

I think I start off with a giant dose of Benadryl. This could either wind me up or make me drowsy. The purpose of this drug is to lower the chances of my body having an allergic reaction to the chemical that the taxol is suspended in. I really love the sound of that, so during the drip drip drip of the Benadryl I start wondering if my body is going to have some freak reaction to the next IV. Nothing like feeling the anxiety build, this 5 hour tour is off to a great start.

The pre-meds go off with out a hitch. Now I get to see if I am going to have a reaction, they start the drip off sloooow, and I mean slow. Seriously Jen and I are watching and there is a good 20 seconds between drips. I of course call a nurse to make sure it is working properly, she reports yes, they speed it up in stages to make sure you don't have a reaction. I am a practical person, and this little bit makes no sense to me. This was like slowly taking my IV up to cruising speed for fear of a reaction. It apparently takes 2 hours for the drip to be advanced to its maximum rate. Great, I am not going to be finished until around 3:15. Time to call in reinforcements to pick-up the boys, and get Jen back to town. Thankfully Kate had a free hour to drive to PV and pick up Jen. They in turn helped with the boys and aunt Dan-Dan stepped in to help too. I love how the chaos just works out and I am so blessed to have the help of some really wonderful people.

Physically the treatment seems fine. I get my nuelasta shot on the way out the door, this is suppose to boost my white blood cells after treatment. I head home around 3:30 my kids are there waiting for me and I am worn out. I never know if it is the chemicals or the emotional toll that is so exhausting. I put something easy together for dinner and I turn in early with the boys. However, this treatment gave me insomnia, though I am completely tuckered out I can not sleep. My mind is zooming with all the toxins in my blood and sleep eludes me until about 2:00 AM.

I rise and shine the next morning and get the kids to school and myself to work. I don't feel that horrible, just dead tired from no sleep and there is a little chemo-fog in my brain. I make it through the day without any serious side effects. Towards late afternoon I start to slow down, by evening I am ready to collapse and the bone pain sets in. That's right my bones hurt, and joints too. This could be a side effect of the chemo or the neulasta. I spend the entire weekend on aleve and advil. The anti-inflammatories barely manages the pain, every step I took was very tender. At least I wasn't throwing up too, so I do have that going for me.

By the following Monday the pain had subsided. My energy levels seemed to be returning quickly. I start to feel pretty good. I have been walking in the evenings with the boys and the exercise helps clear my head. I am at this point with my physical body where I don't know how to read the signs very well. My joints hurt and I wake up stiff everyday. I am not sure if it is from the added activity, or the medicine. Like so many question I probably will never know.

Another side effect of the new chemo is that I am starting to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. The fallout is slow but definitely happening. These two features are way more important then the hair on your scalp. It will be interesting to see what my face is like without them. I can always draw on eyebrows, but I have never been really good at this with my eyebrows as guides. The results could be a little scary. In the end all the hair will come back. I am grateful everyday that my body is coping with all the medicine as well as it is.

Tomorrow I am off to Scottsdale to see Dr. Berardi for the final check on my expanders. We are thankfully up to size and I will not have to be making all these trips to Phoenix every week. I will have to live with these uncomfortable expanders until probably sometime in December when my permanent implants will be put in. Hooray for new boobs, I never thought that Santa would be putting those in my stocking. Jen is going to the Valley with me tomorrow so I will have some company, and we get to go out for a nice lunch.

Thursday 9/2 I am scheduled to receive my 2nd dose of carbo/taxol. It seems like this ride just doesn't slow down. One minute I am at the Dr. for a lump and the next minute I am here, halfway through treatment for cancer. Wild, at this hour it feels kind of like a dream, I have travelled into the unknown for the better part of this year and I am still on that train going full speed. I guess that doesn't make me so different from anyone else. We all move forward into the unknown, all we can do is enjoy today.

I am thankfully up to the present.

Drink water and breathe.....

The pressure grows....to get current

2010-08-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

I am full of good intentions. I want to maintain my blog, I want to keep it somewhat current, I want to share so much.....alas I am limited on time. So I am going to summarize a bit............

San Diego was an amazing trip. The boys absolutely loved Legoland, I think the small fortune spent was worth the experience for all of us. My family needed the break, summer in Prescott had been long and hot. This fight with cancer had taken it's toll on all of us and we needed to just step out and have some fun. No therapy is more healing then an ocean breeze and roller coasters. I wonder why I don't escape there more often? The drive is pretty easy and the city offers so many different things to do.

Our return to Prescott was very hectic. We came home on a Saturday (7/31), my left breast mound had deflated considerably by this time. I realized it was a SITUATION so I called the doctor as soon as we got home. I needed to know what options I was facing because of the leak. My optimistic brain was thinking maybe he could just wave my CHI flattening iron over the mound to seal the leak until I was ready for my permanent implants. No way, no quick fix for me I was going to have to have the implant removed and replaced during an outpatient procedure. All I can think is are you kidding me (with maybe a few expletives thrown in). I of course need to see him first thing Monday morning so that he can confirm it is leaking. So I drive to Phoenix with the boys, they really wanted to get back in the car so soon after San Diego. Dr. Berardi of course confirms the leak and schedules outpatient surgery for the next day, efficiency is an irritating blessing.

I rush back to Prescott because I need to meet the director at Mason's new pre-school that afternoon. School is starting the following week and there are last minute details to attend to. Then we rush over to Aunt Dan-Dan's new apartment and try to help out with the move in any way we can. This means I get to hang all the clothes in the closet, no heavy lifting for me (cancer does have some perks). The boys mean while play underfoot of all the guys lifting furniture up the never ending stairs to her new apartment. We are a very handy family so if anyone needs help moving do be sure to call. After about an hour of aggravating the happy movers to the brink I head home to wrap my head around yet another out-patient procedure.

I am so blessed to have good friends. On less then 24 hours notice I get my friend Shelly to watch the boys for the day. She is truly an angel as this required me dropping the boys off at 6:45 AM, all you mothers out there know the power behind this gift. My friend Chris offers to drive me down and bring me back, also on a days notice. I tell my mom that I have to extend my vacation a bit and she gets everyone to cover my shifts at the restaurant and I am good to go.

Initially when I found out I was going to have to go through this I was pretty pissed off. Like I really needed one more bump in the road. Then that feeling of acceptance that I have been cultivating came over me. I was 3 weeks out from my last A/C chemo, and I was feeling stronger then I have since my original surgery. If I was going to have to go in for surgery it might as well have been then. I had the week off to recover and deal with any last minute school details, really not such a bad turn of events.

Surgery went off without a hitch. I was out for a couple of hours and woke up to my breast mound being almost back to its normal size. I had a giant ace bandage wrapped around my bust and midsection. When I say giant it must be 20 ft. long by 6 inches wide. Now this detail kind of freaks me out. I can barely bandage myself with this thing while standing. The mental image I get of nurses wrapping this around my naked body all limp from anesthesia is almost more then I can handle. Medicine is a very complex field and the details just make me shiver....

I vomit once in the car ride home, to much gingerale doesn't go well with anesthesia, add the 115 degree weather outside and I didn't have a chance. I think I sleep to Cordes Junction, and by the time I get home I am starting to feel okay. I am a little sore, nothing a few vicodin won't fix. Shelly brings the boys home another saving grace. Let the healing begin.....again.....

I was scheduled to start my next round of chemo drugs on Thursday 8/5 (two days after surgery). That Thursday morning I arrive at the oncologists office, tired but kind of prepared to receive treatment. He informs me that he is going to postpone treatment for another week. This is one of those bits of news that I love/hate. I love that I feel so good and get another week off. I hate that it means yet one more week until I am finished with putting these chemicals into my body. Whatever, there is nothing I can do about it.

What is it I am suppose to say oh yeah....drink water and breathe.....

We finally arrive in San Diego

2010-08-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am getting closer to the present and we have officially arrived in San Diego……

Our plan was to arrive with enough time on Wednesday to allow for some beach time. We checked into the hotel and there was some type of mix-up our 1^st room had a king size bed. That was not going to work we needed 2 doubles, the boys were way to big for all of us to fit. The room got sorted out in about a half-hour. The room was beautiful over looking the marina. I forget how green the plants are when you are near the ocean giant birds of paradise were everywhere on the grounds. The weather was cool and overcast a nice break from the summer weather in Prescott.

I ask directions to the beach from the young surfer bell-hop and he quickly has us on our way to Ocean Beach. Timing is everything and ours is great we get beach front parking and it is official we have arrived. The boys change into their swim trunks in the back of the mini-van (extra point for the mini). There is a sandwich shop across the way where we grab some sandwiches and more caffine and we head to the beach.

The day is sunny, windy, and absolutely freezing. The kids of course do not care they are jumping and playing in the waves. If the beach was not full of others doing the same thing I would have had the boys heads examined. None of that matters though there is something completely joyful and rejuvenating about being on the ocean. I could spend the rest of my life sitting on any beach watching my boys play, this is what it is all about.

We stayed at the beach for a couple hours and headed back to the Island Palms. The Blue Wave restaurant had a bottled wine special and the kids could eat for free, things always have a way of coming together. My plan was to not think about my leaking implant and have fun.

Drink water and breathe....

Legoland here we come...............

2010-08-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, those of you who don't have kids wouldn't understand. But, Legoland is a big deal for my little boys. Corbin my oldest and is a HUGE fan of all things Lego. My family desperately needed a vacation the last few months have been pretty tough. This trip would not have been possible but for my friend Chris who helped out with accommodations and Aunt Dan-Dan who drove with us and waited in every line with us. There is also another huge group of people, my Prescott Mom's Community that have given so much to my family to allow for me to take this trip with out an extraordinary amount of financial stress. To every body that has given me any kind of support on the journey thank you................

One knows that they have aged or rounded a significant corner in their life when, you want to borrow a mini-van for vacation. Now I do have cancer and have undergone a chemo regime that may have altered my cranial chemical composition some how. None the less I found my self swapping my SUV for my mom's minivan for the Legoland trip. I had visions of the kids being towards the back, and Dani and I being able to walk back give them snack, settle any disputes, maybe even have a press conference, kind of like air force one, only a tad smaller. The minivan had lots of potential and I was anticipating it being a vital new member of our trip.

The mini arrives and the seats are in the two forward positions. Not exactly the plan, but oh well, the boys will be closer to me for the 7 hour car ride, I like intimacy. The cargo area is vast and as we are only going for 3 nights, loading the car is a breeze. The perfect excuse to pack absolutely everything you don't need, because you have the room. What the vehicle did lack was some kind of fabulous organizational tower that might fit between the two captains chairs to hold transformers, legos and all of the other kid entertainment in a tidy fashion.

My SUV had this perfect catch all, it was known as the back seat. The bench would function as shelf, storing all manor of toys in a delightful pile. Then it would transform to net, when they would take up a game of back seat tennis throwing various toy back and forth to each other. I don't advocate this particular game and toys have only been thrown one time in the backseat by my children EVER..... The bench can also become the wall, the boys when on each others nerves can pile things on the bench high enough to prevent them from touching each other. That's right the backseat of the SUV would allow for the boy to be a little more hands on, they could actually reach out and touch each other, a definite need for brother to brother antagonizing.

The final word SUV vs. Minivan, for this particular trip not so important. If we had it for last years 12 day National Park trip it would have made a huge difference. That would be my practical opinion, or perhaps I am not of an age yet that can fully appreciate the benefits of the minivan.

The minivan was loaded the evening of July 27th. We scheduled a departure of time of around 6:ish. When I vacation I add the ish so I don't feel like we are on a grueling fun "schedule". Getting up two hours earlier then normal is bad enough, I would hate to have the added pressure of being right on time. Thankfully Dani appreciates and understands that this open time line makes for way less stress when traveling.

The official departure time is 6:45 on the morning of July 28th, I have made bagel sandwiches for the road and we are off. The morning is cool, overcast and peaceful. I love traveling on days like this not to bright just calming. The first "How much longer until we get to San Diego?" rang out around 6:48 AM. We fielded this question with the utmost patience for the remaining 6 hours and 57 minutes. The actual number of times can not be reported in the blog as I don't want to negatively impact my readership.

The 1st stop was Quartzite. Sleepy, blazing hot desert community, that apparently is a mecca for the snowbirds. I have never been through when the snowbirds are in, but I have witnessed remnants of there nesting. They are empty plots of lands with about a 100+ APS poles sticking out of the ground in some kind of grid format. The high end ones have a cement slab with pole, the lower rents just have a little desert floor, "bring your own turf" is on the flyer. This vacant RV park is usually arranged around some type of office/clubhouse/mini-mart/bar/restaurant. The signs usually read "Best HH 2$ ritas", "Pasta dinner 5$", "STK dinner $7.95, free coffee", "Dancing Sat. nite". Perhaps this is the birthplace of texting? These cultural hubs are what truly fascinates me about Quartzite, I am so curious about what the hell goes on in these places. Someday when I am limited on material I may blog about the mysteries in the desert. What about the giant rusted fishing pole? I could go on and on. Our stop is not at any of these wonderful mysterious places as they are "CLOSED, for season".

We stop at McDonald's. The All American chain/rest-stop for my family. Thankfully they are only serving breakfast and I don't have to buy my kids a happy-meal just to secure the latest in Marvel Comic characters recently released from their Chinese prison. It is crowded and funky, and not in a good way. We escape with only purchasing a large carbonated beverage for the next push to Yuma.

We are drawn across the street however by a sign, large and painted by an elementary school child that reads "REALLY GOOD JERKY". I have to find out who thinks this? and who writes signs like this? and jerky after all is a road trip staple. We take our lives into our own hands by walking across that 6 lane road in Quartzite, nothing says vacation like 18 wheeler leap frog. Before we enter the building we go into this Arizona Bedouin style shop, that has all manor of things. Dani buys a sun hat for $3. Every thing you would need to fix or accessorize an RV is under one of these tarp constructed buildings, also enough tarps for you to start up a desert gift shop of your own. I really wanted a yard frog on a metal stake whose arms wobbled in the wind, but I refused to part with my 5 spot so early in the vacation.

Next stop jerky shop, it had quite possibly the coldest air conditioning my little bald head had felt.....ever. Kind of felt like a meat locker now that I think about it. One wall was filled with all manor of dried meat. Another wall was filled with over priced candies. The final wall was filled with all types of marinated olives, I have never wanted a martini so bad at 9:30 AM in my life. If there had been rows of vodka behind the cash register I would completely understand why snowbirders come here, this is mecca. Alas these are not my vodka days so we stocked up on "provisions" and hit the road. By the way if you are passing through Quartzite, and you are in to that sort of thing, the sign was right "REALLY GOOD JERKY".

Now I must blog rush to get to the present I seem to be slipping....farther and farther behind......

Drink water and breathe.....

Another speed bump.......

2010-08-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

You may notice that I am playing blog catch up, apologies for not staying current I am not lacking in things to share just time to get to the keyboard.

I should get up to the present in the next few posts, this was the last week of July.

It took a few days to bounce back from my last A/C treatment. Then I began to notice something was not right with my left breast mound. I initially wrote it off to changes because of the infection I had earlier in July. It looked a little smaller then the right. They have been noticeably different due to tissue loss because of the excisional biopsy. It seemed even a little smaller then normal, I of course do not want to believe this. So I have to make some choices, do I call my Dr. or do nothing until I come home? There was no sign of infection, no redness or fever. The implant is filled with saline, I have been injected with it regularly in the last 4 months. I felt good, and what was the Dr. going to do? I doubted he would be able to patch an expander in my chest, I figured he was going to want to remove it. What if he couldn't put a new one in? Would I have to start expansion all over again? I so did not need to deal with this when I should be going to Legoland. So I decided to go on vacation and deal with the breast mound when I got back.

Sometimes you have got to go for fun..............I just told myself it was going to be fine, it's only saline.
drink water and breathe...........

Chemo log 10 my final A/C

2010-08-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have blogged not that I don't have lots to share I haven't been able to find my way to the keyboard.

On July 14th I received my final Adriamycin/Cytoxin treatment. Dr. Vu okayed me for treatment even though my immune levels were a little low. I was very happy to receive treatment as this would allow for my vacation plans with the boys. This treatment was very different from the 3 previous treatments. The first 3 treatments seemed more like "cafe" treatments, me and a girl friend chatting, playing games, with the occasional interruption from the chemo nurse to change drugs.

I was at the end of my chemo cycle and apparently was really worn out. This treatment started with my port not functioning properly for a blood draw. This regularly happens with my port, so I wait for the lab nurse to draw my blood. I was the 1st patient there, during the time they try to draw my blood out of my port a line forms for the lab nurse. Are you kidding me?? Now I have to patiently wait for her to stick a needle in my arm. The chemo nurse volunteers to draw my blood to expedite the process. What the hell, I am all for efficiency. Now Julie seems like a competent nurse so I am not more anxious then usual until I see the beads of sweat on her brow. I gently remind her that I am terrified of needles and would she please be extra careful. I swear she pulled out my arm and closed her eyes and jabbed! She of course completely missed my vein which is the size of the Mississippi River, so she leaves the needle in my arm for about 10 seconds. I think she thought that my vein might magically jump over the 1/2 inch and pierce itself on the end of the needle. I finally told her to remove the needle and I would wait for the regular lab nurse to draw my blood.

We were not off to a good start. When I finally get plugged in and treatment begins, I just find myself very emotional. My eyes had been tearing occasionally and I thought it was a result of treatment. I later blamed it on my excessive use of sunblock. On this day I think it was a combination of sunblock and emotions. My final treatment of A/C was a milestone. I was one weary traveler, this was the end of my six weeks of this particular medicine coursing through my veins. Hard to explain it Kate and I just sat and chatted for the duration of my treatment and I found myself tearing up the entire afternoon. It seems like I had saved just enough energy for this treatment and I was done. I was not taken over by overwhelming sadness just a tender sorrow that I can't quite explain. I felt fragile, and my body did too. I didn't think I could physically handle one more of these treatments. The clincher is that I haven't had it so bad, some people SUFFER through this. I was definitely off my mental chemo game.

Kate and I went to lunch after chemo, Indian food....................hmmmm sounds like it might not be the best idea. Kate dropped me off after lunch where I began to sleep it off. Thank heavens for my air conditioner I would not have survived this summer with out it. I crawled into bed and began napping. I woke up to some severe nausea around 5:00, at which point I threw up all of my lunch, the Indian food was certainly not a good idea. I took a pill drank some water and crawled back into bed. This was as bad as it has been. I felt like I was at maximum toxicity, in my mind I could smell the toxins running through my body. I just kept guzzling water and hoping that it would stop.

It took me a couple of days to bounce back from that treatment. I did however get clearance for vacation with my next type of chemo not starting until the 1st week in August. Time to heal, take my own advice and drink water and breathe.....

Look out Legoland here we come.

Chemo log 9 - boob alert

2010-07-11T03:53:00.000-07:00

I have under my skin one unhappy expander. The tale begins Thursday July 8th, around 10:00 AM. My visit was anything but routine, this was my first visit to see him with the boys and no other adult. The kids would have to go with me to my appointment and either hang out in the waiting room or go in to see the Doctor with me. *******Quick note to all the people who have volunteered there time to help, this schedule change was totally last minute I really didn't even have time to whip out the phone numbers********I really didn't mind the idea of taking the boys to Phoenix for the day, it seems like they are growing up so fast, summer is going to be over before we know it . I am however terrified that maybe for what ever reason, their behavior during my 20 minute office visit could leave a lasting impression on the Doctor's office or staff, and not in a good way. The ride down was pretty peaceful and I prepped the boys for what exactly would be expected of them. They are very smart and knew exactly what kind of behavior I was looking for. We get to Phoenix and it is 112 degrees with monsoon humidity weighing heavy in the air. This is my anti-climate, not only do I hate the heat but I start to suffocate with all the moisture. I feel like a rat that has to scurry as quickly as possible from space to space. The time it takes to help the kids get out of the car becomes impossibly long. The walk to the office building is the 1st half of my marathon, the second would be returning.

We enter into the Medical Complex, greeted by that friend to all air-conditioning. The elevator ride is always a highlight for the boys and they take turns pushing the buttons. We enter the office and the strategy is divide and conquer. Corbin is to sit tight in the waiting room, armed with his LEGO Starwars book. Mason is to come back with me to my fill. Mason and I go back when the nurse calls. I am not really sure how this part is going to go. I have done this fill thing so much, but not with my little boy. I remind myself that this is a medical journey, one that the boys are on as well. There is more fear in the unknown for myself as well as them. I put on the robe, Mason instantly asks "Are you going to take a nap mommy?". I could of sure used one at that moment. We wait together like every Doctor visit of his life, this is really not so different. Dr. Berardi arrives in a few minutes with the saline, we have our customary chat. He and I are not in 100% agreement on when to stop filling the expanders. I want small and perky, his vision is somewhat larger.

The fill goes pretty much as scheduled. Mason asks a few questions, "Does it hurt Mommy?", "Why does it look like a bow and arrow? (the butterfly used for the fill)", "Does that make them bigger?" We are all sitting in the room and chatting, Dr. Berardi makes a comment like " It's like filling up water balloons." Mason thinks that is hilarious, and he feels very big for being a part of this. After my fill Dr. B notices my left breast mound is kind of red and splotchy. He didn't seem to notice it at the start of the fill. I wasn't to worried, I told him I walked through an inferno to get to the office, and my general Dr.'s office anxiety was probably heightened with both the boys being with me. He asked me if I had any chills or felt feverish??? Not really, I leave with orders to watch for redness, fever and chills.

The boys and I stop for lunch at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. I start to feel horrible, food doesn't taste good, it's hot I am tired. I try to relax and get the boys to eat. We then make a quick stop at the import store for mom, and we start heading home around 12:00. We have to stop in North Phoenix for a bathroom break, great, it's only a 112 outside. I check my breast there and it is red and hot. I tell myself to calm down it is only the heat and I drive home. We arrived home around 3:00, I am completely spent. Thankfully my friend Dani is at my apartment when we get home and she helps my unload the car. I go directly to the couch and take my temperature 99.5. I call the Dr.'s office and he immediately calls in a prescription for an antibiotic. Dani to the rescue, she goes to the pharmacy to pick-up my prescription and a pizza for dinner. I call my oncologist to make sure the new prescription will not interfere with my chemo. It's official I am under the weather, I call in sick to work for Friday. Then I begin to sit and try to get better............ I have really been doing to much of this.

This is the first health scare since I have recovered from my original surgeries. My temperature hit 101.5 at one point and that is the magic number where they hospitalize chemo patients. I really didn't want to be admitted to the hospital, who ever really does? I also did not want to delay my next chemo, that was scheduled for the following Wednesday. Then of course there is the worst case scenario with the expander infection, that of course would be removing the expander and starting the whole process over............... This very serious course of medical events caused me to hunker down and heal. How exactly do you do that? The only things that seem to work are take your medicine, sleep, eat, drink water, and breathe (of course). Seriously it's like trying to sit around and watch my hair grow. Very boring with a side of dull. By Saturday (7/10) my infection had not improved enough my Dr. put me on and additional antibiotic. My friend Jen came over and helped clean my apartment, fortunately for me cleaning is not on the list of how to heal quickly. Later her husband and boys came over for a little swim, and to hang out with my boys. I appreciate the help and the company as do my kids. I am well enough to sit around and do a little something, just not much. Jen invited us over for a little BBQ for dinner, very casual, food and trampoline time for the boys. I have become that dinner guest, the one that eats and will take my dish to the kitchen but no longer am able to help with the clean-up. Jen and Danny don't seem to mind and their help to my family is priceless.

By Sunday (7/11) my infection seemed to be receding. I know this because I was told to outline my infection with a sharpie so that I could monitor it better. My fever had been managed with Tylenol, but the redness in the skin was still there and it was still hot to the touch. Once again, another day of laying low with the kids, waiting to get better.

Monday (7/12) I took my second trip to Phoenix in 5 days. I am told to pack a bag in the event that I need to be hospitalized because of my infection. The next line of defense is IV antibiotics....hmmm thanks but no thanks. Luckily Dr. B feels like the oral antibiotics are working, I need to take them for 14 consecutive days, I can handle that. He is however not sure whether I should have Chemo on Wednesday. I am suppose to talk with my oncologist and see how he feels. More medical wondering on my part. I am determined to get this A/C Chemo under my belt, it is the last of this type and I have scheduled our summer vacation for the last week of July in hopes that I will be strong enough to handle the rigors of LEGOLAND.

Tuesday I return to work after what seems like the longest weekend of my life. My day is pretty ordinary and I have very little stamina after such a sedentary weekend. I just keep thinking, heal, heal, heal, I really want to have chemo on Wednesday......what a mantra but treatment makes you feel that way.

Wednesday (7/14) finally arrives and Kate is my chemo buddy. I am scheduled at 8:30 in the morning. I have a power-port in my chest which is used to administer the chemo and draw blood. It seems whenever they try to draw blood it doesn't work. Drawing my blood is the first course of events, so the Dr. can go over the results and give me the yea or ney for treatment. There is the usual attempt to draw blood via my port. Followed by me waiting for the lab nurse to draw my blood conventionally. This part makes me anxious, even typing about it makes me gaggy and nauseated. One nurse tried to draw my blood and missed the vein.........aaargh.............I don't have the stamina for this. Not to mention it is pretty painful. Finally the regular lab nurse draws my blood, slight prick and I focus on other things and it is pretty much over. The whole time I am praying please let me have treatment today, please let me have treatment today.

Drink water and breathe.....................

Chemo log 8 crummies in the tummies

2010-07-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

It is official I finally puked. My third chemo treatment has left me weak. The schedule was a little mixed up this week due to the holiday weekend. I received treatment on Wednesday (6/30) instead of the usual Thursday treatment. Thursday seems to be a better plan as it allows for me to only have one day of work post-treatment, followed by two days at home to recover. This week I was scheduled to work Thursday and Friday after treatment. Thursday was okay, I was definitely moving slow but I didn't have that burning desire to just lay down. Friday on the other hand was another story. I woke up to my morning cup of super strong java, and I just couldn't get moving. I sipped my coffee slowly and finally headed upstairs to get dressed. By the time I finished with my make-up, I started to get a little belchy. The next thing I know I am throwing up my cup of coffee. Fortunately I felt a little better after and decided that I would try to work. I popped a nausea pill, which I don't like to do because they make you drowsy and I headed to work. I never managed to get the momentum necessary to make it through this day. I tried to drink the crummies away with tons of water. I tried to eat the crummies away and nothing seemed to help. I ended up leaving a couple of hours early. The drive from Chino Valley to Prescott was perhaps the longest drive of my life, all I wanted was my bed and pillow. Upon arriving home I crawled into my air conditioned bed room only to sleep the sleep of a sick person.

The sleep was fitful, full of discomfort but the kind that is on the cellular level. It is hard to explain how I feel, not quite feverish, just generally unwell. The only thing that seems to help is time. I basically slept from about 3:oo until the next morning. I awoke Saturday feeling much better.

I forced myself to rally Saturday morning and take the kids to the 4th of July parade. I was on the fence whether I should go or not. The parade is usually steaming hot, a big no no for chemo patients and lots of sunshine another big no no. We would of course have to walk there and back and I don't have the strength to carry a kid if necessary. It seems like I am always having this conversation with myself "relax take care of yourself" or "live a little", I opted for the live. I made sure to stroll slowly to the parade. The weather was absolutely perfect, a slight breeze prevented us from overheating, and a sunhat that was more like a personal umbrella protected me from those wretched UV rays. I have these great beach chairs that sit low and have backpack straps, I packed down one for me and the boys carried our picnic blanket down for them to sit on. We took down some snacks and a couple bottles of water and were ready to jump in on the festivities. We found a little gap in people across the street from Cupper's which seems to be the general area I have always viewed this particular parade. We settled in and began spectating. Parade watching is one of my favorite spectator sports, you wave, you clap, you stand for military veterans, you cheer, you laugh, you get to see all our politicians and if your really lucky they will give you toothbrushes with there names printed on one side with "God Bless America" on the other. I don't really know what it is about parades that touches my heart, maybe it's the participants putting it out there to be a part of this community??? I love to see all the families come out to watch. I love the propaganda, I got a reminder to sign the boys up for soccer(I actually need this), an invitation to a gem show (free rocks for the kids), flyer for the Prescott BBQ days (I didn't even know this existed) and flyers and stickers for every politician running for office anywhere in the state of AZ. I love that they want to shake your hand, and that they want your vote. Now mind you I am not that easy and it takes more then a handshake to get my vote. I like to size up the politician, and the posse he brings with him. I could go on and on with my political parade theories but that is all they are theories. JD Hayworth was one of the heavy hitters for the parade this time around, and he looked even less trustworthy in the flesh. It takes a lot for him to pull that off but he managed it, I of course would have denied the handshake if I had been given the opportunity, but graciously accepted the toothbrush :) Then there is the candy thrown at the spectators, the kids love this part. The boys wave their American flags frantically anytime some one comes by with a basket of something in hopes that they will have candy. Once they get the attention of the very red faced parade walker, sometimes said person will run over for the candy hand-off, these are usually mature parade people who realize that hard candy can be lethal if thrown. Then there are the younger parade participants who just toss the candy in the general direction of random spectators, generally these tosses land a few feet shy and there is a frantic mob of children scrambling for any treasures. They are treasures for certain a blueberry dum-dum some how tastes better when bounced of the pavement. There is of course a certain amount of risk with being a spectator. My boys have scrambled out past the safe zone for a lone piece of candy, only to have a parade volunteer reprimand me about the dangers of large animals, and slow moving vehicles possibly squishing my children. It's a chance we take though, year after year. Parades are also about the anticipation, you never know what's coming down the road next and the Prescott 4th of July Parade is two full hours of fun.

I kind of went off on a little tangent there......

Did I mention it is also very important to drink water and breathe................

Chemo log 7 hair, hair, every where

2010-06-29T02:47:00.000-07:00

I am nearing the end of my second chemo cycle. Time has a way a going at warp speed. Blogging seems to be something I just fantasize about having time for. I am lucky my symptoms do not seem to be too severe at this point in my treatment. Sleepless nights and the need for naps seem to be the greatest side effects thus far, logic tells me these two go hand in hand. I will check with my doctor this week about being able to take natural sleep aids like melatonin or magnesium.

Adjusting to life without hair has been rather smooth. I have taken to going out with just my bald head, it is also way to hot. One benefit of no hair is never waking up with a bad hair day. The downsize to shaving my head is that a very short stubble remained, maybe around an 1/8 of an inch. Some how I reasoned in my brain that cutting it short might prevent me from losing this hair. What it actually prevented was me watching longer pieces of my hair making this mass exodus from my head. I guess for my psyche and plumbing that is a good thing. The fact remains that I had a full head of stubble falling out (currently 1/2 remains). This stubble has transformed into splinters of dark coarse Asian hair that I need to remove from my body and clothes with a lint brush. The ironic part is that my thinning hair feels like a Velcro patch, that's right folks anything I put on my head clings to my hair in a weird and uncomfortable way. This makes bandanas and hats feel strange too. If I lay on my pillow "against the grain" of my hair it tugs and pulls. I also have a new super power, it's like "spidey sense", my head is a giant cluster of nerve endings that have never really been exposed to a wide variety of sensations, maybe it's like my third eye. My first shampoo was down right erotic, every draft breeze, or heat pocket I sense immediately. Sunblock has been added to my morning routine, my newly exposed scalp gets a dose of 55 SPF, I can't begin to imagine how horrible a sunburn would be. According to Dr. Vu I should be avoiding the sun altogether, my chemo makes me susceptible to "very ugly brown spots" that can occur from the sun. He repeated this phrase to Jen and I multiple times at my last visit so he must be very serious about it, I will just have to take him at his word.

I went swimming for the first time since my surgery. I didn't really swim I just prepared my arms for the idea of swimming. The amount of changes my chest and shoulder muscles have gone through became very apparent. Not only do I have my own personal flotation devices, the muscles all around my expander's are SOOOO tight. Dr. Berardi put 100 cc into my right expander which makes us even, sort of. There is less tissue on this side so the implant sits higher. All I want is balance the only way I am going to achieve this is through some very painful massage. The recent fill left me in so much muscle pain I had to take a percocet just to be able to sleep. I could barely bend over to tie my shoes. Now knowing my body as intimately as I do I think some of the pain I had post-surgery was due to the expanders and reconstruction. This stretching of the pectoral muscle over my implant caused a lot of the pain I had getting in and out of bed. For me the pros still out way the cons of reconstruction directly after mastectomy. My breast mounds still have my skin (less the nipples) over them, I look down and see familiar moles some how they are comforting. I do however feel my physical recovery from the surgeries may have gone quicker had I not elected to have reconstruction. Emotionally the expanders have given me the freedom from mastectomy undergarments and prosthetics. This meant for me an easier time accepting all the changes in my body. There is a higher risk for complications due to infection with the expanders, all things one needs to think about when making a decision like this. I never thought about any of this when I made the decisions for my surgery. I wanted to streamline everything and figured my body would figure it out. I got lucky, my surgical team encouraged this route and it turned out to be the right path for me. The great news is my trips to Phoenix will be reduced, I am almost up to my desired "size" and will not need to expand much more.

Enough for now I need to get some sleep.............

catch up on some blogging, drink water and breathe.......

Chemo log 6 so much for my hair

2010-06-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of hair, probably twice as much as the average person. If I only lost half of my hair through chemo, then I could theoretically have enough left over for what would be a reasonable head of hair. I am not however able to deal with the constant shedding and that shedding began Friday morning. I gave my hair an ever so gentle tug and about 20 strands were in my hand. I tried the other side 20 or so more strands. I hopped in the shower and gently washed it and my hands were just coated with hair.

I was faced with yet another step in this cancer journey. I was going to have to cut my hair off. Not until the afternoon though after my friend dropped off the clippers. I gently styled my hair and sprayed it with a ton of hairspray so that it would not fall out throughout the day. It was my last day with hair for a few months.

I didn't think I would mind to much, but it kind of bothered me a bit. My head has not seen daylight ever, I was born with a head of hair. What if I looked hideous? Just another initiation into this club called cancer. I am growing weary of all the steps.

My friends Dani and Matt came over to do the deed. I was nervous, but the thought of cleaning up all this hair that was falling out, made me realize there is no time like the present. So I held my head over a trash bag while my friend Matt did the honors. Dani took pictures and it was over in about 8 minutes. I was sure my head was going to look like Darth Vader's at the end of Return of the Jedi when Luke takes his fathers helmet off. My head is quite even, I kind of look monkish. It is quite liberating to have no hair. I have a lot of options for wigs, scarves and wraps. I may just go out with nothing. Here are some pictures for you all to see....

You will note Matt has a twisted grin on him face after shaving my head, Millie and Vanillie are always a nice look, and then of course there is "little cancer on the prarie".........

Drink water and breathe..........

Chemo log 5 hair today and gone tomorrow

2010-06-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

Life has been BUSY..........My friend Diane has been here from Minnesota, the boys have had Dr.'s appointments, I have had Dr.'s Appointments, work of course at the restaurant it is non-stop fun.

The boys are healthy and fine Corbin is growing so much. He actually did a portion of his wellness check-up without me and totally chatted with Dr. Moyer like a big boy, I guess six is officially big.

The American Cancer Society sponsered a "look good, feel good class" that I attended last Wednesday. They gave out tons of awesome make-up. I met many women in various stages of cancer. We all did little make-overs with all our new product and then tried on wigs and hair wraps. Girly nights are fun even if the women all have cancer. When my treatment is complete I may try to volunteer, in some capacity to an organization like this. Feeling good about yourself is just another powerful tool in the fight against cancer.

Thursday morning I made a quick trip to Scottsdale to see Dr. Berardi. Diane was able to go down with me which made it so much more fun. She got to meet the famous Dr. Berardi. I am within 100cc of balance on the boob front. The stretching is getting to be more and more uncomfortable. I will probably max out around 500 cc. Once my new boobs are up to size I will just have to wait until after chemo to have my permanent implants put in. Until then I have to deal with these uncomfortable rock-hard balls on my chest. Diane and I rushed home after a quick bite to eat.

Diane and I hit every red light on the way home from Scottsdale. I don't mean most, I mean every. The universe was sending me a large message on patience. We got back so close to my appointment time I could not even take Diane back to her sister's house.

So I left Diane with my car to fend for herself. My friend Jen comes to pick me up to take me to my chemo appointment. We hit every red light on the way to Prescott Valley, imagine that???? the patience message continues.

We get to the Dr.'s office and it is just a little bit of chaos. I expect to get plugged in right away. Apparently they have to do labs. They tap into my port, 1st nurse can't get any blood, calls the other nurse over, she gets it to work. They draw my blood sllllooooooooooooooowly, that's right apparently it is a little thick today and doesn't want to come out quickly?? Are you kidding me even my blood isn't moving effiiciently. Then I have to see Dr. Vu, I just saw him a week ago, I can't imagine much has changed since then. This is however the order in which they want to do things. He checks me out, it is like the time before only a week later. Then clears me for getting plugged in, FINALLY. Then we sit and wait for a nurse to get to us, there must be at least 5 other patients in the chemo room. So we patiently wait until a nurse can get to us.

Then there is my dear friend Jen who has yet to come to chemo before and she doesn't really have her sheilds up if you know what I mean. I look over at Jen and I wonder if she is going to be able to handle this. It is intense, you walk into a room of pretty sick looking people. IV bags are hanging everywhere and then there is that smell.....I forgot to prep her. I know how I feel about places like this so I can sympathize with others. But Jen was awesome she settled right in, we read magazines, talked, laughed, and of course played scrabble. I am officially 2 -0 we won't mention the actual score.

Thank heavens patience was my lesson for the day because the chemo nurse apparently didn't check the IV bag. About an hour into my first solution she realized I was getting saline and not chemo, oh joy, this put us an hour or so behind schedule and I am totally hydrated and need to pee alot.

Can I just say drink water and breathe..................

chemo log 4 - hair still here

2010-06-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

I am feeling pretty good, I guess. Perspective means so much, I have no other experience to compare this with. Fatigue is probably the worse culprit, I find myself wanting to take a nap in the afternoon. My appetite has returned and not in a healthy way I am craving all kinds of junk food. Occasionally I get a wave a nausea, it is a tiny little wave that gently lands up on a beach not the kind that will knock you over. Then of course there is my hair, the official flag of the cancer patient, it is all still here. I pull on it daily expecting clumps to fall out, none so far. About 1% of patients don't lose their hair, I don't anticipate that this will be me, but you never know though. I do have a little of what they call "chemo brain". They say it is an assault on your short term memory. I am not sure if it is your memory or the fact that you are scheduling so much more when you have cancer. Most cancer patients I have met, strip down their regular life to the bare minimum, and then add in all the Doctor appointments and of course healing time. For me that schedule is as full as my life before cancer. If I seem confused blame it on the treatment. My lack of blogging lately is due to my busy schedule.

I am off to work, I need to remember to drink water and breathe.......
today it is after my cup of coffee.

Chemo log 3 - Insomnia my new pal

2010-06-11T04:05:00.000-07:00

I actually started this post sometime last week but was unable to finish it.

Since my surgery in April I have not slept like myself. One could argue that I am no longer my "self". I have had major surgery, been diagnosed with a serious disease, and had natural hormones removed from my life. I could not be sleeping for a million reasons, and I guess it doesn't really matter what they are. To address this insomnia I am either faced with a serious commitment to meditation or throwing myself at the mercy of the pharmaceutical companies. My heart says "meditate Sarah, the way to sleep is through the calming of the energies within". My mind says "take a pill Sarah, it is the path of least resistance", yes that is my mind putting a zen spin on the pill thing, never doubt the power of your mind, very tricky indeed. I don't like taking pills and I have enough "medicine" running through my veins. So I did nothing. Friday and Saturday of last week I slept through the night, my body must have known I needed a little more shut eye.

Chemo log 2 - It's official this sucks

2010-06-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

Saturday left me unable to do pretty much anything. I could make breakfast, and my bed and that was the extent of my abilities for the day. Return of the throbbing headache, followed by extreme fatigue, I am not sure if I experienced the bone pain that I mentioned in an earlier post. I felt so crummy I could barely sleep effectively.

My friend Kelly came by with a Bountiful Basket, for me and the boys. Lots of nice organic fruits and vegetables for the price. She also stayed, cleaned my refrigerator, and did my dishes. Another of my many reminders that the universe just has a way of providing the things I need.

I started to freak out on Saturday, 6 months of feeling as rotten as I did just seemed more then I could handle. This was the worse I had ever felt, and it didn't feel progressive it just felt rotten. Certainly more then the boys could handle and I wasn't even "sick" yet. What would happen if all the possible complications came about how would I manage? Hello, self take a deep breath and drink water and breathe. Food did not seem right in anyway but I forced myself to eat what I could, fortunately I was able to drink plenty of water.

To be honest some of this not wanting to eat and cook bit might have something to do with the fact that summer has come and it is a blazing inferno outside. Thankfully my friend Joe came to my rescue (for about the hundredth time) and installed a window air conditioner in my sanctuary. It effectively cools the upstairs for the boys and I. I am suppose to stay cool and out of the sun while receiving treatment. So comfort will be maintained the price will be some paltry sum to APS and of course learning how to sleep in a jet engine. If it sounds like I am whining I assure you that I am not. Life is full of miracles, usually created by the goodness of those around you.

Sunday I awoke a bit tentative. Dani came by and helped with the breakfast dishes and general upstart of the day. My goal was to go to CVS pharmacy, and the grocery store. It took until noon for me to pull myself and the boys together for this outing. The phone rang and my friend Mary offered to take the kids and I out to lunch. I was not interested in food but the kids needed to eat and I needed to get out of my house. I was still feeling pretty slow but I thought I would try. I told Mary I would pick her up. Some would wonder why Mary would not pick us up, in a addition to the car seat situation for the boys Mary is celebrating her 78th birthday, it is high time that she was picked up by whomever would come her way, and of course I have never ridden before with her, now was not the time to start my heart being in it's weakened state and all :) Happy Birthday Marnie, we love you.

So Mary tagged along with us to CVS and then took us to Prescott Brewing Company for lunch. Now normally I go to the pub and want a burger, the "Triple Threat" is my new favorite, it is a beef patty, battered and fried jalapenos and 2 slices of the best bacon in the world. I am not kidding this bacon is heavenly, I love most bacon, but this is in a class all it's own. Apparently they smoke it themselves at the pub with some special blend of wood chips and jalapenos. It creates this smokey, chewy, crispy, salty, spicy blend of pork goodness, I have NEVER tasted bacon this good. The pub also has great homemade rolls to choose from to have this ultimate in burgers created on. How quickly I forget I am a vegetarian, and though I love vegetables, my stomach is in no way going to endure a portabello mushroom burger or a "Triple Threat" for that matter. I end up ordering the fish, mashed potatoes and coleslaw. Yes, I know fish is not a vegetable. I need to eat whatever my body is willing to receive at this point, and it sounded like it might go down. I was wrong and fed the fish to the boys, but like with all my stories there is a silver lining. The mashed potatoes with porter gravy were quite possibly the perfect comfort food. Real red potatoes smashed with the skin on, with a deliciously rich porter gravy on top, you could taste a hint of the beer it was made with, kindling my fondness for things alcoholic in this dry time of my life. Pretty complex little side dish which may become a staple in my life. Being out with Mary was an absolute life saver, sometimes you just need to be around people to be reminded that life and the world outside goes on.

I have to get to work and still have so much more to share.............if I keep at this I will eventually type faster.

Today I still have a foggy headache, but have the ability to move.

Drink water and breathe............

Chemo log 1 - 32 hours and counting

2010-06-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

One down and nine to go. The chemo office was not as bad as I remembered it. They got us right in as soon as we arrived. The greatest invention of modern medicine may be the port-o-cath that Dr. Bornstein put in. That's right all the pain that little device in my chest has caused me is worth every bit of it. This device has saved me from having to have and IV placed in my arm every time I go for treatment. I have to say it is pretty much a breeze to plug in, a quick blast of freeze spray on my skin and a slight jab and my IV is connected. The amount of information given to me about the drugs was overwhelming. I get a steroid drip for 20 minutes to help my body accept the chemo drugs followed by the C drug which drips for about and hour. Then I get the A drug in the form of a push, that means a giant syringe full of red medicine getting injected in my port. Really kind of creepy, and this is the hardcore drug, the one that makes my hair fall out, might damage my heart and possibly give my nausea that is worse then any hangover I can imagine. This is just stellar these are the drugs that tear down my immune system. The shot I got this morning the Neulasta is suppose to rebuild my white blood cells. It does so apparently by causing me great bone pain similar to the flu, a temperature of 101 is my sign to go to the emergency room, I am not sure exactly why.
All in all Kate and I were at the office for about 2 1/2 hours, just enought time to play a game of Scrabble. The time really flew by, we had a few snacks and chatted with the nurse. Apparently my reputation preceeds me. We were talking about my treatment with the nurse and I told her after the A/C I would be taking Taxol combined with something else to target my ovarian cancer. The nurse then blurts out that "oh your the double decker". I guess it doesn't matter what people are saying as long as they are talking about you.

So far the symptoms have been:

Very little sleep last night due to indigestion and nerves
I woke up today with a serious headache that went away with a couple of advil
I am very tired but was able to work a little today
Now I just wait to see how my body responds to treatment

While I am waiting to see what my body does the boys and I are having movie night. A little tradition we have of watching movies and camping out downstairs on the hide-a-bed. I haven't been well enough to sleep downstairs since before my surgery, this journey has been one of healing. Some things are getting back to normal.

The only thing that seems to help is drink water and breathe............

Going to my first Happy Hour today...

2010-06-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

Much like anesthesiologists, oncologists refer to their mixture of drugs as a cocktail. Thankfully this is a language that I can appreciate. My first cocktail will be administered at 2:00 today. Adriamycin and Cyclophophadmide are what Dr. Vu is mixing for me. I have been looking forward to this appointment with nervous anticipation. This is the next step in my healing, I am going into yet another unknown for me. The solace in chemotherapy is that I have spoken to many who have been down this road prior to myself. I won't know how it will be for me until this afternoon. I am also not alone love and prayers have surrounded me and my family since my diagnosis.

Some one told me long ago that your body regenerates the majority of it's cells roughly every 7 years. I don't know if this information is a fact or not. I thought that might be why people get a 7 year ache in relationships. The two major relationships in my life each ran about 7 years. I liked the idea of a fresh start, and the idea of renewal that came with the replacement of cells.
I look at chemotherapy as healing and renewal. I will be broken down on a cellular level only to be renewed with fresh cells. In this particular case it will be about 7 months though, not 7 years.

Today's Happy Hour will be my 1st of 10 treatments. My goal on this journey is to live in the present throughout these treatments and love and nurture my body along the way. Send your thoughts and love my way this afternoon, raise your glass for a toast to "new beginnings" drink water (out of a martini glass:) and breathe......

no meat for mama.....

2010-05-31T07:10:00.000-07:00

The cancer saga continues with me becoming a vegetarian. I have been doing a little research, by that I mean, a light scanning of various books. I don't really have the capacity for real research so after perusing numerous books given to me, becoming a vegetarian seems like the most supportive choice for my body during the upcoming challenges.

Now quitting meat is not the easiest thing I have done. I have been comparing it to quitting cigarettes. Meat is like heroin, only with the stamp of social approval. That's right almost everybody eats meat. There are lots of thought in popular culture about the need for us to eat meat the bumper sticker that first comes to mind is "7 days without meat makes one weak". That's right folks the stuff that makes us strong, is meat, and won't I need my strength while embarking on the biggest fight of my life? Well here in lies the problem, popular culture and nutritional needs for our bodies are not necessarily on the same plane. I have pretty much been a meat eater my entire life. I have had brief stints without meat the longest being 16 days and that was this year. In the span of my lifetime that really isn't a stint, more like choosing to not have cigarette until my second cocktail. I had never given it much thought but meat has been a part of my life on a daily basis. Like brushing your teeth, and making your bed, meat is completely habitual. Now mind you I am not a raging carnivore. I have had many meat free meals, and probably many meat free days through out my life. Mostly though I have had some form of meat daily for the majority of my life.

Needless to say I miss my old friend Meat. I stopped eating Meat on Corbin's birthday, I like to remember anniversaries and I can always use the date as a source of added strength. Mother's can do anything for their children and if I feel like falling off the butcher block I can always remember how much I am willing to endure for my children. Sounds like a good plan right. The downside to all this is food is in my blood. I have worked in restaurants all my life and I have become somewhat of a foodie. The good news is I love vegetables, the bad news is I love Meat just as much. Food to me is like a palette for the palate, meat is a primary color along with dairy, fruit and vegetables. Rice of course would be my canvas of choice, but I am also a fan of pasta and bread. It has been 4 days since I have had meat and I feel like I am having the DT's. I longingly look at a steak knife and want a fillet mignon. Clouds take the shapes of hamburgers and hot dogs. Fried chicken lurks at every corner and a KFC commercial sends me into the darkness. Sausage gravy is magical and on Chicken Fried Steak it is transformed into a direct link to the heavens, a giant flaky white flour biscuit being it's spring board into the stars. Then there is seafood, does it get more pure then a shrimp cocktail, what about broiled halibut, whole fried tilapia is a favorite in my family, but on healthy days we will eat it steamed. Not to mention crispy beef and crab puffs, I have so many old friends to say goodbye to. I could always eat my share of vegetables, but they have always been partnered with my old friend Meat and it was always such a beautiful dance. I still cook sausage links for the boys, it takes all the will power in the world to not just polish off 1/2 a pound, oh salty, nitrates how I miss you so.

Like most quitters I substitute, I took up running the time I seriously quit smoking, it made perfect sense. Breathing in exchange for smoking, a fair trade and the endorphins, along with the need to breathe kept me off the cigs for many years, throw in pregnancy for a few years and I was a true quitter. Fast forward to my break-up with Meat, to fill the void left behind, I have re-connected with my love for Cheetos and potato chips. I have used unhealthy snack foods to try to "fill up this hollow, won't stop all the aching". I think that is a lyric from a Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers song. That's right my break-up with meat has driven me to cheesy romance songs, if I ever quote Phil Collins someone please come over immediately.

The way I see it horrible snack foods will help me get past the first stages of meat withdrawal, the birthday party left me with a small supply of junk food, (timing is everything in life). Upon completion of my junk food stash, I will fill my cupboards with nuts, grains, fruits, and vegetables all things healthy and good for you. Pray for my children, they are on the front lines, it is their food I may snatch up if my will falters. Rest assured I will try to convert my children into eating better, but I know that their are only so many miracles handed out to households so I am trying to pick mine :)

Now in all seriousness I have been trying to get my family to eat better for some time. I have been trying to minimize processed foods, eliminate high fructose corn syrup, and eat more simply, more whole foods and organic when I can. Like most things, if it was easy more people would be able to do it. We are a convenience culture and nothing makes a single mom's life easier then a dino-nugget, I even eat them. My goal is to change my family's diet for the majority of the time in favor of the healthy. My diet through chemo will be lots of fresh fruits and veggies with grains thrown in. There will always be room in our life for a funnel cake at the fair or fry bread on the square, at least they can be meat-free.

I can't change the name of the blog at this point but it might say eat lots of rabbit food and of course, drink water and breathe................

Some weeks are longer then others..........

2010-05-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

That of course is not always a bad thing. This week has been full of all kinds of goodness, still exhausting but goodness.

Monday my friend Annie drove me to see Dr. Berardi. We have known each other for 22 years. She is one of those friends who I don't see that often, and I was so lucky to be able to have 5 hours to just connect with her. It was awesome, we laughed and talked the whole way down and back. We will still need a few more trips to get totally up to speed. We arrived early to the Dr.'s office and we were finished and leaving by the scheduled appointment time. It is so nice that these Dr. visit are so timely it makes them a little easier to handle. I officially have 2 breast mounds as Dr. B likes to refer to them. My left mound has 375 cc of saline while my right mound has 125 cc. I am still totally off balance, but my mounds should be equalized in 3 or 4 more visits.

The heart ultrasound came back normal so chemo is a go on June 3rd. What a relief it would really be a bummer if I had a bad ticker too...

I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday at the restaurant. I still do not have my stamina back and definitely am not performing up to my normal standards. Thankfully it hasn't been to busy and we have had some extra help to cover my slack.

Thursday was the Official start of Summer in the Rouette home. Not only was it the last day of school but it was also Corbin's 6th birthday. Days don't get much better then that for a kid. I spent the morning in the kindergarten classroom. It is amazing to see how all the kids have grown this year. They were exchanging phone numbers, planning play dates, and getting wound up in anticipation for summer. There was a sizzle in the air at the school and I have to say it was kind of fun. For the first time my family is a part of that sizzle. For quite some time summer break meant very little to me. One year of school under our belts and I have a completely different perspective. It is nice to not have to rush the kids and myself out the door in the morning. Summer will give us a little more flexibility on the home front which we could all use.

There is of course the work factor. I do have to get the kids into the right frame of mind to hang out at the restaurant a couple of days a week. Some days that is more challenging then others. For those of you with kids you know that last sentence could actually translate to "Absolute Hell" only on some days though. Isn't that how life works though? Challenges move from one aspect of your life to another, I am beginning to think that is part of the balance of the universe. Lately the key feels like accepting these challenges with a light heart. I am hoping to only need to take them to the restaurant a couple days a week. That will help me and also not bore them to death. We will see how the summer goes.

Corbin had one of the funnest birthday parties this year. It was at the YMCA gymnastics department on Saturday afternoon. This was the first time I had a party at a "venue" and I have to say the kids had a blast. The Y provides a couple of coaches which helps a ton, the fee was worth every penny. I also have a great family and friends network that helped me get all the other party details in place. I am still kind of reeling with the idea that I have a 6 year old and that he is going to be in 1st grade next year. Hooray for Corbin and a fun kick-off to summer.

Today was spent recovering from a week that was filled with too much fun. We stayed in our PJ's until noon. The boys then decided to take the 1st plunge of summer in the pool at the apartment complex. I don't know what the temperature of the pool was, but it definitely felt like snow run off to me. When you are 6 and 4 that just doesn't really matter. The boys got to play with some neighbor kids, this is what summer is all about. There is that fuzzy feeling again of relaxed summer fun. I had another friend stop by for a nice visit this afternoon. Then the neighbor kids came back for some fun and supper. This is what summer is supposed to feel like, kind of punch drunk off life and the little things.

This is living, drink water and breathe..........

whacky weather in our town......

2010-05-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

I don't really know where I live anymore. It is May 23rd and the wind has not stopped blowing all day. I don't know what the temperature was but it was cold today I needed a fleece to stay warm. The last day of school is Thursday and it doesn't even seem like we even need the summer clothes yet. The wind is one of those elements that tends to get under my skin after to long. I am not sure why, maybe it is the unpredictable nature of the wind. Perhaps it is the pressure it carries as it passes through, maybe it's all the loose debris it stirs up. The wind also has the power to exhaust, not just me, but the boys too. The boys crashed around 7:45 and it probably would have been early if it was just a touch darker.

We spent the day with friends which was nice. We had a femo clay party at a neighbor's this morning. The afternoon was spent at a fun filled five year old boy's birthday party this afternoon. There is something about a pack of children and birthday cake which makes my heart sing. Childhood is suppose to be a joyous time, and to watch the boys run and have so much fun with their friends gives me a feeling of peace. It is even fun for me, my family has attended this "party" probably 40 times. The hostess changes, the birthday kid changes, the cakes change (shelley you raised the bar this year), the food changes (in the future kale salad will be the main dish and hotdogs will be just a blissful memory, Danny nice work on the grill:) and the games change (pinatas have been replaced by trampoline mosh pits, and of course the highly sophisticated treasure hunt.) hell even the venues have changed. No two parties have ever really been alike, time has it's way of changing the details. The core group of women (I like to refer to us these days as the Mommy Mafia) is usually in attendance with their families in tow. Every time I attend this "party" it is like putting on my favorite pair of jeans. Being a part of this group of families is one of the great joys of my life and every time I leave one of these parties I realize how blessed I am. Friendship and acceptance are such amazing gifts we are all so lucky to have.

The week ahead is busy, tomorrow a visit to my favorite, Dr. Berardi. Time to put some more fluid in my expanders. My old friend Annie is driving me to Scottsdale, I won't be ready to drive in the city for probably another week or so. To be honest I have been loving the company, long drives with old friends are food for the soul. I am also preparing to host a "party" of my own. I can't believe my own baby is turning 6 years old. Lots of details to wrap up with the last week of school and all. Then of course there is work, life never slows down.

My strength has not completely returned and the wind took it out of me today. Healing takes place at a party surrounded by friends,and I drink water and breathe................

4 weeks since my surgery

2010-05-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Time certainly does fly. Four weeks ago yesterday I was being prepped for surgery, quite possibly the scariest day of my life. Now here I sit in my perfect apartment feeling better then ever. My strength is starting to return, the mobility in my arms is improving slowly but surely. The pain in my right arm has subsided. I am adjusting to all the foreign objects on my chest. The chest expanders and port kind of feel like I have a shirt on that is a too tight (not the stretchy kind) sometimes I notice it and sometimes I don't. My brain is a little foggy something I really hadn't noticed until I started getting busier, I am feeling a little scattered at times. Some say this could be residuals of the general anesthesia . Healing takes time and the energy comes from so many places. The human body is miraculous and can thrive under so many conditions. I am grateful for my body and the speed at which I am recovering.

This week I felt strong enough to return to work. I work in my mother's small restaurant. I may have the best job in the world, the pay is not the greatest but the rewards are many. Normally my job requirements are serve food, chop vegetables (LOTS of vegetables), prep appetizers, help mom cook when necessary and kind of hang out all day with our wonderful customers. I was responsible for lots of stuff, it wasn't necessarily hard work, just busy doing all sorts of things throughout the day. My post surgery abilities currently allow me to only serve food and visit with customers, that is pretty much it. That was the easy part of my job, the other part was important to help my mom out. I am sure my stamina will return, so until then my niece Kate has joined the team and is helping out. I love that my niece will be around more, she is an amazing young woman who I don't get to see enough of.

It was so nice to see all of my family/friends/customers, in my eyes there really aren't lines between these groups they are just all a big group of love, one that nourishes my spirit every moment. I am eternally grateful for all of you and blessed to have each of you in my life. The connection that I have to people around me is anchored in my belief of complete love and acceptance for ALL people, NO EXCEPTIONS. I am diligently working on the exceptions which of course is my great life lesson. Life takes work, but when you are on the right path it is not so hard, blessings rain on us at every moment and sometimes when we get out of the way, we can allow true healing to begin. This by no means means that I am this calm zen like being that is enlightened all of the sudden. Love is my core, the rest of me can still be engaging, fiery, provocative, woman that you all know and love. Balance is something I have been seeking for a long time, and it seems I am getting closer.

My mission it to relax and trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be.
Drink water and breathe.........

Then there were none, oh yeah and I am totally lopsided

2010-05-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

I went to visit Dr. Berardi yesterday and he removed my last two drains. Nothing says freedom like not having to look at weird fluids coming out of your body through plastic tubes. The JP drains were never REALLY painful just a weird inconvenience, they had to be drained and cleaned and they kind of just got in the way of everything.
Now the fun part begins, he examined the incision from last Wednesday's surgery and decides to start filling the reconstruction spacer in my right breast. I am ready for the right side to match the left. At the original surgery on April 23 he put 300cc of saline in my left breast, that makes for a little mound. My right breast flap had no saline due to the complications from the scar tissue of the original biopsy. So out comes the needle and he jabs it into my chest, and I don't feel a thing. Sometimes nerve damage is a blessing. So now my right mound has 50cc of saline, which hardly gives it any shape at all, but it's a start. Then my dear Dr. injects 25 cc into my left breast....I'm like noooooo I want them to balance. Apparently the tissue needs to be stretched regularly for the best results, or my doctor is messing with me. It will probably take 4 or 5 weeks for my new breast mounds to be close to each other in size, and then of course after that the sky is the limit....
So if you notice a hot mama walking in a counter clockwise circle out in public (think Zoolander) you may have spotted me, I am feeling stronger every day and am starting to leave my sanctuary for a few little errands other then Doctor appointments. I may try to return to work for some light duty towards the end of the week.............as I get stronger and busier I tend to loose sight of my mantra and I gently remind myself to come back to center, drink water and breathe..........
it works!

It's official.....I have Two Primary Cancers

2010-05-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

I met with my Oncologist (the guy in charge of my chemo-therapy) on Thursday May 6th, I have been unable to post about my chemo part of this journey because I needed it to settle in a bit. To be honest I was kind of un-prepared emotionally for this visit. Not that there is a right way to prepare for cancer. I realized that chemotherapy was yet another level into the unknown that I would be traveling into. This next leg of my cancer journey was not the easy trip to to Thompson Peak Spa, this is the endurance part of the race and I have to say I was exhausted just previewing the course.

People wonder if chemo is optional, the answer is yes. All cancer treatment is optional, surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, supplements even dietary changes. What I have gathered so far is that each person's cancer responds differently to treatment. Surgery and chemotherapy offers the best comprehensive fight that western medicine recommends for my 2 types of cancer. No one can guarantee the outcome, they can only do what is proven most effective and see how my body responds.

Surgery was kind of the easy part. The cancer was identified in various parts of my body, lucky for me those part were no longer the most important parts. If it had been my voice box, or my brain well that would have been another journey. After surgery, the miracle begins, the body that has been mine for 36 years, slowly begins to recover. The results are kind of astonishing, I went from barely being able to move, to walking, to a little light house work, even driving a few blocks. This part of the journey though new to me was familiar, I am still doing it with my body, my old friend that gave birth to my two beautiful boys, nursed them for three years straight, the body I trained to run a 10K, the body that had matured from that of a young girl into that of a woman. I knew that if I took care of my body it would fare better along this journey, I take it easy, drink water and breathe. I also am trying to eat better, more vegetables, grains and fruit. This is basic cause and effect, it is working, each day I get stronger and my body is responding to all the love and goodness put into it. Surgery was technically the worst part and my health gets better from that point forward.

Chemotherapy is a little different, it is a fight on the cellular level to eradicate any possibly loose cancer cells running around my body. They are probably there, but are they really??? How will these bad cells react? How will my body react? How many months is this going to take? am I going to be sick? how sick? does this involve more needles? when will I be me? (I already know that answer, I already am me) So lets meet the oncologist.

Lucky for me Kate made this trip with me, another of the many angels in my life. I needed the support for this trip. This place smells like medicine, in the please put me in the reclining position before I faint kind of way. Lots of body traffic going in an out, most of these people were members of the cancer club just like me. I wondered about their stories, I wondered if I could stay conscious, I wondered how I would be able to endure this?? Now mind you chemotherapy has never been an "option" for me, I knew I would do WHATEVER they recommended for treatment and I was informed that this would be a part of my treatment since April 1st. I have had some time to wrap my head around this idea, or so I thought. I was in no way prepared for this place, nor did I realize that this phase of treatment would be hard in a completely different way.

I met with Dr. Vu and he reviewed the report from the pathologist (lab Dr./person that studied all the tissue they removed during surgery) and the word is I have 2 primary cancers. My ovarian cancer was contained for the most part and not spread throughout the other tissue (good news), it was also ovarian in nature as opposed to metastatic breast cancer (breast cancer that has spread to other organs, also good news). The breast cancer was estrogen receptor negative (means that it is not fed by hormones, not so good news this type of breast cancer can behave badly) with additional cancer being found in only one out of 20 lymph nodes (good news). Overall these results made me feel a little better. Both surgeries were successful in achieving clean margins and complete removal of the cancers. They also say it is better to have 2 primary cancers then one cancer that has metastasized or spread. Who would have thought I would be so thankful to have two cancers.

Due to the fact that I have 2 cancers at such a young age with no family history, all of my Doctors have recommended genetic testing for the BRAC-1 or BRAC-2 cancer gene. I have mixed feelings on this type of testing and will probably be something I talk about on future posts. I haven't got the referral yet and I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

So Doctor Vu tells me the chemo plan. I will do IV (yes through a vein) chemotherapy of adriamycin/cytoxin every 2 weeks for 4 cycles. Then I will be given carboplatin/taxol every 3 weeks for 6 cycles. The way they organize chemo is the cycle begins when you are given the treatment the time from then to the start of your next cycle is for you body to recover for the next treatment. There will be lots of blood tests to insure that my white blood cell count is high enough. The IV treatments will also be combined with other drugs, some to prevent nausea, others to prevent itching and other reactions. The great news is that I will not have to have an IV placed in my arm at every treatment. The Port-o-cath Dr. Bortnstein put in my chest last Wednesday will help me avoid all the additional vein seeking. They should be able to use the port for blood draws as well as administering the chemo.

The first type of chemo is targeting the breast cancer, while the second type targets the breast as well as ovarian. Side effects are of course the known, nausea, hair loss, fatigue, immune compromised, these all vary from patient to patient. I won't know how my body will react until I start. Adriamycin the drug in the first type I will be receiving is know to cause heart problems, so I will be getting some kind of heart test from a local cardiologist making sure it will be strong enough to offset the negative effects of the drugs. Once I get the all clear from the heart doctor they will want me to start chemotherapy the 1st week in June. School will be out by then, this is not the summer kickoff party I had planned, but I am so thankful that all of my treatment has been coordinated so quickly and efficiently.

Kind of the tip of the iceberg, I don't know what to expect and am still moving forward full steam ahead into the unknown. To be honest chemo seems like alot of work, and I am a little intimidated by the process. I plan to dig deep into my support to help me through. If anyone is interested in being a chemo-companion please let me know. They haven't been scheduled yet, but as soon as they are I will let everyone know. To be honest the worst part about chemo was how heavy the energy felt there. I have been safely tucked away in my sanctuary where nothing but love and light come through the door, I have to say it is kind of addictive. The solution of course is simple, take the love and the light with me.

Tomorrow another trip to visit Dr. Berardi in Phoenix, it should be a quick one and I may get the final 2 grenades removed.

Drink water and breathe.........

Mission Complete

2010-05-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Talk about a long day............16 hours total full of all the wonders of modern medicine. We arrived early to quite possibly the busiest outpatient facility I have ever been to. The procedures were pushed back an hour due to a delay in the surgery scheduled ahead of mine. I don't think I have the ability to describe how busy this place was. I think they had a total of 10 operating rooms, they did anything from a broken leg to, light plastic surgery with anything in between. The number of nurses, doctors, aides, and registration people running around was mind boggling, kind of felt like Penn Station in New York City, I just crossed my fingers and hoped everyone made my train. As usual the staff was amazing, I was given some anti-nausea drugs with my anesthesia and they worked wonders. I didn't vomit at all and was actually able to grab a quick bite to eat post surgeries and make it to both doctor's appointments for the afternoon.

One thing I was kind of unprepared for was the amount of pain I would be in after these 2 minor procedures. I thought it made perfect sense to place my port for chemotherapy on my left side of my chest, due to all the complications on the right. Little did I know it would feel like someone hit me with a sledge hammer. Now my clever thinking had rendered my better arm in the same condition as my bad arm. The doctors say both surgeries went well and I should not have to go under the knife again until my permanent breast implants.

I would like to put a big thank you out to Dani for supporting me through this day. The journey for me is obviously hard. For Dani her day is equally as long, with a lot more conscious waiting. It is also a lot to ask a friend to be your medical power of attorney for the day. This cancer journey is heavy and for those close to me it is just as hard for them. So extra special thanks to Dani for being with me on this oh-so-long day, a better friend could not be found.

Now I am back on the rest and recovery wagon..........
Drink water and breathe.......

A day in the valley....

2010-05-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dani and I leave at 6:00 AM tomorrow morning, I have another day of medical fun planned. I am scheduled for 2 outpatient procedures at the Virginia Piper Outpatient Clinic, a section of Scottsdale Healthcare Shea. My plastic surgeon Dr. Berardi is planning on removing a section of dead skin tissue in the vicinity of where my right breast use to be. Since I like combining as many procedures as possible I also have Dr. Bornstein scrubbing in to put in my port-o-cath (this device will save me numerous, painful injections during chemotherapy). I don't think either of these procedures is too big of a deal. The surgeon mentioned something like light sedation, I think that translates to a vodka tonic instead of a martini....god knows I could use either at this present junction. The fun begins at 10:45 with pre-registration at 8:45.
My afternoon is booked with 2 week post-op appointments with Dr. Bornstein and Dr. Janiceck.
Which leads me to the statement "HOW TIME FLYS" it has been 2 weeks since my release from Thompson Peak. I have really come along way. My mobility is improving daily, the wonderful food and rest have aided in my healing.
I am dreading the long day tomorrow, but appreciate the doctors coordinating the schedule to allow for a single trip.
The hard part really falls on Dani, she has to drive, wait, and then get my some-what loopy post-op self to a couple of Doctor appointments. Luckily they are all in the same neighborhood. Dani is however highly trained in handling my somewhat loopy self so there really is no one better for the job. Who knew we were actually in training on those wild nights on Whiskey Row :)?
Early to bed tonight as we have to rise early.....
Keep us in your thoughts for a smooth day tomorrow, drink water and breathe.........

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

The greatest miracle of my life is being a mother. My boys bring me more joy then I could ever explain. Motherhood has changed me like no other life experience, it has also brought into my life some of the most amazing people ever. Motherhood is one of the many links I have to the community around me. My community of mama's is full of the most brilliant, powerful, loving, gracious, giving, hugging, not-hugging, beautiful women in the world. These women can also accomplish anything and are a force to be reckoned with. Today is your day Mama's know that you are all loved and appreciated for all the hats you wear. I take from all the people in my life to be the mother and woman I am today. Mama's you are an inspiration to me everyday and I am thankful to know so many wonderful mothers.
Go out and celebrate the Mother's!
Today I am going to celebrate being a mom with my mom and my boys and Tony Stark, luckily my mom likes action movies Iron Man 2 here we come!!!!!!!!!
don't forget to drink water and breathe.................maybe throw in a little popcorn and soda :)

I fear Doctors.....

2010-05-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

I am a woman who has never really liked doctors. Until I started having children I never saw one regularly. I think this stems from my childhood, I distinctly remember getting some kind of a shot when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. It must have been some kind of antibiotic, I was really sick and that feeling of leaving the doctors office feverish, dizzy and recently having some kind of injection in my butt. This memory or some dramatized version is one I have taken with me to every doctor visit since then. Mind you during the child bearing years I had to suck it up. Pregnancy requires a fair amount of medical tests with a bit of a hospital stay too. Then of course the boys have been to the doctor and needed immunizations and what not (yes that is equally as hard for me). I really felt like over the years my skin had thickened up quite a bit, I use to faint when I got my finger pricked (early 20's). I was able to stay conscious during blood draws and shots for the kids (early 30's). I was pretty much only effected in my head I could function with mild discomfort from sights and smells in any medical office. There were a few dizzy spells, but I could usually sit down and breathe through them. I did almost faint at my mammogram in May of last year. I needed some cold water and oxygen before they could go to the left breast. I attribute this response to it the being the 1st time having a test like this and it was done at the hospital. I don't think I would have had the same reaction at Prescott Medical Imaging nor have I had this response to mammograms since. For anyone that has not had a mammogram be clear, the test is NOT painful, this is just a psychological phenomena that I have created for myself since childhood.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer. All things medical have been catapulted into a nightmare realm that I could not have even fathomed. I have had more tests, injections, blood draws, IV's, SURGERIES, and pills. It has been less then 2 months and I have had to suck up general anesthesia twice and I am going to be put under again on May 12th. For an MRI, they put you in a tube with loud sounds bouncing off your body. Then half way through your 20 minute test, the technichian stops and injects gallenium into the butterfly she put on your hand when she first put you in the tube. Remember don't move, cough, lay very still and whatever you do don't freak out about lying in this noisy tube on your stomach with some crazy chemical being sent into your veins, could quite possibly be the longest 20 minutes of my life....I did however live through it.

The good news is I have grown as a person. With my various companions at my side I have endured the hospitalization and out-patient procedure in stride. I only whimpered like a child for injections into my flesh, the needles were oh-so tiny but that feeling of medicine seeping into the tissue was too much. I of course grimaced at every IV flush, the saline made my mouth taste like spray paint the instant each flush began. That is why I needed help with my drains at first (THANK YOU PAT I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU). Then of course my visit to Dr. Berardi for the JP tube removal was a source of discomfort, suture removal apparently not one of my strong suits either. We haven't even begun the injections into my inflatable implants I am certain that will be loads of fun. The good news is with the reconstruction process of my breasts the majority of the nerves have been damaged, that means I don't REALLY feel the needles. I do however feel pressure on the implants and that is enough for my brain to work itself up into a frenzy, and oh yeah Dr. Berardi is one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen, that makes me a little nervous and anxious too.

With my history of medical anxiety in mind and all that I have dealt with the last couple months I am actually quite pleased with the calm I have maintained so far through out this journey. Every step of the way I am reminded life is full of building blocks or experiences that prepare us for the next.

Apparently this is all in preparation for my chemotherapy, which is the next phase of this journey.

Drink water and breathe...........

and then there were two....

2010-05-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

My Monday visit to Dr. Berardi was very liberating, 3 out of my 5 JP drains were removed. It felt like losing 10 lbs instantly the bulk of all the tubes and bulbs made it nearly impossible to wear anything other then pajamas....So it is official, I am healing which feels good. After the visit with Dr. Berardi, Chris and I made a quick stop at Trader Joe's for some pantry staples, then headed up the hill. We stopped at Lefty's Steakhouse in Dewey for a bite to eat on the way home and I was ready to collapse. I couldn't really sleep during the car ride and the whole adventure was about 8 hours from start to finish. I was so exhausted upon arriving home. This surgery has certainly tapped my stamina. I pretty much recovered all of Tuesday. I have some swelling from the drain removal, which I assume is normal. I continue to have the same level of discomfort, with perhaps a little less fatigue with each passing day.

Dr. Berardi is going to perform another out-patient procedure on me Wednesday, May 12th. Some remaining tissue on the right breast is not healing properly and he is going to remove it. This is probably due to scar tissue from the original biopsy in March. He assures me this is "light sedation" I think that means I will be kind of put under, but the procedure should only take about 15 minutes. It is really strange how accustomed to all this medical stuff I am becoming. A little light sedation sounds like a walk in the park to me now.

Tomorrow I get to meet my Oncologist, his name is Dr. Vu and his office is in Prescott Valley. Thank heavens I won't be making the Phoenix drive for chemotherapy. I hear great things about his office and I am looking forward to the details he can share with me about my cancers.

Thank you to everyone for all the help along the way. The meals have been delicious and such a great help. All the visits have been good for my spirit, and the boys have enjoyed all the company too. It has been a week today since I was released from the hospital, and I have to say I have come along way. Thanks for all the love, flowers, cards, thoughts, prayers, time and concern it is all working and I am on the mend.
drink water and breathe....

Feeling more like myself....

2010-05-03T08:20:00.001-07:00

Things you do not do after you have a hysterectomy "suck it in", I also never would have thought about posting on the internet an image of my abdomen when unable to "suck it in". But the JP drains put in after my mastectomy need to be documented for this journey, I look like I have 5 plastic grenades pinned to my midsection. The drains require cleaning twice daily. They are put in place to collect fluid that may build up post surgery, this fact is completely disturbing to me. For the first few days Pat a retired RN came to clean them for me, it is not really a big deal for some people. Alas for me with my aversion to any thing medical it a source for some anxiety. I am however now capable of cleaning my drains myself and staying concious at the same time. It's amazing how far I have come since surgery.

The great news is today I go to Phoenix to see my plastic surgeon and he will possible remove some of these drains. The healing process is truly amazing and watching as my body recovers is truly miraculous. With the removal of drains I should be able to wear something other then pajamas, which of course is another step closer to me leaving my sanctuary and joining the rest of civilization.

Boredom is sinking in, it is so hard to just take it easy. I am continously reminding myself in order to heal I need to divert all the energy that I would use for my every day tasks to my body to recover from surgery. It is working every day I feel a little bit stronger, but it does take time and patience.

Drink water and breathe........

Today I would ask that anyone reading would send some love to a friend of mine named Denise, she is having a double mastectomy today. Say a prayer for her and her family. We are all a part of this human experience and there is never to much love sent out into the world.

Drink water and breathe Denise my thoughts are with you today.....

Live from P-town, sometimes it takes awhile to find your fingers

2010-05-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

I was certain that while I was home recovering not only would I have time to blog, I could read a few novels, catch up on a stack of movies, moisturize and do all things I haven't been able to do while working and living full time. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. Healing is big business and requires most of my attention. Everything I do is directed at my body recovering from the surgery. I eat to fuel my body, I sleep to rest it, I move to keep the muscles moving. I am seeking the balance of nourishment, exercise and rest to allow my body to heal as quickly as possible. Oh yeah I forgot the pain medication, that to is an important part of the equation.
I have to say my care team has been outstanding I have not been alone since my arrival home from the Thompson Peak Spa. Wonderful meals have been arriving daily for my family, and we have been surrounded by loving and caring people.
The day I was discharged from the hospital was by far the worse day of this journey. I was excited and ready to return home, but also scared of being able to return to "my life". I missed the boys so much and I was only able to speak with them briefly during my hospitalization. How would they respond to their invalid mother, with all these weird tubes hanging from her body? I am not use to counting on so many others for my needs as well as the need of my family. Things had changed so completely, I wondered if they would ever be the same again. Now mind you I am sorting out these heavy emotional details while going on my first car ride post surgery with 4cc of morphine to get me through the 100 or so mile ride home. That combined with the Percocet, nausea and my missing body parts can be considered a buffet of depressants. I was a wreck to say the least.
I did not want to see the boys this way, and I wasn't sure that it would change. All you can do when you feel like this is drink water and breathe.

Thankfully I have people who love and care about me. Who remind me of who I am when in the darkness I tend to forget. Kerry and Dani your love and care of me in the hospital could have been done by no others. Thank you to all of you who visited, called, sent cards and sent flowers they made for a cheery hospital stay. The volume of love that has been sent to me and my family during this ordeal is simply overwhelming it brings tears to my eyes when I see how truly blessed I am. Kate and Pat the ride home was so tender and caring, the love of these wonderful women eased me softly in my return to my sanctuary. They helped me to grieve and experience the emotion of all that I had been through in the last month, while gently reminding me of how drugged up I was,and that it would be better tomorrow. They left me with chicken soup in the caring hands of my friend Matt who's quiet strength rearranged the living room furniture for a viewing of Sherlock Holmes. Sometimes you need the quiet of your own home, the distraction of a good movie and the company of a good friend to just feel like in this world of crazy for just this moment things are kind of normal. Dani took over the night shift and diligently woke me every 4 hours to take my pain medication. Drink water and breathe tomorrow will be another day...........
I really did not know how limited my mobility would be. My friend Chris was to care for me on day one of arriving home, with Matt pulling the afterschool shift and Dani doing the night shift. Was all this really necessary? Apparently yes, Mason was brought home around 8:30 am and I instantly felt better his caring little presence just filled my heart with love. He was so happy to see me and be home. Here is the break down of my body:

my left arm has 50% of it's normal mobility,
my right arm has about 25% of its normal mobility due to the removal of the lymph node in this area, this is the most painful part lots of pins and needles intermixed with stabbing pain
I have 5 JP drains coming from where my chest once was, they look like soft plastic grenades that fill up with funky body fluid and need to be drained roughly every 12 hours (GROSS )these are not extrodinarily painful just really weird
I have an incision along my abodomen that is supported by what I call "SUPER SPANKS"
for the most part getting up from bed or sitting is the hardest part of my day, I can walk with relative ease but I fatigue easily. I can pack a lunch then I need to sit down and take a break. I can take a shower on my own only it takes about 40 minutes.
This is not how I am used to functioning.
Most of the pain and discomfort should not be permanent.

This is where my help comes in, they help me do all things that are necessary. My family and I are surrounded by so many willing to help....
That story is for later I need to rest.
Drink water and breathe.....................

Hello from the Thompson Peak Spa........

2010-04-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

All I can say is the last few days have been a complete blur. I was admitted into the hospital via the emergency room on April 22nd. I had an IV placed in my arm along with a slough of other tests.........all to make sure that I was fit enough for surgery. Apparently I passed the test, I was scheduled to go into the OR around 1:00 PM on Friday afternoon. By Thursday I had met 2 out of the 3 surgeons that were on my dance card. The mystery surgeon was Dr. Mike Janiseck, apparently he is very popular at this hospital EVERYONE, and I do mean EVERYONE had wonderful things to say about him. He is and OB/GYN Oncologist, apparently there are not to many around in this specific field. I got to meet him at 8:00 PM on Thursday, I gave him CD's of the PET scan and ultrasound. We went over a few possible surgical scenarios, Dr J said he would get back to me in the morning after he reviewed the results from my tests.
He had a great bedside manner and worked up a little flow chart of my possible surgical outcomes. All I could do was wait, at least I had Kerry here to pamper me, and remind me to drink water and breathe.
Dr. J came to see me 1st thing Friday morning, good morning was followed with it "pretty much looks like cancer on your ovary" . I actually left Prescott planning to have a hysterectomy, it doesn't make it any more fun to hear those words from yet another surgeon. They were going to try to get me in a little earlier, which makes for a little less waiting. I took my pre-op shower with Kerry assisting. My dad and step-mom Diane showed up, as well as my good friend Liette. Then we waited.....which has got to be the worst part. They did come for me early, about 10:30 Kerry and Liette were aloud to go into pre-op with me. A few last minute tests and some final waivers to sign for the Dr.'s. I remember the anaesthesiologists was Dr. Stearns and my plastic surgeon Dr. Berardi marked all over my chest nip-tuck style with a BLUE SHARPIE.......CAN YOU BELIEVE A SHARPIE? I was wheeled out of pre-op in an orchid colored paper gown, that is temperature controlled by an air hose. Nice little hairnet on my head and purple surgery socks.
Dr. Stearns gave me a little injection, and Regina a nurse from the Phillipines wheeled me off to the operating room I think it was around 11:30. I said goodbye and I love you to Kerry and Liette, I remember being wheeled in to the large Operating room, and then it was lights out. My next memory is a recovery nurse asking what my pain level was on a scale of 1-10, ten of course being the worst. I don't even know my answer. I was returned to my room sometime after 7:00 I think. That part of the story belongs to Kerry or Liette. I think I underwent about 6 hours of surgery........that thought is so damn creepy to me, it is like a period of no time, I can't quite explain it. I know I had surgery I have the drains and the scars to prove it but it doesn't make that time feel any less surreal.
When life brings you this kind of crazy all you can do is drink water and breathe.....

Sarah is sleeping in her room

2010-04-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

She has some abdominal pain but otherwise seems alright. I haven’t talked to her yet but will in the morning. Stressful day for the rest of us who were waiting on word, over 6 hours on the table. Friends are there and I wish I were too, I’ll write more in the morning when I hear from her. Have a good night!

This is Sarah's brother Sean

2010-04-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

Sarah is in the hospital tonight and goes into surgery tomorrow around noon and she wanted me to keep up with this till she was able to get back to a computer, I posted the below over at my place Doc in the Box

If you would have told me a couple of years ago that my luddite little sister Sarah would have stepped in the world of blogging. I wouldn’t have believed you. But she has, in some part of her mind, like me, she wants to leave a mark on the world in case something happens. I know the feeling, it’s the same feeling I had before heading out into a far distant and scary war zone. In case I died, I wanted to leave a record of me behind so I wouldn’t be forgotten.
Now she is going into her personal war zone, she went in last month to get an excisional biopsy (which means they take out all of whatever it is they found) on a mass in her right breast and when she woke, the doctor told her in that gentile voice they use to say such things, that she had cancer. On April Fools day she drove down to Phoenix for a follow up and learned at she had stage II or III ductal carcinoma which is the most common kind of breast cancer. Weeks pass and more tests show that it has moved into some lymph nodes and there’s something on one of her ovaries.
Suddenly, she is scheduled for surgery and tonight, she’s alone in a hospital room taking blood thinning medicines and she’ll be under the knife tomorrow where that kind sounding M.D. is going to put her on the chopping block and core her like an apple in hopes of getting that alien presence out of her body.
Just yesterday she turned 36 and it seems like it was just yesterday when I was letting her drive my car for the first time and the day before that when we used to sneak out of the house together. I love you sis and we are all pulling for you to pull through this, I’m here for you as I have always been but this time, don’t crash the car.

Preparing for departure from P-town

2010-04-21T23:10:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your love and support. Everyone should have at least one birthday where they know just how much they are loved by those around them. To be honest this has been the most gifted birthday of my life.
I will leave for Scottsdale tomorrow on the Kerry Express. The afternoon will be filled with pre-op testing with surgery scheduled at 1:00 PM on Friday, April 23rd.
Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Drink water and breathe.................
I will be in touch with you all after the surgery.

Change of date, what exactly I meant

2010-04-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

I will be leaving to Scottsdale with Kerry Thursday afternoon for pre-op testing. The surgery is still scheduled for Friday at the new location.

Change of venue, change of date, PHASE 2 IS A GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

It seems I got a birthday present 1 day early. The old adage is careful what you wish for, had I known it was going to be granted I may have opted for the powerball ticket.
I spoke with Dr. Bornstein this morning and it sounds like the hysterectomy is going to be a go. To what extent the it will actually be (full, half, or partial) I am not sure of at this point. I am now going to be admitted to Thompson Peak, 7400 E. Thompson Peak Parkway, Scottsdale, Arizona 85255 480-324-7000. Surgery starts around 1:00 o'clock on Friday April 23rd and I will be on the table for around 4 or 5 hours. I don't think there is going to be an intermission :)
I will probably be admitted to the hospital for 4 or 5 days.
Thanks so much to all of you who sent positive thoughts and love my way it makes a difference. I have a lot to get together to be able to leave in time for surgery I will try to post along the way but may not have the time to do so.
The universe brought to me the exact conversation I needed tonight. I have a new friend named Kathy that is a breast cancer survivor. She has had the surgeries that I am about to have and her sharing her experience stopped the shaking of my insides. I realize my journey will not be the same as hers but to hear a voice full of love, hope and strength that has been on this path is exactly what I needed. I am not alone in this new club, it seems as if I am destined to be a joiner. Even though hospitals suck, I need to remember that I am in the care of wonderful medical professionals, receiving some of the best medical care in the world. No matter how strange and surreal surgery is, I am thankful to at least have the option to fight this disease.
Today it seemed a little easier....I guess it might be working....drink water and breathe.

Catching up to the present

2010-04-19T22:06:00.001-07:00

I am new to the blogging world and unfortunately the speed at which I get my thoughts to screen is not that great yet. There is still a lot of story between April 2nd and today I however am opting to do a quick re-cap of the past 3 weeks.

I did have a PET scan and an MRI on April 7th. I received the results on April 9th, another suspicious mass was found on my right ovary as well as a few lymph nodes. This meant biopsy of my ovary as well as a recommendation of bilateral mastectomy being the best option for treatment of my breast cancer. Prior to this information I had pretty much decided on mastectomy over lumpectomy (even if it was an option). I am a balance person and felt that I have gotten great use out of the breasts that I have. This option seemed to give me more piece of mind. The cancer door being opened in my life has me hyper focused on every nerve in my body. At least with the mastectomy I could heal evenly, and maybe in the end come out with some nice perky size C's. Someone once said every cloud has a silver lining, maybe they meant saline??

The possible ovarian cancer has not been so easy to adjust to. I have yet to consult with an ob/gyn oncologist to actually give me specific options. I believe they are partial or complete hysterectomy. I will have a consultation for my ovaries when I am hospitalized for my mastectomy. Which may extend my stay if they decide to operate again. The unknowns are kind of getting to me and I am running out of patience.

I spoke with an oncologists office today and am scheduled for a chemotherapy consultation on May 6th. They anticipate I will start chemotherapy within 4 weeks of my surgery. Thankfully this part of my treatment will be in Prescott Valley so I won't have to drive to Scottsdale quite as often.

So the specifics so far are: I am scheduled for a Bi-Lateral Breast Mastectomy (PHASE I), with the reconstruction process beginning at the same time. They will remove quite a few lymph nodes as well. This surgery is scheduled for Friday, April 23rd at 12:30 AM, I will be admitted to Scottsdale Health Care Shea sometime between 9:00 and 10:00. If I only have the mastectomy I will be released from the hospital Saturday or Sunday. If they schedule the hysterectomy(PHASE 2) I could be in the hospital until Tuesday or Wednesday. My friend Kerry is taking me to the hospital and is signed on until my release from PHASE 1. If PHASE 2 occurs other arrangements will need to be made for my return trip.

On a more personal note, today I started to break down. The pressure I am under is so great, that I am driven to tears by the slightest things. Time feels like it is standing still one moment, yet I know Friday is just a few short days away. I could use a valium or a martini, both of which are frowned on prior to surgery, along with vitamin's C, E and every other pill you could imagine except tylenol, go figure. For those of you who know me well, hospitals are my least favorite place to be. I am going to be spending a lot of time in medical surroundings so I am just going to have to learn to adapt. This is the biggest fight of my life, I need a place to share this with others, and I also need the love and support of those around me. I feel like a warrior that is gathering troops to take into battle, in some way I have been gathering troops for a long time. To all my warriors out there thank you for all you have done, and all that you will do, know that I am grateful for each and everyone of you.
That's all for tonight folks, I will have some time on my hands in the near future and a new notebook (courtesy of my awesome big brother) hopefully I can fill in some of the blanks of my journey.
Until then drink water and breathe..................

April Fool's Day

2010-04-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Dani drove with me to meet with Dr. Alan Bornstein We arrived at his Bell Road office (I think he has a total of 4)around 3:30. I have got to hand it to Dr. Bornstein and his assistant Taska they run a really tight ship, I have yet to wait for a scheduled appointment. We bustle in to the exam room and Dr. Bornstein pretty much just lays it out I have ductal carcinoma, the good news is it's the "most common" breast cancer, probably staged around IIb or III. I will need a few more tests for a specific diagnosis. Possible treatment options are a lumpectomy (at this point my lump had been removed), he would remove margins around the mass and lymph nodes to check if the cancer had spread. This option would be followed by radiation and chemotherapy. This option also depends on if there is enough good breast tissue remaining so that I would not be severely unbalanced (my breasts anyway:). Option #2 is a bi-lateral mastectomy with some kind of tissue saving procedure???? He would also take out a few lymph nodes, more if they are determined to be cancerous. The reconstruction process would begin at the time of the surgery. I would not need radiation with this option, I would however still need chemotherapy. The good news at this point was it was not an immediate death sentence which my overactive imagination had dreamed up. The bad news was that this is going to take a year out of my life, and of course we needed the information provided by a few more tests.
Dr. Bornstein ordered a PET scan and a breast MRI to be done the following day. This would help determine if there were any other "issues" that would effect the surgical options.
I left the office feeling scared, but informed I had options none of which were going to be particularly fun but it gave me a hope.
I was to return home to Prescott and have these tests completed at local facilities, no problem or so I thought.
I got up early on April 2nd to schedule my tests. I headed to Prescott Medical Imaging around 7:30 AM I was going to get these tests completed and make it to work by 9:00. PMI only does the breast MRI well that's 1 0f 2 so I give the scheduler my order and she say the dreaded words....."do you have prior authorization from your insurance carrier?" I tell her no but they did approve a stat ultrasound and a biopsy, so I was more then likely in the approval loop. I thought all this with my logical non-medical insurance company brain. I talked the woman into scheduling me for the MRI the following Tuesday at 2:30 saying my approval would be here by then, coincidentally they only do breast MRI testing on Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. I would have to wait a week or longer to get the test rescheduled if my approval did not come through.
They inform me I will need to go to the hospital to schedule my PET scan...I had this sinking feeling that things would not be going as easy as I thought....drink water and breathe.....

I have to start somewhere

2010-04-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

On March 29th, 2010 I had an excisional biopsy on a mass in my right breast. Upon awakening from anesthesia, my surgeon Dr. Alan Bornstein informed me that the mass was indeed cancer. Note this may have not been the best time to be informed of this news considering I was totally nauseated, doped up and completely out of my head. This was however my choice because I hate waiting. I am also learning that when dealing with anything in the medical field, if they are willing to give you an answer take it. There will certainly be plenty of times where waiting will not be optional. I started bawling and the Dr. said I will need additional surgery and treatment. The remainder of the day is kind of vague do to the anesthesia, the only thought that kept recurring is CANCER. I vomited in the car as soon as we started driving, then slept most of the way home. Upon arriving home I curled up on the couch completely devastated, only to be interrupted by another wave of nausea.
I would not have survived this day without the love and support of so many people around me. My dear friend Dani drove me to my outpatient surgery in Phoenix, Arizona. She has also been with me at every doctor appointment so far. I don't know what my state of mind would be today if not for Dani's strength and support (I will never be able to thank you enough, I Love you!). Dani handed me off to Matt on arrival home, unfortunately we all have to work. Matt's job was to help with the boys and try to comfort me. He did both with great ease, and compassion. Matt also stayed the night on the couch that night. I was so vulnerable and raw. Trina picked up Corbin from school. Jessica picked up Mason from school and brought both boys home by late afternoon. Kate showed up with dinner for us all, and Jen came by to assist with homework.
I am so lucky to have the love and support that I do. All these people stepped into my world and took over all the details of my life that must go on, feed the kids, pack lunches, do homework, clean the kitchen, make dinner. My friends are all action people and they just don't hesitate when something needs to be done. I am eternally grateful to you all for the love you bring to my family.
March 30th, 2010..........Cancer really????? I had recovered from the anesthesia only to wrap my head around cancer. How do you tell the people in your life? I couldn't even tell my mom at this point. I felt so angry, scared, there was so much unknown. I had an appoint with my surgeon on April 1st, this coincides not only with April Fool's Day but also the 1st scheduled court appearance for my divorce trial. Timing is everything and I just didn't have it that day.
At this point I decided to keep things quiet about my cancer until I learned more. The American Cancer Society web-site was my resource at this point. Words like lumpectomy and mastectomy were flashing before my eyes along with chemotherapy and radiation. How am I going to go through all this? work? and take care of the boys? I also wondered if I was going to die soon? I am young with two young boys this could not be happening to me. I went about my normal routine until my next appointment with Dr. Bornstein. April Fool's Day was not that far away until then I told myself to drink water and breathe.